11 Things Millennials Need To Do Before Turning 40 So They Can Age Without Regrets
Millennials are standing at a pivotal moment.
fizkes | Shutterstock Getting older is a transformative process. With each passing year, we learn more about ourselves. The more we know about what we like and don't like, we can design a life we truly want to live. Aging allows us to step into who we're meant to be, but we can feel a strong sense of loss, as well.
Some millennials are still on the cusp of turning 30, while some elder millennials have already celebrated their 40th birthdays. As millennials in the middle get closer to that major milestone, they're doing some serious self-reflection and deciding what they want the next half of their lives to look like. There are significant things millennials need to do before turning 40 so they can age without regrets, yet those things have less to do with external goals, and much more to do the emotional work of self-acceptance and giving themselves grace.
Here are 11 things millennials need to do before turning 40 so they can age without regrets
1. Step into their authenticity
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As millennials get ready to cross the threshold from young adulthood to middle age, they need to step into their authentic selves, so they can age without regrets. As a generation who spent their formative years on Facebook and Instagram, millennials know a lot about putting up a photo-ready facade. Being fully authentic is a gift they can give themselves before turning 40.
Psychologist Cortney Warren defined authenticity as "being true to yourself and acting in a way that reflects your core sense of self. It means that you aspire to be consistently yourself at all times and in all situations — including when you're alone, around others, and in social environments."
As Dr. Warren explained, most of us aim for authenticity because "we want to be grounded in our own skin, secure in who we are, and accept our strengths and weaknesses. We want to be able to live a lifestyle that reflects our inner values, beliefs, personality, and passions."
She shared that exploring what's important to you and living life accordingly helps build up your self-esteem, which allows you to feel comfortable being unabashedly yourself. "Practice appreciating the wonderful things about you," she advised. "When you fall short of how you'd like to be, remind yourself that life is a big learning experiment."
2. Reframe their mistakes
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One of the most important things millennials need to do before turning 40 so they can age without regrets is reframe how they think about their mistakes. It's easy to fall into a self-defeating pattern and stay stuck in the past, but defining ourselves by the places we failed stops us from celebrating all the small victories we've gathered.
According to applied developmental psychologist Deborah Heiser, PhD, humans exist between two emotional poles: fulfillment and regret. We feel fulfilled when our lives feel meaningful and purposeful, when we're involved in relationships that nourish us, instead of depleting us.
We spend most of our lives trying to reach that pole. Regret comes from "believing we could have done something differently or better in our past that would have resulted in happiness."
Yet the truth is that our lives will never look exactly like what we pictured in our imaginations. When we reframe our mistakes, we acknowledge that our past selves were doing the best they could at the time, even if we would have done it differently now. We give ourselves permission to change and keep changing, and soften the harsh edges of regret.
3. Negotiate their salary
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When it comes to job satisfaction, money isn't everything, but it's a major part of what makes people feel happy with what they do for work. All too often, our sense of self-worth impacts our literal financial worth. We think we're not deserving, so we don't get paid what we're really worth. In order to age without regrets, millennials need to learn how to negotiate their salaries.
Harvard Business School emphasized the importance of knowing your value. After you've considered the contributions you've made to your company, highlight what you'll continue bringing in the future.
When deciding how you want to start negotiations, Harvard Business School advised setting a stretch goal, which is "a result that's difficult to achieve but isn't outside the realm of possibility." You should aim for that goal while "keeping your baseline parameters in mind to limit how far you're willing to compromise... If your employer knows your value, they're more likely to take steps to avoid losing you."
You might not get the exact amount of money you wanted, but by advocating for yourself and asking for what you need, you're putting yourself first and taking steps to limit any professional regrets.
4. Fall in love with themselves
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A big part of aging without regrets means aligning your daily life with who you really are. Yet that alignment is impossible to achieve unless you let yourself love yourself. According to relationship coach Julie Spira, "Falling in love with yourself is a prerequisite to living an authentic and happy life."
"To get started, write down a list of your core values and goals," she advised. "Reading it daily will help you with your goal of staying on track and avoiding the chaos and clutter."
As millennials stand in one place, looking back on the past and into their futures, they have an amazing opportunity to rewrite the narrative they have for themselves. They get to decide how they want to live the rest of their lives, and they can make the choice to be their own greatest love story.
5. Stop expecting perfection
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As far as generational attitudes go, millennials were raised by boomer parents to believe that hard work would not only open doors, it would make them happy. Millennial women, especially, were brought up to believe their productivity was the defining feature of their worth as people, which held them back from feeling like they were enough.
According to licensed professional counselor and therapist Monica Ramunda, there's a thin line between being a high achiever and being a perfectionist. "When you're unable to accept less than perfect from yourself and you're setting unrealistic professional and personal goals, the line has been crossed," she revealed.
