10 Subtle Traits Of A Truly Problematic Person, According To Psychology
Not everyone has your best interests in mind.
stockfour | Shutterstock While the toxic people in our lives are generally misguidedly coping from unresolved trauma or bad relationships of their own, according to mental health counselor Stephanie A. Sarkis, their ability to sabotage other people's emotional well-being, boundaries, and general health in the name of "healing" is inherently problematic.
Despite the tendency for harmful behaviors to typically erupt in an attention-demanding kind of way, there are other subtle traits of a truly problematic person, according to psychology, whether they're disrespecting you in an intimate relationship, degrading you in a professional one, or overstepping your boundaries as a platonic friend.
Here are 10 subtle traits of a truly problematic person, according to psychology
1. They lie about little things
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While "little white lies" aren't always inherently bad, a person's reliance on constant dishonesty or deceit is problematic, to say the least. Especially if they're using small lies to avoid conflict, impress others, or paint a misguided picture of themselves, this tendency can spark a lot of mistrust and disconnect in their relationships.
According to the Chief Clinical Officer at FHE Health, Dr. Beau Nelson, problematic people who have the tendency to lie about small things often, are usually battling their own low self-esteem and insecurities. As a defense mechanism to prevent criticism and embarrassment, they lie to make themselves feel better and to protect themselves from being degraded in their authentic identities.
2. They talk over others in conversations
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Problematic people don't just disrespect other people by crossing their boundaries or spewing hurtful comments in a direct manner, they also might subtly dismiss them in conversation. By taking away their space to feel heard and understood by others and instead talking over them, they subtly disrespect them, even in a passing conversation.
Especially if this tendency to interrupt becomes a standard practice in a relationship, a problematic person's subtle behaviors can erupt in profound ways in their connection. According to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when a partner or friend doesn't feel heard by another person, their relationship can quickly erode. Resentment bubbles, sabotaging more than just a couple's conversations, leading to an inevitable confrontation that a problematic person already inherently struggles to navigate healthily.
3. They gaslight people
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Women's empowerment coach Cindy Watson suggests that problematic people who struggle to express their vulnerability by expressing emotions and empathizing with others generally try to avoid conflict and intense conversations. Even open communication in a relationship feels threatening to their lacking emotional intelligence, so they resort to gaslighting to shrug off other people's concerns and emotional needs.
Unable to validate their own intense emotions and cope healthily with internal conflict, a problematic person's toxic behaviors in a relationship almost always stems from their insecurity, not the other partner's demeanor or needs.
4. They're overly dramatic
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According to psychotherapist and relationship counselor Richard Loebl, dramatic people tend to relay extroverted and emotional responses to people as a result of their lacking emotional regulation skills. With nowhere to cope and experience emotions before expressing them, they often seem "overly dramatic" trying to seek validation for their emotions and responses.
While this dramatic trait doesn't necessarily spark relationship distress or toxicity, it can clash with another partner's emotional intelligence or subtle emotional expressions, causing resentment or frustration.
5. They drain energy from other people
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Some people are less energetically compatible, making relationships inherently different to navigate; however, problematic people can also subtly sabotage other people's energy with targeted tactics. By dismissing your emotions, cultivating a manipulative environment, or continuously controlling or crossing your boundaries, a problematic person can drain your energy and sabotage your confidence and self-esteem.
The worst part about these emotional vampires is that you often don't realize they're toxic right away, as symptoms like fatigue or exhaustion are so common in our busy and chaotic lives.
6. They're unreliable or inconsistent
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Emotional insecurity and immaturity aren't the only subtle traits of a truly problematic person, according to psychology; they also tend to struggle with keeping promises and commitments with the people in their lives. Inherently self-serving and self-involved, they're less concerned with appeasing other people — whether it's showing up on time or canceling at the last minute — and more vigilant about their own self-interests and motivations.
According to psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, it's not just problematic people that have been negatively affected by unmet needs or childhood trauma, it's also the partners that "choose" to remain in their lives. When we allow people to waste our time or dismiss our concerns, we're setting a standard for toxic behavior in our relationships.
7. They avoid taking accountability
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According to psychologist Dr. Thomas Plante, the presence of problematic people with narcissistic tendencies has become much more common in recent years, meaning more people are mistakenly victimizing themselves, avoiding responsibility, and shifting blame in their relationships. This prevalence of toxic relationships is not just asserting a sense of misguided control in problematic people's lives, it's subtly sabotaging their partner's well-being, even after they've left the relationship.
When their partners are constantly made out to be the perpetrator, in the face of a problematic person's hurtful comments or misbehavior, they can't help but second-guess their own healthiness in a relationship. It's not only manipulative to shift blame and fail to take accountability, it's degrading and narcissistic.
8. They're condescending
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According to psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, people who use condescending language typically talk down to other people to assert their own dominance over a relationship or conversation. They disrespect other people, not just to misguidedly build their own self-esteem, but to gain control.
They thrive on making other people feel less, so they have more space to manipulate them, cross their boundaries, and gaslight them into taking misguided accountability for their mistakes.
9. They're overly critical
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Many problematic and sometimes narcissistic people feel a sense of entitlement over other people and their relationships, simply because of who they are. When they're not supported or helped, they take it as a personal attack, and often weaponize their offense to shift blame and guilt onto others. They expect everyone else to serve them, even if they're not planning to return the favor or express any gratitude.
According to Modern Psychiatry and Wellness, this tendency to be overly critical of other people is oftentimes a sign of their own insecurity and flaws than others. Instead of addressing their own internal turmoil, they shift those uncomfortable feelings to other people to both assert their superiority and self-soothe.
10. They can't keep secrets
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If there's an opportunity for a problematic person to make themselves look better, even at the expense of another person's well-being, they're often going to take an opportunity to assert their superiority. While it varies from person to person, this desire can manifest as an inability to keep secrets, a tendency towards gossip, or a general condescending attitude towards others in conversion.
It's this subtle hurtful behavior that can be difficult to pick up, especially in conjunction with other manipulative and gaslighting behaviors that can urge a victim to second-guess their own emotional well-being and worthiness.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.