4 Major Ways Parents Contribute To Kids Becoming Narcissists, According To Psychology
How psychology says parents may inadvertently contribute to raising children with narcissistic tendencies.
Prostock-studio | Canva Narcissistic people tend to be very difficult to deal with. Typically they are extremely self-absorbed and primarily focused on themselves — oftentimes coming across as hyper-arrogant, demanding, and entitled. Commonly, it's nearly impossible to convince them to take responsibility for their action. None of us dream of raising children who will then look through us or exploit us when they become adults. Unfortunately, this scenario happens with far too many.
In Jesse Singal's article, which is based on a 2015 study — he tends to accept parental overvaluation as the cause of childhood narcissism, rather than the lack of parental warmth. If we contrast the social learning theory with the generalized psychoanalytic view of a “warm” mother; that just might be the case, although it's doubtful. Instead, I propose to narrow down the psychoanalytic concept of an “empathetic mother” to a mother who fulfills the child's primary narcissistic needs. In this case, the attitude is not either/or but both.
Here are 4 major ways parents contribute to kids becoming total narcissists, according to psychology:
1. Genetics
Narcissism is shown to have a strong genetic background. This is what we can't influence (other than not choosing a partner who shows signs of narcissism.)
Karolina Kaboompics / Pexels
2. Intrauterine influences
During embryonic development, certain types of neurons are formed. What is happening is an incredibly sophisticated and orchestrated process shaped by millions of years of evolution. We don’t exactly know all of its components, nor can we influence it, so the best we can do to make sure a child's development isn't altered or disturbed is to provide the least stressful and most HEALTHY environment for the embryo/fetus possible.
3. Lack of parental empathy during the primer narcissism stage
Psychoanalysts claim that there is a state in child development at around age 2-4 which they call the primer narcissism. In this stage, the child has already developed a kind of independence from their mother, and they begin to form their ego by absorbing clues around them. It's easy to recognize this phase — it is full of, “Watch me! Look at me! I'm smarter than you! My father can beat up your father,” kind of mentality.
Kohut and Kernberg suppose that parental empathy in general is necessary to raise mentally strong and healthy children — I suggest more specification in the case of childhood narcissism. It's important to realize that your child is in the normal, natural phase of healthy primer narcissism, and so s/he needs positive feedback — both emotionally and cognitively.
Parents need to fulfill their kids' natural need for being seen, appreciated, and valued. The children need to feel that they are the center of their parent's universe. They need to feel loved so they — in turn — know they are loveable. They need to be seen so they feel acknowledged, and they need to feel appreciated so they know they are valuable. Cognitively, parents need to provide the appropriate positive feedback, which serves as the center of their self-esteem. It has to be genuine — reinforcing the real positive accomplishments of their kids.
I am a huge believer in positive discipline, so I'd rather reward — mostly verbally — ten good moves of a child than criticize one. Whenever there is an unfulfilled need, there is an injury in the child's development. If parents don’t fulfill the needs of the primer narcissism, that personality development gets stuck. The child might continue to look for that need fulfillment throughout their life if they don't get the acknowledgment and appreciation they were looking for in their early developmental stages.
4. Over-exaggeration of praise during childhood development
Need fulfillment does not have to go against reality. All children make an enormous amount of positive actions if you observe them with an open mind. It’s the parent’s job to find the positive traits of their child and reinforce them as often as they can.
While we might hunt for positive behavior or achievements, we shouldn't over-praise ordinary actions or exaggerate them. If your child brings a painting to you to see, it is more constructive to pay attention — ask about the details, the choice of the color, the meaning, and why s/he chose to paint exactly what s/he did — than evaluate him as “little Van Gogh.” Moreover, growing out of babyhood, we have to set up expectations and slowly, patiently but consequently make them fulfilled.
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Many of those expectations are social expectations — not making advances at the expense of others, not bragging, never demanding more attention than others, or interrupting.
Establishing rules and expectations are also parental assignments that go parallel with need fulfillment. Obviously, from the four components that support narcissistic character traits, we can't directly influence the genetic and intrauterine effects.
But I am a firm believer that even with the worst genetic make-up and the most troublesome pregnancy, we as parents have the opportunity to counteract the emergence of narcissism by fulfilling the child's healthy narcissistic need in their stage of primer narcissism and guiding, teaching and training them tactfully in the golden rules of social interactions.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Zita Fekete is a psychotherapist who helps over-accommodating women stick up for their needs and wants to create balanced relationships with their partners.