"Perfectionism can rob you of your happiness and ability to enjoy success," she explained. "Even your best could have been better. You struggle with seeing anything you produce as good enough and you hold yourself to unrealistic standards."
"Shifting your focus from a critical appraisal to a softer, more gentle appraisal can make a difference in how you feel about yourself and your work," she shared. "Embrace that you're constantly improving and growing."
6. Make self-care sustainable
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Along with the message that they had to be perfect, millennials learned to see self-care as a luxury. They learned that self-care was supposed to feel good in the moment, so they equated it with spending money on moisturizers and soaking in a bath of essential oils. Yet true self-care is more about the emotional work we put into ourselves than anything else.
According to energy coach Cassady Cayne, the actual end-goal of self-care is "to feel good about yourself as you move through life." She advised, "Be your own best friend, rather than a source of extra judgment, negativity, or problems. When we treat ourselves well by caring for body, mind, and soul it ultimately makes our time in life more enjoyable. We get to live life more fully."
Shifting their focus to see self-care as a sustainable practice is one of the things millennials need to do before turning 40 so they can age without regrets. They need to nourish all aspects of themselves, and they need to do so in a way that feels good to them, not because some fitness influencer told them what to do.
7. Shed their inner critic
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One thing that's crucial for millennials to do before turning 40 is changing the way they talk to themselves. They need to shed their inner critic so they can age without regrets. According to licensed psychologist Kelly Vincent, a loud inner critic "can have a heavy impact on our sense of self and self-worth."
Vincent pointed out that telling stories about who we are is part of assigning meaning to our identities, yet "some of us may notice a storyline that can be self-critical, and judgmental, and constantly makes us feel like we're doing something wrong."
"In exploring our inner critic, we have an opportunity to practice self-compassion through being curious," she explained. "Healing your inner critic can look like creating room for another voice that balances out your inner critic. This can be done through challenging self-critical thoughts."
Observe the moments when your inner critic rears its ugly head and offer yourself compassion in its place. While your inner critic might never disappear completely, you can turn down the volume.
8. Protect their peace
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Before turning 40, millennials need to see their time and energy as precious resources, not something they give away to anyone who asks. Setting boundaries is the only way to protect their peace, and it's a practice that will let them age without regrets.
According to burnout coach Lauren Baptiste, successful time management starts with determining your time boundaries. The first step to setting your time boundaries is making a list of what your daily time needs are. Ask yourself questions to figure out what you need most.
"Think about what helps you to feel good during the day... You can't be your best self when you're tired, distracted, overwhelmed," Baptiste explained. "These are the kinds of questions that will improve your time management and give you greater control over your schedule."
"When thinking about your boundaries, try to recognize that it is your personal responsibility to show up for yourself," she continued. "By showing up for yourself, you will lead your day with a greater peace of mind while better supporting the important people in your life."
9. Travel alone
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Solo travel is a great way to connect to yourself on a deeper level, which is something millennials need to do before turning 40 so they can age without regrets.
No matter where you go, there's something really magical that happens when you set off to see the world. You notice things you'd normally ignore. You learn to manage your expectations, tolerate frustrations, and absorb how beautiful life can be. Indeed, traveling makes you a healthier, happier person.
You might not have the money to take a major trip, but you can drive a couple hours to a nearby town. If you can't get away from home at all, you can carve out a couple hours to explore where you live, all on your own. Pretend you're a tourist and take yourself on a tour of everything you want to see most.
10. Embrace being vulnerable
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Millennials spent their younger years steeped in hipster culture, elevating irony to new heights and swearing off anything that might make it seem like they actually cared. They absorbed the message that looking cool was more important than letting themselves feel things deeply. Before they turn 40, millennials have to release their old patterns and embrace vulnerability, so they can age without regrets.
"If you have to hide who you really are, you can end up feeling lost, lonely, or even worthless, because you are basically telling yourself that who you really are isn't okay," well-being research consultant Tchiki Davis, PhD revealed.
"Most of us don't really want to show the parts of us that we don't like — the parts that scare us or make us feel ashamed, embarrassed, or weak," she explained. "It's scary to be so openly vulnerable. It's like opening up an old wound and telling others right where to poke you."
It's for those exact reasons that being vulnerable is so essential. When we're brave enough to share the less appealing parts of our personalities, we can connect with ourselves and the people who truly love us on a much deeper level. "To fully be ourselves we have to be our full selves," Davis concluded.
11. Appreciate who they're becoming
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More than anything else, millennials need to appreciate who they're becoming before turning 40, so they can age without regrets. They could easily stay stuck in who they once were. They could complain about how younger generations worship the 90s, without knowing what it was really like to live back then. They could just as easily fast-forward into the future and feel older than they really are.
Yet staying present is the best way to live without regrets. Millennials need to give thanks to their younger selves and get excited for the future selves they don't know yet. They can either see middle age as an endpoint, or they can see it as an entirely new beginning.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.