11 Subtle Signs Of A Woman Who Has Been Through A Lot In Life, According To Research
It's often the strongest people who have been through the most.
microcosmos | Shutterstock Everyone has dealt with an uncomfortable or even traumatizing situation at some point in their lives, but the way each of us handles and heals from those experiences looks very different. Based on our coping mechanisms, relationships, and communication styles, our trauma can affect us for years to come, even if we're committed to healing in healthy ways.
While acknowledging, experiencing, and overcoming past trauma can look different for every person, there are certain subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life, according to research. Despite being primarily focused on men, there are still researchers that investigate women's responses to experiences like PTSD, childhood trauma, and toxic relationships, including how they continue to affect a person's lived reality as they move forward and heal.
Here are 11 subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life, according to research
1. She has disproportionate reactions
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According to psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, many people who tend to "overreact" to small things, whilst remaining calm during highly stressful or emotional situations, have specific triggers from their past that can spark feelings of intense fear, anxiety, or stress in unsuspecting moments.
Whether it's childhood trauma and unmet needs or a situational trigger, this unexpected stress can urge our bodies to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms or emotional responses to cope. As one of the subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life, these disproportionate reactions can be disillusioning, especially for someone who hasn't been able to fully cope with or heal from their trauma.
2. She seems more mature
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Whether it's navigating an incredibly stressful conflict or keeping their commitments with friends, one of the subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life is their perceived maturity level.
While it's common for a child's unmet needs and unhealthy parents growing up to encourage them to grow up faster, it's not truly their maturity level that grows, but their perceived "parentification," taking on tasks and responsibilities that should have been handled by their guardians.
According to licensed professional counselor Jessica MacNair, "children dealing with trauma have to learn to escape a threat." While their flexibility and resourcefulness as kids often transforms into a hyper-independent mentality, it's often "mistaken for maturity when it's not related to maturity at all."
In adulthood, a woman who has been through a lot may still have a hyper-independent personality urging her to isolate herself from vulnerability or steer clear of mutually committed relationships.
While they may be more comfortable navigating stressful situations that would otherwise be overwhelming for the average person, they're not necessarily more mature — just comfortable with the defensive practice of setting their own needs aside to resolve conflict or keep the peace.
3. She's hesitant to ask for and accept help
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Experts from Grouport Therapy argue that many trauma survivors and women who have been through a lot adopt self-sufficient mentalities to protect themselves from having to rely on other people to meet their needs.
Whether it was an ex-partner from their past or a parent that failed to meet their needs or show up for them, they're no longer willing to simply trust without restraint. Instead, they take on those responsibilities of care, support, and responsibility themselves to avoid being let down or abandoned.
Despite research, like a study from Psychological Science, that suggests people are happier and more connected when they ask for, receive, and provide help to others, people coping with trauma often feel more comfortable with the control hyper-independence breeds. They don't have to worry about someone else falling short, because they're "all they need."
4. She doesn't trust others easily
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Mental health coach Darius Cikanavicius argues that many people with childhood trauma or parents who didn't show up to love, comfort, care for, or protect them struggle with trust issues in adulthood. Additional research, including a 1996 study, support this claim.
From a young age, these people were taught that "nobody was coming to save them," and that even the people closest to them could sabotage their health, wellbeing, and happiness.
Feeding into their hyper-independent mentality, these trust issues often sabotage healthy relationships in adulthood for women who have been through a lot in life, further isolating them into loneliness and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
5. She's always prepared for the worst
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Psychotherapist Sharon Martin suggests that "catastrophizing" or always expecting the worst is a symptom of past trauma and mental illnesses like anxiety, urging people to live in a state of constant "fight-or-flight" mode.
While it might seem unsuspecting that someone in your life is always prepared, it could also be one of the subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life.
If they never felt supported or protected by the people closest to them growing up, it urges them to take on that responsibility to a higher degree in adulthood, even at the expense of their emotional stability and relaxation.
