8 Tiny Signs You're Abandoning Yourself To Please Others, According To An Anxiety Therapist
Listen to what your mind and body tell you.
fizkes | Shutterstock Anxiety feels different for everyone who experiences it. For some people, anxiety manifests in their minds, making their thoughts loop and worst fears echo. Others hold anxiety in their bodies, their hearts racing and stomachs twisting, finding it hard to breathe.
Georgie Collinson, an anxiety therapist in Australia, posed a thoughtful question to Instagram, wondering if anxiety, though distinctly unpleasant, is actually a message that lets us know when we’re abandoning ourselves for the sake of making other people happy.
“What if this pesky, annoying inconvenience of anxiety was actually a friend beckoning you to come back home to yourself?” Collinson asked.
Here are 8 tiny signs you’re abandoning yourself to please others:
1. You’re always doing what’s nice for them, not right for you
If you often find yourself compromising your own needs for those of other people, you’ve likely lost touch with what makes you feel fulfilled.
This can come up when a friend asks a favor you don’t actually want to do or when a family member expects you to come to a holiday you’d rather stay home for. Sure, showing up to Thanksgiving at your overbearing aunt’s house is a nice thing to do, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right move for you to make.
Sometimes, protecting our inner peace is worth disappointing others.
2. You say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’
Another sign that you’re not paying attention to yourself is saying yes to things you don’t want to do.
Maybe you have a toxically positive boss who has a special project for you or wants to promote your title with no extra pay. Maybe you’re tempted to agree, just to keep their expectations for you intact, only you know that saying yes will make you feel burnt out at your job.
While accepting requests from other people might seem easier in the short term, in the long run, it can cause you stress and exhaustion and make you feel generally resentful of the people around you.
Learning how to set clear, direct boundaries at work and with the people you love is a way to manage expectations and is an act of care for yourself.
3. You make yourself small to please other people
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Has anyone ever told you, directly or indirectly, that you take up too much space? Sometimes people, especially women, are told they’re too loud or too aggressive when what they’re really doing is advocating for their needs to be met, either in professional or emotional ways.
It’s hard not to internalize the kind of criticism that makes you feel like you’re too much. But the reality is that we’re all valuable and loveable. We all deserve to say what we feel and ask for what we need.
4. You let others cross your boundaries
Setting boundaries is never simple, and some people will inevitably act in ways that test your limits.
You might have an in-law who pushes your boundaries when it comes to being around your children. Maybe you have that one friend who bulldozes over you and ignores your feelings while venting her own messy emotions.
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Letting people cross your boundaries can make you feel uneasy, which is a sign that you’re abandoning yourself for other people.
5. You make decisions that go against your values
Having a strong moral compass to guide you through life is a definite benefit, but you might find yourself feeling anxious if you’re pressed to make a decision that goes against it.
Ignoring your own values can leave you stuck in an anxiety loop that’s hard to break free from. Yet tapping into your intuition and making a list of what’s important to you is one way to reconnect with that part of yourself, and it’s the first step to making decisions based on what’s most important to you.
6. You try to make sure everyone likes you
A major part of people-pleasing habits is rooted in anxiety. People pleasers work really hard to make sure people like them, but that behavior is a trap.
The truth is we can’t control how people feel about us, so we might as well show up as our authentic selves instead of molding ourselves into someone we think others want us to be.
As long as you’re not actively causing harm to other people, being the truest version of yourself is always the right move. Most of the world responds positively to people who let their innate sense of confidence shine bright. So be yourself and revel in all the gifts you offer.
7. You stay quiet when you’re upset
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Communication is the key to staying connected to others, but saying what we feel can be challenging, especially when we feel angry, hurt, or disappointed by others.
It might seem like you’re taking the high road by not complaining, but really, you’re letting your own emotional needs take a backseat to everyone else’s.
It’s not needy to express emotions. It’s a sign that you’re connected to who you are and what makes you fulfilled in relationships, whether platonic or romantic.
By keeping quiet when you’re in a bad place, you’re not being true to yourself. Telling the people you care about when you’re upset gives them a chance to see the real you and work on repair.
8. You don’t feel hard feelings
Feeling big feelings is never easy, especially because we’re taught to tamp down the more negative emotions. How many times have you heard someone tell you not to worry about it or to just let your anger or sadness go?
In order to process tough emotions, first, we have to sit with them. Sitting in our negative feelings is never easy, but it helps us recognize and name them, which then lets us actually move on.
Paying attention to what your body and mind are telling you is the initial step to living as your fullest self. No person is perfect. No one is a bad person for saying no, for protecting their inner peace, or for feeling the full range of their emotions.
By listening to our anxieties, we can show up for ourselves and live in the most authentic ways possible.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.