11 Subtle Signs Of A Man Who Has Been Through A Lot In Life, According To Research
Supporting someone you love starts with recognizing that they're struggling.
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock.com While childhood trauma, toxic relationships, and grief tend to affect everyone at some point in their life, regardless of gender, age, or tax bracket, the communities and identities people identify with do influence the way symptoms of trauma manifest later in life. Whether it’s in their later relationships, coping mechanisms, or habits and routines, the symptoms of trauma make themselves known — sometimes in subtle, unsuspecting ways, like using a phrase in conversation or coping with discomfort at work.
According to a study published in the Current Medical Research and Opinion journal, gender does play a role in how trauma symptoms manifest, especially in our current world, which is plagued by the consequences of traditional gender norms, biases, and stereotypes that’ve been rooted in young men since childhood. By recognizing these signs — like a man’s quickness to irritability or a reliance on unhealthy vices, as the study suggests — we can better show up for the men in our lives, crafting safe spaces to unlearn their toxic coping mechanisms and find comfort in healing.
Here are 11 subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life, according to research:
1. They don’t know how to react to compliments
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Especially for people who’ve adopted insecurities or low self-worth in response to trauma or toxic relationships, accepting compliments and praise can be disillusioning and uncomfortable. Imagine holding a strong belief — for example, something simple like “dogs are better than cats” — that you’ve spent your whole life reinforcing with language and even behaviors like owning a dog, just for someone to tell you that you’re wrong.
While it’s a much more complex idea in the case of compliments, people with low self-worth feel equally offended and confused subconsciously when someone gives them praise. Not only does it actively oppose the inner critic they’re always hearing, but it also directly opposes the behaviors — like seeking out toxic relationships or avoiding self-care — that they’ve been conditioned to prioritize.
Considering that men are much less likely to receive compliments than women, taking away opportunities for them to practice overcoming this discomfort, it’s not entirely surprising that, according to research, this frustration in the face of praise is one of the subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life.
2. They have a dark sense of humor
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According to a study published in the Journal of Loss and Trauma, many people cope with traumatic experiences and grief with self-deprecating humor. While it’s occasionally uncomfortable for other people or even bonding for people with shared trauma, the ability to make light of dark subjects, situations, or even personal struggles is one of the common signs of a man who has been through a lot in life, according to research.
Of course, it’s also important to recognize the kinds of humor that manifest as coping mechanisms and how they affect a person’s emotional well-being. Another Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study argues that maladaptive humor—self-defeating or aggressive—can lead to worse psychological outcomes. In contrast, adaptive and “enhancing” humor can help people cope.
While these humor styles can be subtle, encouraging people to lean into humor that makes them feel better—not just for an instant, as a form of escapism, but in the long term—rather than self-defeating styles can be beneficial not just for their emotional well-being and healing journey but also for their relationships and connections with others.
3. They’re calm in stressful situations
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According to trauma psychotherapist Amanda Ann Gregory, many people who’ve experienced trauma live in a state of “hyperarousal” where they’re always ready to combat danger and fend off fears, even decades after they learned to adopt this mindset. This constant “fight-or-flight” state can be emotionally taxing and consequential in many ways. Still, it also aids trauma survivors in maintaining a calm and composed demeanor in high-stress situations.
Whether they’re navigating a stressful conflict at work or reacting to bad news at home, this reaction is often subtle—and even commendable by others in their lives—and especially common for men who feel outside pressures to be “the protector” in their relationships.
4. They struggle with commitment
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Especially for men that’ve experienced childhood trauma or an overbearing relationship, commitment can be overwhelming and scary — feeling similar to the loss of power or control that they’d grappled with as kids at the hands of a toxic parent or impossibly scary situation.
This fear of commitment, both with committed friendships and intimate partners, can also stem from a fear of rejection, according to psychologist Diana Kirschner, where these men prefer not to put themselves in a situation to be abandoned or betrayed.
Considering men also tend to be less equipped to self-soothe and regulate their emotions compared to women in relationships, it’s not uncommon for them to associate even the healthy parts of relationships — like a productive argument — with a reason to isolate themselves and become avoidant, at the expense of a healthy connection.
