10 Traits Of A Woman Who Seems Nice But Is Actually Narcissistic
You may think she's the best thing since sliced bread. The trouble is, so does she.
Evannovostro | Shutterstock The traits of a woman who seems nice but is actually narcissistic are subtle, to say the least. After all, people who are narcissists aren't going to shout from the rooftops, "Hey, I'm a narcissist! Please be aware!" No, they'll use their kindness to get to close you and then use that to take advantage of you.
Unfortunately, spotting a narcissist isn't always easy. They're usually master manipulators who are great at putting up a front. Luckily, they aren't great at hiding all of their narcissistic traits, many of which come disguised as attempts to be way too nice.
Here are 10 traits of a woman who seems nice but is actually narcissistic
1. She's charming at first
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Watch out if a woman seems super charming at first — she might just be narcissistic.
A narcissistic person might just be using their world-class charm to manipulate others in order to get what they want.
Professor Nina W. Brown Ed.D, LPC, DFAGPA, explains that a charming self-absorbed person hangs on to every word their victim says. They'll greet their prey with a smile and stare into their eyes intensely, making them feel important.
Then, they'll slowly change their behavior, making that person feel as if it's their fault. She further stated that they'll withdraw their interest, change topics, spend less time with that person, or give their attention to someone else.
However, this is just a ploy to get someone into their claws. Because once a narcissistic person knows they can control someone, they'll spend years breaking this person down into what they want them to be.
They'll take advantage of their kindness until the person might not even know who they are anymore. This is why if someone is a bit too charming it's best to run. They might seem nice, but they might also be a complete narcissist.
2. She pretends to be interested to gain more information
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Another indicator of a woman who seems nice but is actually narcissistic is that she'll pretend to be interested in order to gain information.
She'll sit on the couch and chat with you about your interests or problems. She'll make direct eye contact and nod encouragingly, making you feel like you can open up to her.
In reality, she doesn't care about you or your problems. She's there for one purpose and that is to benefit herself. Once she finally gets what she wants it's not uncommon to never hear from her again.
This kind of narcissist will disappear from the face of the Earth, making you wonder if she even existed in the first place.
3. She stirs up drama under the guise of being a good friend
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A woman who seems nice might stir up drama under the guise of being a good friend. She'll tell you what someone said and the tone they said it in because she's "such a good friend."
But if someone felt comfortable talking ill about their friend it should make people wonder, why did she feel comfortable with it in the first place? Was it because they misspoke? Or, is it because they're secretly a fake friend?
Furthermore, a person who's a narcissist might stir the pot without anything to back it up. They'll make up nasty rumors to turn people against each other. The reasons why a narcissist does this is plentiful.
They might say, "This person called you ugly," just to fill in the slot of being your new best friend. Or, they might cause tension in your relationship because they secretly want your partner.
Regardless, if someone is constantly involved in drama be sure to keep a distance. Nobody wants to get in trouble for something they didn't do. Or worse, break up a healthy relationship because of a toxic person.
4. She compliments people too much
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A woman who seem nice but is actually narcissistic loves to compliment others. She might stop random strangers on the street and compliment their outfit or their perfume saying, "Wow, you look so beautiful today."
It might seem like a kind or genuine thing to say. People might think, "Wow, this person is so secure within themselves." But just like that moment in Mean Girls, narcissists sometimes compliment others to appear sweet when deep down inside, they're looking for ways to score brownie points or to appear normal to others.
Moreover, they want others to admire them because it helps fuel their ego. As you get closer to them, they'll slowly begin to let their guard down, exposing who they truly are.
5. She acts humble but is really humble-bragging
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Another indicator of a woman who seems nice but is actually narcissistic is one who "humble-brags."
People who accomplish a goal might go out to celebrate. Or they might not mention their achievements at all, not considering it a big deal. However, narcissists can't help but humble-brag when they reach an important milestone.
On the outside, it might appear that a narcissist is staying humble. They'll say something along the lines of, "Yes, I make six figures now but it's not that big of a deal." Yet, this humble brag is truly because they don't want to mess up their image.
