Therapist Explains Why 'Good Kids' Spend Their Whole Adult Lives 'Recovering' From Being 'The One Parents Never Had To Worry About'
You were always enough.
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock There are very few people who come out of childhood completely unscathed. Some types of traumas are more recognizable or present themselves more loudly than others, yet the reality is that most of us have unique mental health struggles that are often rooted in how we were raised.
The children who were labeled "the good kids" growing up are no exception.
A therapist explained why ‘good kids’ spend their adult lives ‘recovering’ from being the one ‘nobody ever needed to worry about.’
Maggie Nick, a licensed trauma therapist, described the personality type of “the good kid” as a way to give context for who that kid grows into as an adult.
She spoke directly to those former good kids, saying, “You anxiously watch everybody’s moods like a hawk, looking for any evidence that you’re in trouble or you’ve done something wrong.”
She noted that the good kids often grow up to be pushovers and that “trying to set boundaries puts your body into fight or flight.”
“You struggle with anxiety and perfectionism,” Nick continued. “You people please, and you’re terrified of making anyone mad and disappointing or letting anyone down.”
“You’re the happy one,” she said. “You make everyone feel so good about themselves, but inside, you’re mean and punishing to yourself. You beat yourself about everything.”
“You avoid boundaries and conflict at all costs because what if that person leaves you,” she said, touching on the deep abandonment wound often found in people who have an anxious attachment style.
“You bottle all your feelings,” she added. “You push your feelings down and pretend you’re fine [and] put on this brave mask.”
“You’re the helper. You’re the one who gives the support; you don’t ever ask for support, and you struggle to receive support, even when you’re really struggling.”
Good kids spend their adult lives healing from the pressures put on them in childhood.
“Being the ‘good kid’ has a profound impact,” she said. “Good kids have extensive mental health challenges and healing ahead of them in adulthood.”
She spoke from a place of personal experience, noting, “It’s truly shocking when you start realizing that so many things you thought were your personality are actually trauma responses.”
“The marvelous news is that you can heal so beautifully and so profoundly, and you deserve to,” she said. “There was never anything wrong with you and who you are, deep down inside.”
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“If this is you, I see you,” Nick said. “Same. I’m a recovering, burned-out, overachieving, people-pleasing, perfectionist, pushover, and shape-shifting chameleon.”
“I’m also a mom and a trauma therapist, and this is my area of expertise,” she continued. “I’m gonna say some things to you that you desperately needed to hear in childhood and along the way.”
“You don’t have to earn love by being good and being fine all the time and accomplishing,” she said. “You’re also not a burden. It is a privilege and an honor to take care of you when you’re struggling."
“You are not hard to love. You’re easy to love. It’s a delight and a privilege to get to love you.”
She highlighted that it's OK to struggle, that you don't need to pretend everything is perfect, and you are always fine.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she concluded, something we all need to hear, whether we were the good kid or not.
And if you are a parent, Nick's message is doubly important. There is nothing wrong with wanting to raise a good child, but there's a good reason psychologist and researcher Carl Rogers asked the question, “What happens when a parent’s love depends on how a child behaves?”
Children need to know they are loved no matter what. That's the end of the sentence. If a child feels their parents' love is predicated on the fact that they behave, they will struggle to share their true selves forever.
Nick’s ultimate message is one of hope. Healing from being a good kid might span the rest of a person’s life, but as Nick explained, finding inner peace is worth all of our time and energy.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture and all things to do with the entertainment industry.