Trad Wife Turned 'Raging Feminist' Explains How She Broke Free Of Being A Martyr For Her Family
“Domestic engineering is not the same path as stay-at-home motherhood.”
filadendron / Canva Pro More often than not, societal norms dictate that the role of a wife and mother is synonymous with self-sacrifice and devotion to her family. She takes care of the kids, she cooks, she cleans. She does it all, and she does it alone.
However, for Ollie Rose, this traditional role became a source of frustration and oppression. With time and reflection, she gradually found her voice and broke free from the confines of societal expectations.
Rose took to TikTok to share her personal experience of breaking free from her role as a trad wife to a ‘raging feminist.’
In a since-deleted video, Rose reacted to Caitlyn Browning’s TikTok asking what the differences between a stay-at-home mom and a traditional wife are.
Rose explained the two roles are very different, and she offered some background on how she discovered this.
Rose, who is now 31, shared how she got pregnant when she was 21. She and her husband had decided that she would stay home with their baby while he worked full-time, but she also assumed this role naturally included additional domestic responsibilities. She shared how she did all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
“That’s my job,” Rose said, revealing her thought process at the time. “It’s a gift that I get to stay home and I don’t have to go out into the world and I get to stay home with my baby.”
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When her husband got home, Rose continued carrying out these responsibilities, making him dinner every night and allowing him to rest and do what he pleased. She wouldn’t pressure him to help out with chores or with their baby, believing it was her responsibility as a stay-at-home mom to “do all the things.”
“I thought that's how I was supposed to live,” Rose shared. “I thought I was supposed to, like, martyr myself in a way, because I wasn't enjoying this. I was very lonely, but I thought that that was my role in society.”
Having a lot of time to herself to evaluate her life, Rose eventually learned being a stay-at-home mom was not the same as being a trad wife.
“I started to break down and understand patriarchy and misogyny within marriages,” Rose explained.
She found that it is not required of stay-at-home moms to take care of every responsibility on their own. Rather, stay-at-home moms are exactly what the name suggests — a mom who stays at home and takes care of her children. By no means is she required to work as a full-time house cleaner and cook in addition to her caretaking. These responsibilities are what the role of a trad wife entails.
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While cleaning and cooking are natural responsibilities that everyone has to take care of, it’s unfair to assume that stay-at-home moms are solely responsible for these tasks. Co-parenting and taking care of a family as a unit requires a division of labor.
“When [my husband] comes home, we are both off the clock, which means that both of us step in to do parenting and house care tasks,” Rose shared. “Domestic engineering is not the same path as stay-at-home motherhood.”
While it’s natural for these paths to coincide, due to societal expectations, they are two very different mindsets.
Within their 10 years together, Rose shared how she and her husband have been able to grow and respect each other’s requests and needs.
During a time when Rose lived as the only woman in her household with her husband, her brother, and a cousin, she said she not only took care of her son, but she cleaned and cooked for everyone.
For six years, Rose was “stuck in this role” of being a trad wife and taking care of everyone and everything at home, but she got to a point where she became aware of this unfair treatment after feeling severely worn out.
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She finally decided enough was enough and had to do a “complete relationship reset” because she was ready for a divorce.
Luckily, her husband eventually opened his eyes and realized the flawed nature of their co-parenting relationship, and he was willing to change and compromise.
“Don't get me wrong, we still fall back into these roles,” Rose explained. “But, when you're in long-term relationships with people and you are growing, like, you are constantly going to go through these, like, growing pains and growth stages, ‘cause who he is today is not who he was 10 years ago.”
Because of the pressure society puts on stay-at-home moms and trad wives, they struggle to allow themselves to rest or relax.
While some moms find it fulfilling to keep themselves busy throughout the day, and naturally take on additional responsibilities because they prefer to, it’s important to address the societal and patriarchal pressures placed on them to fulfill these roles.
“You can't sit down, you can't enjoy leisure time, you get to stay home, but you better not sit on the couch because that makes you… lazy,” Rose expressed.
In fact, because they’re not making their own income, stay-at-home moms feel obligated to take on additional roles, with little to no rest. And if they don’t meet these expectations, people are quick to judge and shame them.
In addition to this, many trad wives aren’t even given any access to the finances their husbands bring home and are essentially treated as their husbands' personal maids.
“Why is it that if you’re a stay-at-home mom, you somehow have to bring money to the table in order to somehow show worth?” Lindsey Whittle, a stay-at-home mom, asked with frustration on TikTok.
While the role of being a stay-at-home mom is misconstrued to be an easygoing role, parenting is a full-time job in itself. When mothers sacrifice their own paths to fill this role, they are working just as hard, if not harder, as anyone else with a paid full-time role, but get judged twice as much for actually allowing themselves to rest.
It is a woman's choice to decide the roles and responsibilities she wants to take on within her family.
In essence, stay-at-home moms and trad wives do not have the same role, but they get treated as such. It’s necessary to recognize the difference and stop expecting homemakers to cater to everyone’s needs, in addition to caring for their children.
There are many women who enjoy their role as a trad wife, and that is their own personal choice, but this does not mean every stay-at-home mom is expected to be a trad wife.
Today, Rose shared how she now works as a content creator who advocates for women's rights and emphasizes a balance between house tasks and parenting with her husband, while still staying home and caring for her children.
It’s important for couples to have open conversations about their chosen roles in their family and find a balance that values both parents’ needs. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to stay at home with the kids but know your worth and value. Don’t mistake staying home for the kids with being a personal, unpaid housekeeper.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.