10 Subtle Ways To Get (Almost) Any Man To Listen When You Talk
Practical guidelines to get the results you want from men you actually care about.
Dean Drobot | Canva As women, we know how hard it is to get men to understand us. We talk to them, and then we get the stare. You know, the one where he looks like you just spoke a foreign language. Or we get an off-topic, potentially offensive response that sets off a day-ruining argument. So, how do you get him to listen? Start by following these tips.
Here are 10 subtle ways to get men to listen to you
1. Don't try to talk to him while he's busy
Don't talk to him when he's playing his video game, watching TV, or doing some other extra-curricular activity. You'll be wasting your words because he is not listening.
2. Don't interrupt him
Don't demand he stops doing whatever he is doing to listen to you. He'll just wait for you to finish talking so he can get back to what he was doing before you interrupt. So, he's not paying attention to you.
3. Don't yell
Don't yell at him to listen to you before you talk to him. Research in the Frontiers in Psychology supports how he'll think you're about to complain about something he should have done (or didn't do) and has already tuned you out. Once you're tuned out, you're out for good.
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4. Be attentive
Make the conversation one he wants to be part of and like, as demonstrated by a study in the Mindfulness Journal. To do this, smile and hold his hands. Sit on the couch and tell him you miss him and you want to talk to him for a while.
5. Ask him if he understands
As you're talking, if you start to get the I'm-not-really-listening stare, stop and ask, "Are you following me?" If it doesn't seem like he is, go back and explain it better.
6. Encourage him to ask questions
If he doesn't understand something, ask him, "What part doesn't make sense?" Tell him that you want to make sure he understands what you are talking about because you value his input on the topic. He will appreciate that you care so much about what he thinks!
7. Tell him what you want to hear
Men don't always naturally understand what you want from them to make you feel better — you have to tell them. And, trust me, they want to know. So, if your guy says, "Wow! That dress makes your butt look huge!" Correct him by saying something like, "Is that a good thing? If it is, you might want to say something like, 'Wow! You look beautiful in that dress tonight.'"
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8. Tell him what you want from the relationship
Research on attachment and communication published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships helps us understand that telling him what you want to hear is similar to telling your man what you want from the relationship. Do you want poems? Tell him you want poems.
OK, so it's not as romantic, but it works. And if you think about it, he has to choose a poem that makes him think of you, and that is romantic.
9. Don't talk to him when he's upset
If he's upset about something, don't try to start a conversation with him. He's already on another planet and isn't going to be able to take in or understand anything you're saying. Wait until he cools down before you discuss anything with him.
10. Praise him
As you try to get him to understand you more, praise him. The more you praise him, the more he will want to understand you, as suggested by A.D. Roland's research on gratitude and praise. You'll start to see how his eyes light up when you bring up the idea of talking about something or—gasp!—his willingness to pause a video game to hear you say something.
Remember: commitment and patience will help your man understand. These tricks don't work overnight. You can't just do them once and expect your man to understand you forever. Just be consistent — it's worth it!
Marcelina Hardy, MSEd, BCC, is an author, life coach, marriage educator, and relationship coach.