Therapist Explains How People Who Constantly 'Set Boundaries' May Be Avoiding Their Core Relationships
If you're having to set the same boundaries over and over again, you might have different work to do.
FatCamera from Getty Images Signature / Canva Pro For many of us, being able to effectively set boundaries is one of the hardest but most important things we can learn to do.
But one therapist is warning that boundary-setting can sometimes be confused for something that is actually keeping us from growing, both personally and in our relationships.
Therapist Yolanda Renteria says setting boundaries can be a form of avoidance that holds us back.
Renteria is a licensed professional counselor whose work focuses intently on trauma, how it impacts our brains and mental health, and how to heal it and move past it — so you might say she's an expert on setting boundaries.
Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is often key to addressing trauma, after all, especially when our trauma involves other people in our lives.
But like so many therapy concepts and "therapy speak" that have exploded in popularity on social media in recent years, the concept of boundary-setting is often misunderstood.
Boundary-setting isn't just making rules for others — it's ultimately about your own behaviors and responses.
"Walking away from every situation or person that doesn't feel aligned for you might not really be a sign of having really good boundaries, but actually you might be missing out on a lot of growth," Renteria said in a recent TikTok video.
She went on to explain that this kind of approach to difficulties with people and relationships can sometimes be a means of avoiding working on ourselves.
Therapists often explain that many people think boundary-setting is simply making demands or rules about others' actions. But the most important part of setting boundaries is actually about your own behavior — how you will act and care for yourself when someone inevitably does violate them.
As an example from my own life, I have set a firm boundary with my father that his religious proselytization is not welcome. This doesn't mean I have cut my father out of my life, though. Rather, it means that I've done the work of explaining to him why this is hurtful and made clear that I'm not willing to engage in conversations where he attempts to convert me to his beliefs, and how I will respond if he does so.
We certainly don't agree on ... well, anything, frankly, but we're able to still enjoy each other's company and even have respectful, edifying conversations about our differing beliefs on occasion. We've even changed each other's minds a time or two.
Of course, this work isn't always appropriate for every situation or relationship.
"Sometimes we meet people and we decide that they're not for us," Renteria explained. "That is okay." And some people are just plain old abusive and refuse to change, and hence need to be cut off.
But there's a difference between abuse and making mistakes, of course. Nobody's perfect and everyone we care about is going to hurt us eventually, after all. Renteria said how we respond to this is where the rubber meets the road, not just for our relationships but for our own personal development.
Renteria said a pattern of constant boundary-setting can be an indicator of avoidance that's hindering your growth.
"If we never really try to understand, to listen, to communicate effectively and non-defensively, to repair [our relationships]," Renteria explained, "then what we might be doing instead of setting boundaries is really just avoiding."
And this is where we begin to lose opportunities for our own development.
"If we notice that we are in a pattern response where every time a person does something similar, we just shut down and walk away and call that boundaries, then we're not really growing," Renteria said.
She went on to explain that our own part in our relationship dynamics is the only thing we actually have any control over and it's what "can make our relationships healthier in the future" because it can be where our growth stems from.
"Not only that, though, building deep connections happens when we're able to be vulnerable with another person and repair."
Learning the difference between boundary-setting and simply avoiding this tough relational work allows us to stay open to those connections and the growth that can spring from them.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.