If You Must Stay With A Partner Who's Narcissistic, Psychology Says You'll Need These 5 Superpowers
If you can't leave a narcissist, here's the skills you'll need.
pixelshot | Canva The choice to leave a narcissistic partner is, needless to say, extraordinarily delicate. One thing that helps is to watch for signs of a serious personality disorder. According to research from 2012, in cases like this, you would likely see emotional instability, disturbed patterns of thinking or perception, impulsive behavior, and intense but unstable relationships with others.
I share the conviction of Dr. Craig Malkin, who warns, "Nothing I'll suggest below is likely to help if the person you love is physically or emotionally abusive. Not all narcissists, even those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), resort to abuse. But some do — and if you're on the receiving end, your first step should be to explore what makes it hard for you to leave."
That said, if you do decide you have to stay with a narcissist because of life circumstances, or if you want to stay with one because the lifestyle is too alluring to leave, you might as well do it right. Being conscious of your partner's narcissistic ways and making a plan for how to cope will make it much easier to bear.
Here are 5 superpowers you will need if you must stay in a relationship with a narcissist:
1. The power to understand just how narcissistic your narcissist is
Everything being relative, there is no question that some narcies (pronounced narssies) are just more extreme than others. If your partner has a true personality disorder, it may not be possible to detach enough to frame a workable lifestyle.
Here is a way to evaluate your situation. On a scale of 1-10, determine how narcissistic your partner is. Anything higher than 7 is a problem.
According to Dr. Paul Bretherton, “Most importantly, a Narcissist is a human being acting in a particular way and, as emotion provoking as they can sometimes be, is not a monster.” Some narcies are worth staying with even though they demand superpowers. A solid 10 will demand that you choose your path wisely so that you stay safe and able to exit if you need to.
Key stay-with-your-narcissist tip: Many highly successful businessmen, politicians, actors, pop culture icons and medical professionals are natural narcissists. The very self-oriented focus that is so hard to live with drives them to the top of their professions. Accepting this in them is the first step in being able to stay.
2. The power to choose self-development
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Narcies tend to choose empathetic, kind, giving, and loving partners. If you are smart, talented, and a bit insecure, it is easier for them to expand their life around you. It can be fun for sure to be swept away by the attention and to see your partner get his way wherever he goes.
Dr. Athena Stalk recommends that you "Give yourself the gift of looking into, and getting help, for likely codependency tendencies." Checking out popular personal development authors is a great first step. YouTube is a good friend here. Tony Robbins, Louise Hay, and other fabulous thought leaders have videos that teach personal empowerment.
Key stay-with-your-narcissist tip: The more you love your narcie, the more you owe it to yourself to develop the skills to make this unusual partnership work. Living with a self-centered person is not for everyone. Get the tools you need to take care of yourself.
3. The power to be detached
I think this is the best superpower there is. It is hard for narcies when you detach — they crave your attention and admiration after all. The irony is that it is when you detach, you build strength and strategies for how to stay with them. You can choose how much of their behavior you allow to bug you.
Dr Tara J. Palmatier says, “Emotional detachment is the conscious choice to not allow another person to push your buttons and hurt, anger, frustrate or annoy you. The easiest way to do this is to develop indifference.” This is not an easy task at first, but once mastered can definitely work.
Key stay-with-your-narcissist-tip: A fast and reliable way to start learning this superpower is to go to an area Al-Anon or Narcissistic Support Group meeting. Even if there is no alcohol in your situation, the skills taught there about independence and codependence will equip you with real tools. Plus, they are very warm and friendly, and it feels good to be in loving company.
4. The power of self-love
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I used to say, “What was I thinking to sign up for this?” While in my latest long-term living situation with a narcie, I didn’t understand how I kept attracting the same type of person into my life.
In The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout reports, “Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often are in psychological pain and may sometimes seek psychotherapy. When a narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying issues is usually that, unbeknownst to him, he is alienating his relationships on account of his lack of empathy with others, and is feeling confused, abandoned, and lonely.”
This piece of info helped me be more compassionate to my narcie. I learned the value of self-partnering and began actively pursuing self-loving experiences. The less emotional support I needed from my narcie because I was getting it elsewhere, the more peace there was in my household.
Key stay-with-your-narcissist tip: A secret you can learn from the rich and famous is to find a cause to devote yourself to that is separate from your partner. Whether it is the Humane Society, a hospice, or homeless kids, all of them need your love and engagement. Your contribution will bring to you much of what you THINK you need from your partner — love, appreciation, connection, compliments, support, and affection. When your tank is full, you will truly thrive in your situation.
5. The power of compassion
According to Martha Stout, “The poor narcissist cannot see past his nose, emotionally speaking, and as with the Pillsbury Doughboy, any input from the outside will spring back as if nothing had happened.“
Living with a narcie who truly doesn’t see how they bring such misery on themselves with an objective eye can help make it manageable. Stout goes on to say, "True sociopathic narcissists have no trace of empathy and no genuine interest in bonding emotionally with a mate and once the surface charm is scraped off, the partnerships end up being loveless, one-sided, and almost always short-term.”
When you sense that your narcie wants an emotional connection and yet blindly shoots him or herself in the foot trying to get there, compassion for both of you is indeed a Super Power. Remember, narcissistic partners usually have difficulty loving someone else because they don’t truly love themselves.
They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really “see” their partner as a separate person. As you develop your self-compassion, you will reap the reward of this skill.
Key stay-with-your-narcissist tip: Here are three magic words that will turn you into a compassionate superstar — “Just Like Me.” Yep, it's that simple. Write down a list of all the ways you want to be treated by your partner. For example, In my partnership I want to feel loved, respected, honored, supported, connected, heard, cared about, listened to, adored, pleasured, etc, etc. Next, go through this list and repeat these thoughts every day for a week in this fashion: “Just like me, my partner wants to feel _________."
Simply affirming what you want — and recognizing your partner wants the same — you will ignite a new spirit of connection with your narcie.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Catherine Behan is a highly educated dating coach, freelance writer, and editor. She currently works as a Law of Attraction and Success Coach, where she leverages her expertise in EFT to help people attract abundance into their lives.