11 Sly Traits Of People Who Act Like Good Friends But Are Actually Backstabbers
Despite being difficult, setting boundaries with certain people in your life is essential for your emotional health.
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock Figuring out which of your good friends are actually friends and not just out to get you is key to a peaceful and happy life. Especially hard for "people-pleasers" and busy adults with a million other things to worry about, the negative energy of a bad friend can affect your emotional well-being.
Whether you've been in a long-term friendship or they're supportive and loving occasionally, making the decision to finally protect your peace isn't easy. However, getting to that final step of asserting your demands for respect and creating space starts with identifying their bad behavior and figuring out which of your good friends but are actually backstabbers.
By picking up on these subtleties and protecting the energy your friends bring to your life, you can move forward with a sense of confidence that your inner circle’s intentions are supportive, instead of backstabbing.
Here are 11 sly traits of people who act like good friends but are actually backstabbers
1. They're always gossiping about other people
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Outside of findings from a 2024 study that suggest occasional gossip over a shared experience or struggle can be healthy, the majority of rumors and negative energy that tends to come from a constantly gossiping friend is inherently toxic. When someone is hyper-critical of everyone in their life, and they express those negative comments to you often, chances are they're saying similarly hurtful things about you to others.
Negative energy builds up, especially in a long-term friendship characterized by gossiping and making fun of others, in ways that can genuinely impact your emotional health. If you're starting to feel that energy lingering in your daily life, it might be time to set some healthy boundaries for your interactions and conversations.
2. They can never keep a secret
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According to a 2024 survey on friendship, loyalty is the number one trait people look for in their close friendships and inner circles. Like any other healthy relationship, trust is essential — you should feel comfortable enough to share your emotions, opinions, and vulnerabilities with your friends without worrying that they're sharing them beyond your relationship.
If you feel like you don't have that kind of trust with a friend, or constantly catch them sharing other people's secrets with you, don't hesitate to consider their intentions. If they're freely sharing other people's confidential thoughts and feelings, there's a great chance they're doing the same with yours.
You deserve a friend with your best interests in mind. Someone who is freely sharing your secrets, criticizing your decisions, or making fun of your vulnerabilities behind your back is the opposite that.
3. They struggle making commitments
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Like any other relationship you hope to keep in your life, good friends prioritize keeping their commitments, staying true to their promises, and respecting people's time, energy, and space. When a "friend" shows up consistently late, cancels last minute commitments frequently, or breaks a promise, you should question whether they're truly considerate of your wellbeing or more focused on their own self interests to care.
While therapists like Jennifer Litner argue this kind of inconsistency is a common trait of a toxic one-sided friendship, there are ways to communicate about this behavior to a friend before cutting them off completely.
Urge them to be realistic. Do they have a lot of stress in their life? Do they actually have the time to be making plans or should you play it by ear? Communicate your frustrations to them. If they change, that's great. If they don't, you should consider whether this friendship is truly adding to your life.
4. They're hyper-critical of you
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Many friendships struggle with longevity because of inherent jealousy or envy. While it might be subtle, some friends secretly compete with the people in their lives to build up their own superiority and subdue their insecurities. Your friends should champion your accomplishments and success, not criticize them or take away from your happiness.
Like life coach Ann Papayoti argues, not supporting your success is still a way toxic friends fail to "show up" for you, even if it's entirely emotional. Especially if this is a chronic tendency in your relationship, ensure your friend is not secretly hoping for your downfall behind your back — that's the kind of energy that should be swiftly cut off.
5. They never reach out first or make plans
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Perceived "reciprocity" in friendships tends to spark more conflict than other struggles, as many people experience "responsibility bias," a term psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco explains as the tendency for humans to take note of the things they take responsibility for — like sending the first text to a friend — more than the things they don't.
When we're conscious of the fact that we reach out first to our friends or make plans before anyone else, it can spark feelings of resentment in a relationship, making it feel one-sided. Of course, people who act like good friends but are actually backstabbers might show up to these events or respond to your texts, but it's their lack of engagement in starting them that's contributing to a toxic dynamic.
6. They drain your energy
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Take note of how you feel after hanging out with a specific person. Do you feel happier and more fulfilled? Or are you insecure and feeling tired? According to marriage counselor Larry Michel, emotional vampires can manifest as a good friend, but truly backstab you, take away from your good energy, and secretly sabotage your success.
You might feel tired, even though you've slept plenty. You might feel less creative, inquisitive, or curious. Your other friends and family might even notice a shift in your energy and personality when they're around.
Validate your own emotions and experiences by recognizing the people who negatively affect your emotional health, then take actionable steps to mitigate the consequences of their behavior on your day-to-day life.
7. They weaponize therapy phrases
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While the rise of mental health awareness has many benefits to the health and well-being of relationships, personal development, and even friendships, there are some downsides to its accessibility, including weaponized "therapy speak."
By misusing therapy terms like "gaslighting" or "manipulation," people who act like good friends but are actually backstabbers can guilt you into thinking you're actually the perpetrator and they're the victim, even when they're in the wrong.
Of course, phrases like this can be helpful for acknowledging toxic behavior, but they can just as easily be misused in the hands of a misguided, narcissistic, or toxic person.
8. They're condescending
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According to psychologist Beth Birenbaum, condescending behavior can take a number of different forms in your relationships, from belittling remarks, to interrupting, to dismissive body language like eye rolling. When someone doesn't respect you, they might utilize this condescension to subtly put you down and reassert their own misguided ego and superiority.
Even in your seemingly healthy friendships, don't dismiss the negative emotions you feel in response to passive condescension. A true friend, with healthy intentions and your best interests in mind, won't purposely put you down to help themselves feel better.
9. They're constantly comparing their achievements to others
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While they might not be inherently malicious or manipulative, many insecure people tend to self-assure their egos and misguidedly build their own confidence by comparing themselves to the people in their lives — whether it be siblings, friends, or family. While it might help them to feel temporarily better in the moment, the long-lasting effect of this comparison can spark resentment and mistrust in relationships.
These are the kinds of friends who always feel the need to "one-up" you in conversations or diminish your accomplishments in front of others. True, empathetic, and well-intentioned friends will celebrate you and give you your space to shine without judgment or criticism.
10. They overstep your boundaries
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According to psychotherapist Duygu Balan, toxic behavior, especially amongst close friends, can be extremely difficult to identify and truly acknowledge, but there's one foolproof way to pinpoint toxic relationships in your life: trusting your gut.
It's okay to let go of unhealthy and toxic friendships, like Balan passionately argues, especially if your intuition is constantly reminding you that a friend is overstepping your boundaries, draining you of your energy, or making you feel uncomfortable in various settings. Don't ignore those behaviors and the negative feelings you experience as a result of them; you deserve supportive, loving, and healthy friends.
11. They make every conversation about them
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While inherently selfish people, often driven by their own insecurities or narcissism, are fully capable of having healthy relationships with the right boundaries and expectations, toxic friends who constantly make things about themselves are dismissing your emotions and taking away space for you to exist.
Healthy friendships are about maintaining a balance between two people — whether it's communicating struggles, venting about a problem, seeking validation, or spending quality time together, you shouldn't feel completely left out of all the benefits a healthy relationship should bring.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.