I Used Psychedelic Medicine To Heal My Childhood Trauma
Plant medicine is a beautiful way to set a foundation for healing, but recovery takes place every day.
bodnar.photo / Shutterstock A few years ago, one of my friends introduced me to plant medicine by inviting me to a mushroom ceremony, a spiritual event in a very intimate setting. I attended with the hopes of looking at my past and sorting through some of my deep-rooted childhood traumas.
The ceremony lasted the whole night and took me back to my childhood.
It allowed me to look at the relationship with my mom: how her alcohol dependency influenced our connection as well as the tough personality and ultra-independent attitude I developed. When I awakened the next day, I began to understand the power of psychedelic medicine when used for spiritual and healing purposes.
Therefore, I took a brave step and signed up for an ayahuasca ceremony in South Miami.
Frankly, I was terrified since many of my friends who had experience with Ayahuasca told me that vomiting, also called purging, was a part of the process. If I just knew back then that this was the least of my worries, I would have never had the courage to go through with it.
During my first Ayahuasca ceremony, I experienced a different dimension of my consciousness I didn’t know existed. It felt as if my ego shrank and my heart opened. The fear was gone and curiosity of what I was seeing took over.
This state of fearlessness allowed me to explore my nonexistent relationship with my father whom I haven’t spoken to in 11 years.
I also investigated my sexual trauma from my childhood. Since I felt ashamed of it, it was all too easy to push it into my subconscious and forget it ever happened at all.
Throughout the next 18 months, I fell in love with psychedelic medicine. I began micro-dosing mushrooms and had another two profound ayahuasca experiences.
My journey with psychedelic medicine facilitated a reconnection with my father, getting a therapist to address my sexual abuse, and even forced a reflection on my failed marriage.
Although I was making significant progress, somehow something was still missing. It felt as if the healing I was going through happened only on a superficial level.
Two years later, when I found myself in the fetal position, uncontrollably crying because I was heartbroken by someone I wasn’t even in a relationship with, I began questioning the process.
As the time progressed, things got worse. I lost a significant amount of weight, developed insomnia, and lived in constant fight-or-flight mode. I began smoking, which brought even more feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Then, last August, I hit rock bottom and finally acknowledged I was severely depressed.
Since I had no guts to release myself by taking my life, I knew the only way out was in.
Within a few months, I quit my job, let go of all of my coaching clients that I was actively coaching, packed one middle-sized suitcase I borrowed from my coworker, and boarded a plane to Delhi.
I spent a little over two months in India studying yoga and meditation while going through deep inner healing and recovery.
By studying the philosophy of this ancient practice while under the guidance of my teachers and a monk, I realized a fundamental aspect of a successful healing process: the importance of self-responsibility when it comes to our thoughts and emotions.
Although I would participate in a ceremony that many times ripped me apart mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, after it was over, I went right back to my victimhood.
I became great at understanding my traumas but still felt lost when healing them.
Frustratingly, I could talk for hours about the depth of my pain but felt speechless when it came to overcoming it.
Upon further reflection, one thing that started standing out was that inner work doesn’t happen only in the house of my shaman — that’s only a place of preparation while developing a better understanding of what happened to me.
However, the work does happen when I sit in my car in front of the gas station on Wednesday afternoon, battling with myself not to go in and buy cigarettes because of my anxiety attack.
Or when I stop identifying myself with the actions of my narcissistic father and decide that he won’t define my worth anymore. It’s about being able to forgive him for the abuse and terror he caused in my life while maintaining healthy boundaries to protect my mental health.
By taking responsibility for my emotions, I began to see significant changes in my healing. I was less reactive and gentler with myself, my insomnia was gone, and I became naturally calmer.
However, I didn’t stop there. I wanted to understand why I could look at my deep-rooted traumas under the influence of psychedelics without being retraumatized.
After a little research, I found a study that brought some clarity.
I learned that after taking plant medicine, a person experiences something that's known as the dissolution of the ego. Ego is everything from pain, suffering, shame, guilt, judgment, insecurities, blame, unworthiness, not feeling enough or loved, and much more.
Therefore, when my ego and all other limiting emotions dissolve, my heart and the possibility of healing expand. Once I am not consumed by my limits and suffering, I can embrace the other side of the spectrum which is love, joy, empathy, compassion, and understanding.
Loving and heartfelt emotions give us strength and courage. Therefore, we are better able to look at our traumatic experiences when feeling those emotions as opposed to when we are being dominated by the emotions of the ego.
But what happens when medicine starts to wear off?
Our ego begins taking on its form again. If we are not mindful of this subtle change and have no tools and techniques to self-regulate, we will go back to our victimhood or self-sabotage.
This led me to the second most important understanding of my healing process: the power of cultivating heartfelt emotions.
How can I heal my childhood trauma that resulted from lack of affection, abusive behavior, and neglect when all I feel is unworthiness and shame?
Looking at it now, it’s quite impossible. When I was in the darkest places, the last thing I needed was more dark.
Therefore the question became: "How can I cultivate emotions of wholeness and joy and deal with my past from a supported and strong place within me?"
Some of the tools I’ve been using are yoga, meditation, mindfulness techniques, and practicing affirmations while learning to set boundaries. They allow me to better self-regulate, deepen my relationship with myself and stay in control of what I tolerate.
Would I recommend psychedelic medicine to heal yourself? In a safe and supported environment, absolutely yes.
By approaching it from a spiritual place, there is a big probability that it allows you to open the door to your past and, often, set a foundation for your healing.
However, the real journey begins when day by day, one triggering event after another, with the power of your mind and emotional self-regulation, you rebuild yourself into a woman you never dreamed you could become.
Silvia Turonova is a writer and women's mindset coach.