11 Things Gen Z Boys Were Taught Growing Up That Turned Out To Be Completely Wrong
It's no surprise that many Gen Z men feel misunderstood.
AlessandroBiascioli | CanvaPro What if not everything Gen Z boys were taught growing up turned out to be right? Our childhood experiences often directly relate to our adult realities — from building relationships to regulating our emotions and crafting daily routines and habits, the behaviors and values we picked up on as kids don’t often dissipate. Specifically for Gen Zers, who were the first generation to grow up entirely in the digital landscape, it’s not surprising that the accessibility and unique online experiences they had still affect them today.
Many of the lessons and behaviors that Gen Z boys experienced as kids were well-intended and have led to positive outcomes in their lives. However, some things they were taught didn’t quite hit the mark. By acknowledging these lessons and committing to unlearning these misguided truths, everyone can cultivate a more comfortable space for these now-adult Gen Z men to thrive.
There are 11 things Gen Z boys were taught growing up that turned out to be completely wrong:
1. Emotional vulnerability is a weakness
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Experts from Mission Harbor Behavioral Health argue that men, Gen Z boys included, were conditioned from a young age that expressing their emotions and being vulnerable was something that only “women did.” Not only were they encouraged to suppress their emotions in ways that bred other unhealthy coping mechanisms, but they also closed themselves off from cultivating meaningful and fulfilling friendships and relationships until they could unlearn and come to terms with their vulnerabilities.
Parents and teachers encourage young boys to develop deep-rooted shame and insecurity very early in life by teaching them that their innate emotional responses and reactions are bad. When this shame is never acknowledged, it lingers beneath the surface, constantly feeding into toxic relationships, bad habits, and misguided mentalities that sabotage their sense of self, safety, and comfort.
2. Critiquing traditional gender norms is personal
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While many of the things Gen Z boys were taught growing up that turned out to be utterly wrong in the context of our modern societal ideals revolve around traditionalist gender norms, a hesitancy towards phrases like “toxic masculinity,” that directly combat these expectations are part of the reason we’re seeing a regression amongst Gen Z men today.
When parents frame critiques of “toxic masculinity” or unhealthy gender norms as an attack on all men, they not only encourage young boys to overlook the helpful sides of dismantling the patriarchy — like mental health resources for men, ideas about consent, and general respect — they urge boys to adopt shame about their identities.
"There's a reason we don't use the term 'toxic masculinity' in our book," says Joanna Schroeder, co-author of the book Talk To Your Boys. "The phrase is widely misunderstood and makes it seem like all forms of masculinity are toxic or like men and boys are generally bad. Making boys feel bad about something they can't control only pushes them further away."
Of course, feminism, ideas about equality, and phrases like “toxic masculinity” that paint a picture of the downfalls of a patriarchal society aren’t intended to demonize men. In fact, they’re positioned to create a more equitable place for everyone to thrive.
3. Embracing femininity is wrong
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Many gender norms and stereotypes that Gen Z boys were taught growing up are centered around a demonized version of femininity. Not only are natural human behaviors like feeling emotions and communicating your needs deemed “feminine” and “unnatural” for boys to engage with, but subtle things like the color pink, long hair, close friendships, and even vulnerability are equally demonized.
This idea — that femininity is something to be ashamed of and avoided at all costs — is even apparent in many of the popular phrases Gen Z boys may still use to “compliment” women in their lives. Consider a phrase like “you’re not like other girls” — it directly suggests that self-expression, language, and behaviors commonly deemed “feminine” are inherently flawed and less attractive to men.
In today’s society, which has become incredibly polarized on topics of gender and sexuality, everyone must recognize that many things Gen Z boys were taught growing up were completely wrong. Just because a select few of us can acknowledge the toxic nature of these traditional lessons and misguided mindsets doesn’t mean they’ve been entirely unlearned.
4. Aggression equals passion.
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One of the things Gen Z boys were taught growing up that turned out to be completely wrong was that aggression and anger are justified under the veil of passion. Not only does this misguided truth have incredibly unsettling implications for domestic violence situations and emotional intelligence in men, but it also encourages young boys to overlook their complex emotions and cope with anger rather than getting comfortable with vulnerability.