6. She's incredibly empathetic and understanding
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Oftentimes, the most empathetic and understanding people are the same ones that needed that same care at some point in their lives, but never received it.
They know what it's like to feel unheard and unvalued, whether it was growing up at home or navigating life feeling lonely, so they're willing to spend the time and effort it takes to help other people feel more supported.
By leading with compassion and following with kindness, like experts from Harvard Health explain, people struggling or coping with trauma spark happier and more positive emotions, both in themselves and others.
While it may be one of the unsuspecting subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life, it's often one of the most beneficial — helping people to relearn how to build better relationships and show up for others, even if they once weren't prioritized in the same way.
7. She's occasionally loyal to a fault
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Considering they struggle with feeling like others will remain loyal to them in their lives and relationships, many people struggling with past trauma are loyal to a fault. In relationships that they do choose to make time for and prioritize, they not only show up and support others, but occasionally put up with toxic behavior and disrespect to remain "loyal."
While their past trauma was surely disorienting, toxic, and uncomfortable, many people have an unsettling tendency to seek out similarly toxic experiences and relationships later in life, according to a 1989 study on trauma.
Whether it's tolerating similarly unhealthy behaviors in their romantic partners or resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms like people-pleasing in their relationships, being loyal to a fault — despite the circumstances — is one of the subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life.
8. She's sensitive to shifts in body language and energy
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According to experts from the Bay Area CBT Center, one of the most common, yet equally underdiscussed, trauma responses is "fawning," where someone actively works to please and safeguard a toxic person's feelings to avoid outbursts or discomfort.
Rather than isolating themselves or even fighting against toxic behavior, they do everything in their power to keep the peace, sometimes at the expense of their own well-being.
While this innately people-pleasing behavior can take many different forms, it often manifests itself as one of the subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life, urging them to be hyper-aware of other people's energy, emotions, and body language.
Even in conversations with strangers or passive discussions at work, they're subconsciously clocking other people's tone of voice and body language, in ways that can feel innately intuitive to others.
So, yes, women who have been through a lot may be better at "reading people" than others, but oftentimes it's a trauma response to being constantly on edge growing up or in a toxic relationship.
9. She finds joy in the little things
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After experiencing something traumatic or deep hardship in their life, many women hyperfocus on finding joy in the little things. Not only do they appreciate small things like their partner showing up for them or a friend reminding them over text that they're thinking of them, it's often fundamental to their ability to trust and feel comfortable.
While there are certainly rough days for anyone who's grieving or dealing with their trauma, these small moments can be a reminder of hope to move forward and heal, despite the circumstances they arise within.
10. She's not interested in making new friends or being incredibly social
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One of the subtle signs of a woman who has been through a lot in life is her tendency to isolate to where she feels most comfortable — sitting alone at home, hanging out with close and trusted friends, or even overworking herself in a professional setting.
When she's battling stress or emotional turmoil, it's clear where that safe space lies, and she's much less likely to seek new social connections and interactions to recharge or relax.
While completely isolating from new social interactions isn't healthy in the long-term, many people working on healing from trauma rely on their "safe relationships" with friends or partners to gain support and comfort, according to experts from Mindview Psychology.
They may have a few very close friends that they've learned to trust, but outside of that inner circle, they're not interested in cultivating new connections.
11. She may adopt different personalities around different people
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To protect themselves from getting hurt or to feel more comfortable keeping the peace in certain situations, many people dealing with trauma adopt different personas and personalities. Like experts from McLean Hospital suggest, this behavior can also be a way for a person coping with trauma to dissociate from uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions and feelings.
In adulthood and later in life, even after a person has acknowledged their trauma, it can be difficult to unlearn these defense mechanisms in their relationships and social interactions.
While it's not often an intentionally malicious behavior, this personality switching sometimes sabotages close relationships and trust, as people feel disoriented by mood swings or changes in behavior.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.