Woman Explains Why Some Husbands Don't Change After Being Told By Their Wives To Help Out More Around The House
She pointed out that a healthy partnership shouldn't mean bringing up the same issue with your partner and not seeing any results or improvement.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock A woman revealed the hard truth to many wives about why their husbands may not be receptive to helping out more with household responsibilities.
In a TikTok video, a content creator named Abby Eckel revealed some marriage advice to women regarding the frustration and annoyance they most likely feel when they constantly confront their husbands about their lack of initiative in dividing labor.
Eckel explained why some husbands don't change after being told by their wives to help out more around the house.
"This is going to sound harsh, but I think a lot of people actually just need to hear the truth," Eckel bluntly stated. It's because he doesn't care." She explained that most husbands don't see how contributing to household responsibilities and chores will benefit them, especially if their wives are already doing it.
She pointed out that it really shouldn't take multiple conversations for a man to understand that his help is greatly needed. He's already gotten so used to everything being done that he has actively used that to exploit his wife's time, energy, and labor because he knows it'll get done eventually — just not by him.
Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon occurrence. According to a January 2020 survey by Gallup, married or partnered heterosexual couples in the U.S. continue to divide household chores along largely traditional lines, with the woman in the relationship shouldering primary responsibility for doing the laundry (58%), cleaning the house (51%) and preparing meals (51%). It's an outdated and frightening reminder of how the persistence of gender norms and inequality in the household continues to run rampant.
"This isn't the first time you've tried to explain your needs to him or how you feel unsupported," Eckel continued. "If he didn't hear you out, listen, learn, and change the very first time you brought these issues up to him, it's not gonna happen now."
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If you bring up any issue to your husband, whether it's a lack of completing chores, taking care of the children, or anything else that makes you feel inferior in the marriage, instead of immediately hearing you out and changing the way he moves from that day forward, he brushes you off or dismisses your concerns, it's a sign of deeper underlying issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. He knows there's no consequence if he doesn't change, and eventually, things will return to how they've always been.
Eckel likened it to disciplining children and how parents can consistently threaten and ask. Still, the second you don't follow through, a child automatically knows they can continue getting away with it because they know there won't be actual consequences.
She said if he wanted to help more, he would.
"They're in couple's counseling right now because her husband is diminishing her and minimizing her feelings and emotions, then having angry outbursts at her when she brings them up. So I asked her the same thing: 'Do you think if he cared, you would be in this position?'" Abby questioned.
The answer, unfortunately, is no. If your partner truly wanted to make the change that would make your life easier, they would actively do the work and not spend months in therapy.
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When Abby brought these points up to the distressed wife, she defended her husband by explaining that he was making small changes. In response, Abby insisted that if he is, then he should be the one reading books and looking for resources instead of her. She's not the one who has to educate him on the importance of shared responsibilities and labor, and it's an unfair burden for her and any other wife out there to have to fix this collective issue when it isn't their problem to mend in the first place.
"I also bet she was the one who found the couple's counselor because he's still benefitting from everything even when he's working on things," Eckel said. "They're just pacifying you for that moment, not actually going to make meaningful change."
In a relationship, you shouldn't constantly bring up the same issue to your partner without seeing results. They should immediately want to remedy concerns of inequity, especially if they care enough about you to see the relationship flourish instead of diminish. That's why, at the beginning of a relationship, you should always make sure to be extra clear about expectations and boundaries.
"Trying to set boundaries after the fact — AFTER a man has benefited from you doing it, isn't likely to happen."
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.