A 2014 study from the University of South Australia found that masculine identities are often rooted in anger and aggression — even female participants of the survey with more masculine-leaning identities were angrier than those leaning towards femininity.
While it might seem contradictory, this research isn’t suggesting that men are angrier than women by nature, but rather the masculine identity young boys are encouraged to adopt is rooted in expressions of anger and aggression over softness and vulnerability.
5. Hiding pain is normal
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The “rub some dirt on it” sentiment that many young boys are met with in response to their innately human emotional expressions of sadness, fear, or anxiety is one of the things Gen Z boys were taught growing up that turned out to be completely wrong.
Not only does this kind of behavior — avoiding emotion and being honest when you’re hurt — encourage boys to enter adulthood completely oblivious to healthy coping mechanisms, but it also urges them to feel ashamed when they’re yearning for support or affection.
6. Mental health support is not essential.
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Many young Gen Z boys grew up in households that not only condemned male vulnerability and emotional expression but also viewed therapy and treatment for mental health struggles as unnecessary.
For their Gen X and boomer parents, things like therapy were for people that “had something wrong with them,” rather than a regular practice that helps everyone feel more balanced and happy. Going into adulthood, many Gen Z men have unlearned this toxic mentality, investing in therapy themselves to support their emotional well-being, but everyone needs to acknowledge that treatment doesn’t always have to be a solution to a problem — it can also be preventative care.
7. A traditional college path guarantees career success.
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Many Gen Z kids were taught that the traditional path of a college education was the only way to secure a high-paying, stable job in adulthood.
Whether it was a motivating force to do well in school or a way to contextualize gender expectations for men like providership, this traditional path no longer makes sense for many younger generations — and many Gen Zers are actively challenging it and unlearning these traditional beliefs.
8. Not to ask for help.
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According to a study from the University of Birmingham, all young men have an internal self that is emotional, sensitive, thoughtful, respectful, and fun. However, many of the utterly wrong things Gen Z boys were taught growing up sabotaged those innately human feelings, isolating them from making genuine connections, friendships, and relationships.
Another study published in the Management Science journal argues that asking for help and advice can boost others' perceptions of you, making you seem more intelligent, competent, and confident.
Especially for men, whose parents and society have taught that anything less than hyper-independence is a weakness, leaning into the collaborative nature of advice and discussion helps them internally and in a social context.
9. Hard work alone ensures success.
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While traditional paths to college and Corporate America rely on a misguided “hustle culture” to encourage people to overwork themselves, hard work is no longer the most critical indicator of someone’s success — especially for Gen Zers entering adulthood.
Hard work and perseverance are essential for landing a job, securing a spot in university, and making connections with people. Still, it’s a game of charisma, communication, and sheer luck in many cases.
For young boys, this “hustle culture” and reliance on hard work can also sabotage their personal lives, encouraging them to avoid addressing their emotional and physical needs to " grind” towards success.
10. Avoid taking responsibility and making excuses instead.
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While this may be one of the indirect things Gen Z boys were taught growing up that turned out to be completely wrong, phrases like “boys will be boys” sabotaged opportunities for young boys to learn how to take accountability and own up to their mistakes.
Especially for young boys who grew up in households where their parents made excuses for them — giving them access to take advantage of other people’s kindness and passivity — it’s much harder in adulthood to learn how to comfortably apologize and own up to mistakes.
11. Uncontrolled emotional outbursts are normal.
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One of the things Gen Z boys were taught growing up that turned out to be completely wrong was that emotional outbursts were normal and completely okay to encourage. Especially for gifted boys early in life, emotional outbursts can be a common occurrence as they cope with their complex emotions and the disillusioning mentalities parents, teachers, and societies teach them to avoid them.
However, emotional intelligence in adulthood — the ability to regulate one’s own emotions, communicate effectively with others, and cope with discomfort — doesn't just appear overnight; it’s cultivated through meaningful conversations and truths from childhood.
When young boys are taught (and sometimes modeled by their father figures) that emotional outbursts, anger, and aggression are the appropriate ways to deal with complex emotions and discomfort, they bring that same energy into their adult relationships and social interactions in ways that can spark isolation and feelings of loneliness.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
