How To Start Enjoying Sex With Your Spouse Again (Even If You're Totally Bored With It)
Use these key pieces of advice to regain that spark.
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock Have you lost the intimacy between you and your partner? Do you sometimes think the only thing the two of you have in common is the same zip code? Does it seem like you are more like roommates than lovers?
When you are married or coupled, over time it is easy for the relationship to become one of utility instead of sensuality, magic and love. Each person has their part in the relationship regarding the household and work, and each of you is busy doing their part. Or at least we hope so, right?
In this process, the relationship connection becomes one of questions: Did you call and reschedule your appointment? Can you pick up the kids today? What time did you say that event is tonight?
Luckily, there are a few ways to bring back that spark you once had, and deepen intimacy between you and your partner.
Here are 6 ways to enjoy married sex and intimacy again.
1. Avoid living like roommates.
When you get comfortable with each other, on one hand, it is a wonderful feeling. You feel safe knowing the other person is there. On the other hand, that security can also cause boredom or monotony due to a couple falling into the same routine.
This is especially true in the bedroom. If you have found a way that works sexually, you probably do it repeatedly, no longer exploring other paths. It brings you pleasure, but over time it becomes routine and there isn’t anything special about it.
Or maybe you are a couple that no longer even has a sexual connection. You haven’t had sex in so long that it would even seem weird to be together again in that way. That is an unfortunately all too common situation.
When your relationship becomes utilitarian living and you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse again, know there is hope. What is first required though is commitment, energy, and effort on both individuals' parts.
2. Commit to each other.
You both need to commit to taking this special time for and with each other. Yes, it will take energy and effort to make it happen instead of zoning out with a glass of wine, TV or a movie. You may have time but what you may not have is commitment.
Schedule a weekly time for the two of you to be together in an intimate way and stick to that schedule. Get an agreement from your partner and make it part of your life like you do other tasks that need to be done.
Cultivating intimacy and keeping your intimacy alive is an important task that needs to be taken seriously if you are to enjoy sexual intimacy with each other. This "task" can be fun, enlivening and very enjoyable.
3. Lose the spontaneity.
You or your partner, with this agreement, might be worried such a plan or routine would get rid of the spontaneity. But planned sex is better than no sex at all. And planned sex creates an intention.
Intentions are powerful. It is through intentions things become manifest.
4. Practice sexual exploration.
If you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse again, you both need to commit to a life of sexual exploration with each other. It is important to have a spirit of wanting to help the other expand their sexual horizons.
This doesn’t mean going to the local strip joint or bringing another person into your intimate relationship.
The type of sexual exploration I'm talking about is raw, authentic, and deeply vulnerable. It is the kind of sexual connection that has no pretense or agenda. It is the type of sexual connection that supports the exploration of one's erotic innocence.
5. Try a sexual healing practice.
If you are like most couples, you would greatly benefit from having a sexual healing practice. Sexual healing requires holding space for each other’s sexuality.
What do I mean by holding space for each other’s sexuality? In my training with the Divine Feminine Institute, I learned a form of conscious touch called the nurturing practice of Awakening and Healing (AH), created by Caroline Muir.
An AH session can be done fully clothed or completely nude, depending upon your needs and comfort level. In an AH practice, one person is the receiver and the other is the giver. It is well defined, and there is no confusion. In a typical sex act, this is not the case.
Commonly, it becomes a free-for-all, with each person taking turns giving and receiving touch, often frantically moving toward the goal of one or both partners achieving orgasm. It can get a bit hectic, and even stressful.
The individuals may not fully embrace receiving or giving to the depth possible. This prevents both individuals from experiencing full pleasure and a deeper level of sexual intimacy with your spouse that is potentially possible.
Another common sex act situation is that the couple "has it down," so to speak. They know how to give each other orgasms; therefore, the sex act becomes a utilitarian, non-creative, even non-spiritual expression of release.
With both sexual expressions, sex often becomes unfulfilling. These are our sexual dilemmas.
The nurturing practice of AH dissolves these dilemmas. In each AH session, there is a giver and receiver. The giver is there to "hold space" for the receiver and facilitate an opening to whatever level the receiver is ready to open.
The receiver is in a reclined position that facilitates an opening. The giver is sitting up between the receiver’s legs, facing them. The giver has full access to all the receiver’s chakras (energy centers) and body.
6. Look into each other's eyes.
The AH practice involves eye-gazing, breath, sound, conscious touch, and a tremendous amount of presence and intimacy. It has more presence and intimacy than most are accustomed to. That is why the AH practice is transformative.
When there is presence, any repressed emotions can easily surface. The giver can simply — with their presence, compassion, and love — allow uncomfortable emotions, such as fear, shame, pain and anger, to be transformed or released out of the body.
This practice not only faces the issue of intimacy head-on, it helps to bring more aliveness into the body.
The focus is on the receiver, relaxing them and giving them a safe environment to open. It's a way to "hold space" or be present for someone’s sexual energy.
Because one person is the giver and the other is the receiver, the receiver is able to fully focus on themselves and their needs. The way the practice is set up, it is much easier for the receiver to explore and ask for what they want with no pressure to have to perform.
This is a powerful way for you to learn more about each other, each other’s bodies, and each other’s sexual needs. This practice is done with all the lights on and eyes open.
When you commit to this practice of sexual healing, you begin to really see each other. You learn to share your bodies with each other in a more intimate, caring way. Great things can happen when you learn how to be present and give to your lover in this way.
In conclusion, you don’t have to be a couple that has lost the intimacy.
It simply needs to be cultivated regularly but in a different way that brings more vitality to each other’s bodies and more intimacy between each other’s hearts. Don’t lose touch with each other. Become each other’s healers. When you do, the sexual intimacy will follow.
Anna-Thea is an author and spiritual sexual educator. She is dedicated to educating women, and offering them new perspectives about relationships and intimacy. For more information, visit her website or connect with her for a 30-minute coaching session.