5 Simple Ways To Politely Say No (Without Lying)
People-pleasing pleases everyone but yourself.
miodrag ignjatovic from Getty Images Signature Saying no is never easy and many of us struggle with this. But it's impossible to say yes to — and actually do — everything.
If we don't learn how to say no to some things, we will miss out on being able to realistically say yes to what matters most to us.
That's easier said than done, though, especially when we don't like disappointing others. How do we reject someone without coming off as completely rude or difficult?
Klara Kernig is a self-help advocate and people-pleasing recovery educator who specializes in setting boundaries. She recently shared five ways to say no to someone without lying on her Instagram account.
5 Phrases That Will Help You Say No Without Lying
1. "I wish I could, but I have other plans."
If you find yourself in a conversation in which you are being invited out — use this line. Politely tell them, "I have other plans, but we can reschedule another time."
And this doesn't have to be a lie either. Try coming up with plans for that day or dedicate that day to resetting your mental health. Have a spa day — create plans by yourself — or invite a friend.
A plan to do nothing all by yourself is also a perfectly acceptable plan.
2. "I’m exhausted, but ask me next time."
If you find yourself being invited out and you just can't imagine keeping your eyes open long enough to get there, let alone be alert all night, be upfront and tell them the truth. Express how school or work has been exhausting lately. Then follow up by telling them you will reschedule another time. People who care about you want you to take care of yourself.
And bonus points for modeling for your friends and family how to prioritize rest.
3. "Thanks, but that’s not really my thing."
Being asked out to a place you don't like or to an event that sounds like torture is nobody's idea of a good time. But this is an especially tricky situation for anyone with people-pleasing tendencies. On the one hand, you want to be polite and accept. On the other hand, you would rather eat slugs.
The best thing to do during this situation is to be upfront with the person. Tell them, "Thank you, but that's not my thing. Perhaps you can invite so and so? Or maybe we can do something we both agree on?" This method ensures you are both polite and flexible with the person — which can defuse and redirect the situation.
The more you practice saying no to things you don't like doing, the less people will ask you to do them, and you'll find yourself in this spot less and less.
4. "Doesn’t sound great to me."
Let's say your friend asks you to go skydiving and you have an intense fear of heights. Be honest with them and tell them, "That doesn't sound great to me and would make me uncomfortable. Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable doing that." Stay firm in protecting your safety, security, and wellbeing. You know what is best for you.
When someone pushes your boundaries and puts you in a compromising position — the very best response is to stand your ground.
5. "I have a lot on my plate right now."
Feeling overextended is a relatable emotion and most of us go through it at some point. So, when someone asks you to do something or go somewhere during a difficult period in your life — be honest with them.
Say, "Honestly, I have a lot on my plate right now and now is not a good time. I will contact you when my schedule is free." This lets the person know that you aren't intentionally rejecting them — while also protecting your energy in the process.
They may not even realize you have so much going on and will appreciate you letting them know — because people who care about us don't want to overwhelm us.
Why Boundaries Matter More Than Making Other People Happy
Setting boundaries is necessary for any relationship — whether it be a coworker or a friend. According to counselor Ann Stoneson, interpersonal boundaries are used to express what both parties can tolerate within the relationship.
Further, incorporating healthy boundaries can give us the push needed to take on an active role in our lives.
Boundaries are used to build both trust and respect in your relationships. Putting boundaries in place with people and at work can help you both organize and declutter your life from toxic behaviors.
If you aren't sure where to start, writer Chantelle Pattermore and clinical psychologist Jacquelyn Johnson have some advice. They write that you want to understand why you are creating these boundaries in the first place.
Is it wanting to control your family's financial spending? Or do you want to create boundaries to avoid toxicity? Regardless. understanding can help you figure out how to start setting proper boundaries.
Finally, don't forget that reinforcing your boundaries is just as important as creating them because boundaries that aren't respected or reinforced aren't boundaries. That's the entire point of them.
If saying no to others feels hard to you, you're not alone. So many of us struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, but the more we practice giving people honest reasons why we don't want to do something, the easier it will be to say no in the future.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.