I Finally Showed My Boyfriend My Huge, Noisy Vibrator And ... Whoa

I don't know how else to say it: I've always been embarrassed about the way I masturbate. I was a late bloomer when it came to touching myself, and had my first orgasm at age 19. Sure, I'd rubbed myself as a tween and realized that it felt nice but I never managed to use my own hands in a way that made me feel any remotely orgasmic sensations.

Manual stimulation felt pleasant, like a light massage, but I had no idea what kind of fireworks could be generated with the right equipment.

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My first vibrator purchase was a petite, beautiful vibrator that worked like a charm but only managed to produce feather-soft vibrations. I liked it on its highest setting but I wished I had a sex toy that could give me a more intense sensation.

At that point, I had no idea vibrators had such a wide range of vibrations, but I was determined to find something more powerful. I conducted some late-night research, perusing different sex toy stores online and comparing and contrasting different models, which is eventually how I discovered the Magic Wand — one of the most powerful vibrators on the market.

I didn't just purchase the Magic Wand, I purchased a dual-stimulation rabbit attachment for it, too. When I popped it on top of the wand, it looked like a terrifying medical device from the middle ages, but when I used it, I swear I had the best orgasm of my entire life.

It was a bit clumsy and absolutely required both hands. Furthermore, it was loud as hell, so I'd layer every blanket I had on top of my body if I wanted to masturbate while my roommates were home.

But oh my god, I loved that wand and attachment and the way it made my body feel. Even though I didn't want anyone to see or hear me using it, the fact that it was big and noisy didn't bother me. It felt like I was operating the lever on heavy machinery, mentally reinforcing the notion that I was about to make my body convulse with powerful orgasms.

My wand never made an appearance outside of solo play, and I purposefully scootched it to the back of my toy drawer so no one else would ever set eyes on it. If I decided to use a vibrator during partnered sex (which was only with people I really trusted), I'd just suck it up and use my less powerful vibe.

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When I was 21, I started hooking up with Andrew, who happened to be more than twice my age. When we got together, we would rarely have intercourse because he had a difficult time getting hard.

I brought my small vibrator over in my purse, but since we weren't able to have penis-in-vagina intercourse, he asked me to bring all my sex toys over to his apartment so we could have as many options as possible.

"All of my toys? I've got some pretty crazy stuff. Are you sure?" He reassured me there was nothing I could bring over that would freak him out.

We made plans to meet the next week, and the day of our date I dragged a duffel bag full of toys (including my massive wand and attachment) around with me all day before making my way to his apartment. When he saw the gigantic bag, he immediately tore into it and picked up my wand right off the bat.

"This thing! We're absolutely using it," he exclaimed as he prepped his bed with towels and blankets. And boy, did we use it.

Watching me use the wand turned him on so much that he became hard enough for us to f*ck, and the vibrations transmitting through my body also felt very good for him. We had several more dates of this nature, experimenting with my wide array of tools and toys.

Being with a man who not only tolerated my intense vibrator but enjoyed it for himself made me wonder if I'd been wrong all along. Maybe I wasn't giving my partners enough credit; maybe more people would also be turned on by my big, crazy vibrators.

From that point onward, I had the confidence to ask each new partner if I could use my Magic Wand during sex. Perhaps I chose to sleep with guys who happened to be more open-minded, but I never had a partner turn me down when I brought out my big, noisy vibrators. Sometimes they'd tell me they were unsure how it would feel but it always ended up being a positive experience for both of us.

Currently, I'm with a partner who loves it when I use my vibrator during sex. I'd say I use it 4 out of every 5 sexual encounters. Sometimes we start out with it and sometimes it works its way into the mix later on, but it's usually what I need to finish myself, and my partner has no problem with that.

I can't believe I ever hid my vibrator from my partners in the first place; it only adds to the experience! I used to think that guys didn't want to see me masturbate unless it was with the sole use of my hands, but over the course of my experience, I've learned that guys just want to see me feeling good, no matter how I go about doing it.

I know not everyone is like me but if you need intense vibration to get off, that's nothing to feel ashamed of.

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Zoe is a sex educator and artist in NYC. She holds a BS in psychology from Fordham University and aspires to further pursue the study of human sexuality. Follow her on Tumblr.