10 Things That Won't Actually Make You Happier — And 10 That Will
Happiness isn't something we seek out, but something we learn how to recognize.
Josep Suria | Shutterstock While we're told that we can choose happiness, we aren't told why it feels like we can't or why we don't. We're told that a good life is found in love and family, a good job and a stable income, but not why many people with all of this and more are still profoundly dissatisfied.
The truth is that we don't know ourselves as well as we need to, and a lot of it is influenced by the common ideas of what makes for a "good life." The things we chase are, ultimately, the things we become, so we need to set the record straight on what will actually make you happy and what won't.
Here are 10 things that won't actually make you happier (and 10 that will)
1. Work
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What won't make you happier: Working less
What will: Working more efficiently
We say we want to work less, but when given the opportunity to take some downtime, we're often left stir-crazy and eager to return to the office. It's like our bodies and minds don't know when to take a break and relax a little bit.
But working less isn't the issue — it's learning to work better. It's being routine, disciplined, and very focused, three things that people usually don't develop.
2. Friendship
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What won't make you happier: Having more friends
What will: Cherishing and deepening the relationships that you already have
When we imagine our "happy lives," we see ourselves surrounded by friends and loved ones. Certainly, there's something to be said for feeling as though you belong to a tribe.
But the idea that having more people in your life will make you feel better is usually an illusion. Because having a large group of friends doesn't mean you're close with all of them.
Instead of having lots of friends, who may or may not be fair-weather, what matters more is developing deeper, more intimate connections with a few important people.
3. Life challenges
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What won't make you happier: Having fewer problems
What will: Having confidence that you can manage the inevitable challenges that arise in life
Most of the problems that cause us stress and anxiety aren't the problems themselves; rather, they're how we think about the problems.
Sometimes, we may even catastrophize the issue, sending our worry through the roof. We worry because we think doing so will prepare us in case something goes wrong.
Anxiety is a major motivator, but this is also a misperception. It isn't having fewer problems that makes you feel better, it's having the ability to problem-solve and adapt.
So, the key to having a genuinely happier life is remaining confident in the face of adversity, knowing you can push through whatever life throws your way.
4. Success
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What won't make you happier: Feeling superior to other people
What will: Feeling connected to other people
The word "success" once meant to succeed someone, to follow them, but today it usually alludes to someone who's superior to others. That superiority is usually a defining trait of what we perceive our best lives to consist of.
But this feeling is usually something we crave only when we feel disconnected from those around us. True happiness comes from human connection, not trying to portray oneself as better than anyone else.
5. Body image
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What won't make you happier: Changing your body by losing weight
What will: Learning to love your body even when you don't like it
Weight loss is such a huge issue for many people. Aside from being a legitimate medical concern, it's a very common anxiety. In fact, research has shown that there's a link between anxiety and weight loss.
Weight is a means of safety. It's how our bodies physically manifest the need to feel secure. Regardless, losing it (or adapting to a more ideal image of yourself) will not make you feel better about yourself, as that kind of self-love is conditional.
However, what will is learning to love who you are, regardless of how you look, then adjusting your appearance if so you choose. Loving yourself is certainly no easy feat, but it's worth it for a happier life.
6. Confronting inner turmoil
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What won't make you happier: Uprooting your life and taking off to start over
What will: Finding the root of the issues that keep arising
It's normal to wonder whether or not giving up would be easier than confronting the problems that are keeping the deepest parts of us locked up. Everyone reaches their saturation point — it's just a matter of whether or not it prompts you to "fight" or "flight."
The work of delving even deeper into ourselves is what we try to avoid, and yet, it's usually what we must do. Otherwise, we just end up just repeating old patterns and ending up right where we started in the first place.
7. Stress
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What won't make you happier: Feeling less stressed
What will: Using stress to your advantage
Studies show that some stress is actually good for us, but only when we're able to interpret it well. In other words, when we see it as something to utilize, it can energize us; when we see it as something scary, it can paralyze us.
But rather than taking steps to lessen your stress, what will actually make you happy is taking that stress and utilizing it to improve yourself in every way possible. Reframe your mindset to see stress as something necessary to push you forward, not hold you back.
8. Dependence on technology
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What won't make you happier: Disconnecting, spending less time on your phone
What will: Addressing the compulsion to "anxiety scroll" in the first place
A tech-free life can seem luxurious, but if you feel the need to disconnect, you're probably already heavily reliant on technology in the first place. When you think of how many hours a day you spend on your phone or computer, it can seem like a lot.
But simply putting the phone down or making less time for social media will not make you feel better. Instead, addressing the fear or social anxiety that leads you to constantly "check-in" on things definitely will.
Make it a point to spend some time figuring out why you have the need to endlessly scroll. Then, you can slowly cut back on your technology dependence and move toward a more satisfying, happy life.
9. Money
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What won't make you happier: Having a lot more money
What will: Having fewer bills, a better budget, and controlling the impulse to consume
Most people function within something called a "percentage bias." If they're used to spending 30% of their income on dinners and drinks, they will likely continue to do so even if they get a raise at work.
Our habits are our habits, no matter what external circumstances crop up. But staying stuck in this cycle can lead to financial issues down the line. However, solving that problem doesn't come from making more money.
If we feel the need to overspend, we will always be in debt. It's (usually) not about making more money, but addressing the emotional issues tied to the money you do have. That's when you'll actually feel the impact of extra income and be on your way to real happiness.
10. Pain
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What won't make you happier: Feeling less pain
What will: Not being afraid of pain
We worry about preparing ourselves for pain, whether physical or emotional. It's a form of self-conditioning, after all.
We think that if we can imagine and embrace the pain of a hypothetical situation, it won't really affect us if it actually comes to pass. Unfortunately, this mindset is ludicrous and is the reason we experience pain in the first place.
It's not about feeling less pain, but rather, not being afraid to feel pain in the first place. No, pain is never a pleasant experience, but you won't really live until you're not making every choice with the intention of just taking the "easiest way out."
It's in trying to insulate ourselves from the pain that we create pain. And the trick to happiness relies on you facing pain head-on.
Brianna Wiest is a writer, editor, author, and regular contributor to publications such as Huffington Post, Forbes, Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, and many others. She's the author of '101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think,' and other collections of poetry and prose.