5. They never ask for advice
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Coupled with the consequences of stereotypes about weakness for men in today’s society, one of the subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life, according to research, is their inability to ask for advice or help from others.
Viewing assistance as an admission of weakness or defeat, they prefer to suffer in silence to avoid having to ask for help — further isolating them from making healthy connections and building important social bonds.
6. They over-analyze subtle behaviors
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In their relationships and conversations, one of the subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life, according to research, is their tendency to read deeply into casual behaviors or phrases. For example, a passing phrase in a conversation with their partner might spiral them into an emotional outburst — causing more conflict and confusion than either can address directly.
According to a study from the Psychological Trauma journal, people coping with trauma, specifically those with PTSD, tend to be quicker to anger, irritability, and aggression than others. Rather than resorting to honest communication or even withdrawal to cope with their anxiety or discomfort, men who’ve been through a lot in life occasionally rely on their anger to cope with fear.
Depending on their specific trauma or past toxic relationships, this could be a behavior they’ve practiced for decades — relying on anger to avoid verbalizing or coming to terms with their vulnerability. It often takes a lot of time and energy to unlearn this behavior and craft a safer space for men to discuss their emotions openly. Still, by seeking professional help or working with a trusted partner to practice vulnerability, coping more healthily is possible.
7. They’re impulsive
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A study from the Journal of Anxiety Disorders suggests that men who’ve experienced trauma in their lives tend to be more impulsive as a result of their lack of emotional regulation skills and anxieties. Coupled with stereotypes about vulnerability for men, it’s not entirely surprising that this quick response in the face of fear is one of the subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life, according to research.
While this impulsivity can take root in a host of toxic behaviors, from overspending, to resorting to anger in arguments, and self-isolating in the face of discomfort, it’s also one of the reasons men are more likely to rely on substances and unhealthy vices to cope with trauma and emotional distress later in life.
8. They don’t like talking about their past
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Considering many men — who’ve both experienced trauma and have not — tend to have less emotional regulation skills than women, according to a study from the Group Processes & Intergroup Relations journal, as a result of their environment growing up and navigating the world, it’s not surprising that male trauma survivors are less willing to talk about their pasts and unpack their trauma, even with close relationships and partners.
With avoidant attachment styles and impulsive behaviors, they often suppress the discomfort that arises in response or association with their trauma, whether it’s being urged to commit to a stable partner or taking part in a vulnerable conversation, making it difficult for them to talk about their past comfortably without self-isolating.
9. They have a poor sleep schedule
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While it may seem unsuspecting to other people, one of the subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life, according to research, is a poor sleep schedule. According to the Biopsychosocial Science and Medicine journal, many adverse physical health symptoms of childhood trauma can specifically impact habits like sleep and concentration.
Occasionally, the rumination trauma survivors battle can cause insomnia or poor sleep quality. Still, the physical hyperarousal many men adopt early in life is a common predictor for their bad sleep habits and inconsistent routines.
10. They’re prone to self-diagnosing themselves and others
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Whether it’s assigning the label of a “toxic partner” in their relationships, blame-shifting and avoiding accountability, or self-diagnosing themselves with a mental illness, many men who’ve experienced trauma early in life seek control to feel more comfortable.
Mental health professional Jamie Cannon argues that it’s not uncommon for people who’ve had their needs overlooked or their autonomy stripped from them to seek control later in life, even in subtle and unsuspecting ways, like trying to explain a physical symptom of illness with a rigid diagnosis.
While this overbearing and controlling behavior can quickly sabotage their relationships and connections with others, it’s often a coping mechanism that these men rely on to seek comfort and stability in their lives.
11. They’re always defensive
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According to research, one of the subtle signs of a man who has been through a lot in life is their tendency to resort to defensiveness when they feels misunderstood or fearful. According to psychologist Seth J. Gillihan, this behavior can often manifest itself in toxic relationship dynamics, where one partner’s low self-esteem and insecurity urge them to feel offended by casual remarks or behaviors.
To gain the control they yearn for, they may also blame-shift or adopt a victim mentality to avoid confronting their uncomfortable emotions and taking accountability.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.