7 Ways To Trust Men Again, According To A Relationship Expert
You can completely remodel your perspective on men.
Joshua Resnick | Canva Men (and women) have done and continue to do some crappy things in the world, but this doesn't change the fact that if you’re reading this, you probably want one to love.
It helps to drop the story that you are somehow sleeping with the enemy if you begin appreciating men.
Here are 7 ways to trust men again, according to a relationship expert:
1. Set aside your ideas of how you think men act.
And watch what they do.
Notice the 45,285,585,773 acts of kindness that men complete every day, just within your view. Start noticing. Start appreciating. Start saying "Thank you". You will draw more of these experiences to you.
A while back, I went to a concert alone. A very drunk man came up to me and started touching me, first on the arm, then he draped his arm around my shoulders.
I said "no," sternly and strongly. Before I had to do anything else, another man there with his girlfriend noticed, stopped what he was doing, and went out of his way to distract the drunk man with no conflict or weirdness.
This total stranger stepped in without my prompting or requesting help in any way. The drunk man was sufficiently distracted and went away. I thanked the man, and he went about enjoying his evening with his girlfriend.
Later that night, when the shuttle driver took me back to the parking lot, the driver took me directly to my car (he dropped everyone else at a shuttle stand,) waited until I was inside, and had the engine start to make sure everything was okay. He didn't have to do this, but I sure appreciated it.
Now, I could focus on the drunk, handsy guy and his part of the evening, but instead, I felt protected and honored by total strangers.
Focus on the positive experiences around you, and more will come into view. Often, we don’t give men enough credit for their positive contributions. Any behavior that is not reinforced goes extinct.
Do we want men’s kindness to go extinct? I certainly don’t. That’s why a strong dose of appreciation is in order.
2. Avoid generalizing your bad experiences to men.
It is critical that when you have a bad experience with a man, like abuse, cheating, or an awful relationship, you don’t begin making generalizations about men as a group. This can be particularly difficult if you had a bad childhood or a shaky relationship with your father.
Of the things on this list, this one has the most implications for your future. You must place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the man who cheated or abused you. Just because you had a bad experience with one (or dozens or hundreds) does not mean that all are to blame.
If you need to heal, I support you but do the work to get to the point where you aren't bitter. It will make your future relationships a world of good.
3. Stop dehumanizing men.
Men are not a nameless, faceless group. Men and women are complicated creatures who cannot and should not be reduced to stereotypes.
When you rail against men as a group, you’re saying to the world, "Nope, I don’t want to be with one of these people." This does not make it easy to attract one and fall in love.
4. Stop talking negatively about men as a group.
The man-bashing has to stop.
This includes joking with your girlfriends or the women at work in that "Ahh, men" way. If you have been wronged by a man, it’s okay to work it out how you need it, but not with the generalizations and jokes.
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5. Begin appreciating masculinity.
Aside from things like really listening and trying to understand the ones you already know, reading about men and what makes them tick is particularly helpful.
6. Cultivate better non-intimate relationships with the men already in your life.
Get to know the men already around you in a more personal way.
Find reasons to enjoy their company and talk to them. Listen to what they have to say about the world.
7. Learn to communicate in a way that doesn't ruin your relationships.
We often trip up when we treat men like they are on an opposing team and they should already know what we want. I don’t know anyone who is an accurate mind reader.
If you are unhappy, practice having rational discussions without blame or positioning yourself as a victim. Men (and your long-suffering girlfriends) will thank you.
RELATED: The Male Mind: Unlocking His Deepest Thoughts
Here's how one man cared for his wife of 60 years.
One of the most significant events of my life was a few years ago when I listened to a distant relative in his 80s talk about taking care of his wife of 60 years.
She suffered from Alzheimer's disease, and he took care of her for many years. Recently, she had gone to live in an assisted living facility because she had fallen in their home and her care had become too much for her husband alone.
He told us about how he visited her every day, all day, and fed her all three meals.
He remained cheerful.
With a sincere smile, he said, "It is such an amazing experience for me to be able to do this for her. Not a lot of people get the opportunity to go on this part of the journey with their love."
He said this with complete reverence and pleasure. To this day, the memory of the look of love on his face as he spoke of his wife brings me to tears.
Here was a man who, after 60-plus years of marriage, cherished any time he spent with his wife. He viewed something other people would have had a hard time coping with as an honor and privilege. He was not at all resentful or grief-stricken. There was no hint of obligation or sadness in his voice.
Less than a year later, his wife passed away, and he followed her shortly after.
At the time, I had felt beaten up by relationships and had gone through a brutal breakup. I was way too bitter than made sense given the circumstances.
Nonetheless, I was angry and felt wronged not just by one man but dramatically, all men. My belief in love had been shaken to the core.
I cringe at how bitter I was, but I bought the idea there were no good men out there.
This didn't make sense because I have a wonderful father who has been happily married to my mother for over 30 years, but I viewed my parents as an anomaly. In my experience of relationships up until that point, relationships with men went well for a while, after which they got dicey and potentially heartbreaking.
I didn't feel like men were safe enough to put one’s faith and commitment into it.
All it takes is one moment to change your life.
I was struck by the realization that I had vastly underestimated men and wasn't giving them the respect they deserved. I had never been struck by such a strong example of the kind of love I wanted before.
To get something, one must first realize that it exists. It’s not rocket science. If you don’t believe it’s out there and attainable, why would you continue to try for it?
If I wanted this kind of love, I would have to completely remodel my perspective on men because the belief that men could act like this had not hit my radar until that moment.
If you are harboring negative attitudes about what men want and who they are, this is likely causing you real problems creating a healthy relationship with one who deeply loves you.
Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.