They'll do their best to be humble while indirectly rubbing their accomplishments in other people's faces. Unfortunately, this type of behavior doesn't have the desired effect they were hoping for.
According to researchers at Harvard University, there are two types of humble-braggers — those who use humility and those who complain. People who complain might disguise their complaints as compliments. They'll say, "Oh gosh I look so skinny it's not fair." On the flip side, those who use humility might say, "I can't believe I was tasked with the most important part of this project. Isn't that crazy?"
Regardless, the results of both are still the same. Researchers found that people who straight-up brag were more liked compared to those who humble-brag.
This means that if a narcissist wants to seem nice and be well-liked, they're better off straight-up bragging. Otherwise, they risk coming off as fake and straight-up annoying.
6. She plays the victim to gain pity
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Another warning sign of a woman who seems nice but is actually narcissistic is one who can't help but play the victim.
Narcissists love receiving pity. They love knowing that people feel bad for them and want to be there for them. For a narcissist, this is a stroke to their ego and a guaranteed ticket to getting whatever it is they want from someone.
This is why they make those upsetting three-in-the-morning calls where they whine about their best friend. This is also why they play up the antics and cry extra hard.
A narcissist is never that upset about something. Most likely, they just want a little attention even if it costs someone their sleep.
7. She shows support while secretly doing her best to sabotage others
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If someone is actually narcissistic they might show support to seem nice. Yet that "support" is a guise used to secretly sabotage others.
Truthfully, a narcissist is rarely happy about other people's successes. If someone got something they wanted they're not clapping out of joy, they're clapping out of obligation.
Secretly, behind closed doors, they're wondering what they can do to win back what was "rightfully theirs." A narcissist may then mess up their projects, spread false rumors, and undermine them at every turn just to sabotage them.
And if someone happens to be close to that narcissist they should run for the hills. As it stands, the closer someone is to a narcissist, the more likely they are to be sabotaged by them.
8. She uses kindness to be passive-aggressive and intimidate others
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A woman who seem nice but is actually narcissistic might use kindness to intimidate others.
With a forced smile and gritted teeth, she'll approach you in the most passive-aggressive way possible. She may say something like, "Are you sure you want to do that sweetie," while staring you down and using her laced-filled-honey voice to sound "nice" and at the same time borderline threatening.
People who come across these individuals shouldn't let their sweet words fool them. They aren't considerate of other's well-being. Instead, they want to control the situation by discretely intimidating others in the process.
9. She makes tons of too good to be true promises
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A woman might seem nice, but if she never keeps a promise she may actually be narcissistic. People who make tons of "too good to be true" promises don't fully intend to keep those promises, they're just trying to score brownie points with others.
In the heat of the moment, they like to play on other people's emotions. They use people's heightened vulnerability to get close and draw information out of them in the hope that they'll reveal their deepest insecurities and traumas to them so they can use the information later on. To solidify this further, they'll make false promises to ensure others feel safe enough to let their guard down.
Unfortunately, this type of betrayal leads to drastic consequences for people with anxiety, OCD, or PTSD. The effects of betrayal may lead to shock, grief, damaged self-esteem, anger, and self-doubt. These effects are worse for people who are already suffering from other mental health issues.
This is why if something sounds too good to be true, it likely is. And if that's the case, though these people might seem nice, it's best to distance yourself completely.
10. She insults other people's looks under the guise of helping them out
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A woman who seem nice but is actually narcissistic might insult someone under the guise of just being helpful.
Using a fake concerned tone, she'll demean others and say, "Honey, that dress just doesn't do it for you." This might appear helpful or honest to most, but narcissists say this to put people down.
After all, being told that you're not beautiful enough can put a damper on the most confident person's self-esteem.
Additionally, psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner, MD, FAPA, states that vulnerable narcissists use entitlement, arrogance, and pride to cover up their guilt and shame. Through this, narcissists might make fun of others to make themselves feel better.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.