Woman Weds 'Narcissistic, Controlling' Husband — Only To Realize She Married Her Own Mother
Waking up to realization that I had married a person with the same toxic qualities as my parents.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva I screwed up. I didn’t know or understand the depths of my brokenness, and I fell in love, got married, had kids, and created a life.
Then one day, I woke up and realized that I had accidentally married my narcissistic, controlling mother.
All of the best parts of me had been relegated to a dark closet so as not to outshine my husband. I had no opinions, I had no say in the decisions that were made as “a family,” and I was shamed and judged for doing the things that fed my soul. My light had dimmed so that it was only visible when he wasn’t around.
Don’t get me wrong, there were/are a lot of great things about our relationship and him. He is funny, charming, full of energy, smart, responsible, honest — all the things. And, as long as we lived life on his terms there were no issues.
It wasn’t until I decided a few years back that I didn’t want to be a passenger on the bus of my own life that things began to unravel.
It didn’t happen overnight. When I voiced this concern and asked for “a separation,” he made all kinds of accommodations.
We finally got a joint checking account after 15 years of marriage. He agreed to see a marriage counselor, he let me pick the vacation spots, he bought me a fun classic convertible that he knew I wanted, he “encouraged” me to go on trips with my girlfriends, and he stopped (at least temporarily) shaming me for napping or reading or watching rom-coms.
He knew exactly how to distract me (and everyone) from discovering the truth — that I had married a narcissist and no matter what I did, be it good or bad, it would never fill the massive hole of inferiority/insecurity that was swallowing him up from the inside.
Pexels / Craig Adderley
Articles on 'narcissistic mothers' made me lose my breath because of how accurately they described me.
“Narcissistic mothers can produce daughters who become perpetual pleasers. They please too much and often settle for men who don’t appreciate them, thereby re-enacting the deprivation of their youth.”
“Growing up with a narcissistic mother can have profound implications for a daughter’s mental well-being. The experience often leaves lasting emotional scars and trauma. The constant demand for attention, manipulation, and emotional neglect can lead to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and diminished self-esteem. Daughters raised by narcissistic mothers often grapple with questions of self-worth and identity, struggling to feel valued or significant.”
I am not a therapist, a psychoanalyst, or even anything close to that, and I am not here to have a pity party for myself. My childhood was wonderful, and I have lived a life of immense fortune and privilege.
I have many friends, a supportive family, and a job that I like, and I wake up every morning healthy, happy, and optimistic. And much of the time things are great between my husband and me: we laugh together, our intimate life is still very active, and for the most part, we have a full and beautiful life.
However, when you realize that this is the exact scenario of your life/relationship — low self-worth, people-pleasing, choosing an unappreciative partner — even if things are going great there is an unavoidable internal struggle
Thankfully, I am not that person anymore. I have done a ton of work on myself over the past few years, and I finally know how incredible I am.
I love myself a lot, however, it isn’t quite as easy as all those reels on Instagram would have you believe.
Yes, I can look into my own eyes in the mirror every day, say “I love you” into those eyes, and believe it. But taking that confidence, that belief and that beautiful energetic vibration from the bathroom mirror to daily life is another matter entirely.
How do I unwind myself from a relationship that I know isn’t good for me when it is so deeply tangled?
How do I unwind myself from a 19-year marriage with a narcissist without damaging my kids and all of the things that we have worked so hard to build together?
In addition to two teenage sons, we have houses, investments, assets, dogs, cars, mutual friends, families — all the things that come with being married to someone for nearly 20 years.
Every time I tell myself I cannot take it anymore, that I need to listen to my gut (which is telling me loud and clear that it is time to leave,) the reality of what a divorce entails sinks in, and I become overwhelmed by a million questions like: How can we do it and remain friends?
How will it play out in our small town, where everyone knows everyone else’s business? How can we keep the house but still afford a second place? How will it all work? Plus, there is the issue of the fact that he has no interest in a divorce whatsoever. From his perspective, everything is just fine.
Just like the narcissistic mother that the child cannot confront, a narcissistic partner is difficult to leave because they're adept at making you feel that you're wrong.
Narcissistic partners make you feel crazy/delusional and/or selfish for wanting to destroy everything that has been so carefully constructed over the years.
How do I get myself out of this in one piece? And, in fact, maybe I should just suck it up and power through? Maybe I am just being whiny. This is how my brain goes around and around every time — making excuses as the days turn into weeks into months into years.
Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not trying to claim that divorcing anyone, narcissist or not, is easy. I have seen enough divorces in my 50 years (my parents were divorced when I was 7) to know that they are all difficult, but in many cases, both parties come out the other side happier versions of themselves.
I truly believe that could be us, but I am currently the only one of us who thinks that. And when is the timing ever perfect to stand up for yourself, and step into your power when that isn’t something you have ever done before?
And so, I continue to wait. I wait for him to do something “egregious” that simply cannot be ignored, though there have been a million examples of egregious acts over the years. I wait for him to meet someone, or for me to meet someone. I wait to win the lottery.
I wait until my gut yells so loudly that I can’t ignore it anymore. I wait, I wait, I wait. It's probably not the smartest strategy (if it can even be considered a strategy) but at this point, it's all I have.
All the work in the world, all the self-love, all the healing, all the believing, is it enough to give me the strength to leave? I guess only time will tell.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Cynthia Hinkle is a writer and experienced sales operations leader.