6 Unique Struggles Of People Who Were The 'Favorite Child' In Their Families
Favorite children and teacher's pets are punished by perfection for the rest of their lives.
Anthony Tran | Unsplash Babies cannot be “well-behaved”, they're just babies. Other than sleeping well, babies are rarely judged. Once they become toddlers and youngsters, however, they begin to sense how to please their parents to receive more attention. The children who fill the role of the "favorite" child in their families may seem to have it all, but often they have unique struggles later on.
Most older children instinctively want to be “good” to encourage more care and support from their parents, but many adults still hate their mothers and fathers and spend a lifetime in therapy to recuperate from failed attempts to be the perfect child and favorite sibling.
Favorite children and teachers’ pets are punished for the rest of their lives once parenting and schooling are completed because as “People Pleasers”, they don’t know who they are, and being raised like trained seals, they are habitually doing tricks on demand for an audience that expands to include employers, coworkers, intimate partners and tragically, their children.
Six struggles people who were the favorite child in their families may face as adults
1. They pay the cost of a carrot-and-stick mentality
Kohn’s book states, “The most notable aspect of a positive judgment is not that it is positive but that it is a judgment.” While the easiest way to become the favorite child is to do what parents want, the cost is best described by countless adults who did what they describe as “selling their souls for a parent’s smile”. As adults, they will please their partners even when some of the behaviors cause emotional and even physical suffering.
- Resentment of Authority often Leads to Addiction: It’s no coincidence that the adult children of punitive parents often suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction etc, as explored in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors
- Inability to be self-motivated: After a life of pleasing others, enslaved by positive and negative judgments how can they know what is the right behavior for them?
- Blind obedience to leaders: Punitive educational systems lead to punitive parents and authoritarian government leadership while respect for individuality has been proven to create self-respect, respect for others, and democracy.
2. They don't know how to self-soothe or truly forgive others
The reason everyone must forgive is to avoid living in anger that can fester and become an illness. My mother often reminded me that as an only child, I was so lucky which said everything about her resentment of competition with her siblings.
- Learning to self-soothe with brain-breathing: This tool has helped thousands of people regain their inner peace after decades of living in fear, anger, and grief. Using a technique I developed based on neuroscience and yogic breathing.
- Reframe what happened: By letting go of the belief their parents did it to them or they are victims. While children are victims when they are too young to defend themselves or safely leave home,
3. They struggle to come to terms with things that hurt
Learning The 4 Questions of Inquiry, using Byron Katie’s questions with a different focus allows them to put the past in the past where it belongs, have emotional freedom, and acquire the ability to create their future.
Think of a situation about parents or teachers that triggers painful thoughts. Simplify this “Story” into a few words:
- My parents should have loved me unconditionally
- My parents shouldn’t have made me be like them
- No one loves me for myself
Then, ask the four questions:
- Is it true? Yes/No/Maybe and limit your answer to 1 word
- What evidence do you have that it’s true? Think of yourself testifying in court. What facts do you possess and remember that feelings are not facts?
- How do you feel when you have that thought? Use 3 feeling words for this answer. You may feel frightened, angry, sad, or some version of these, the three key negative feelings that we have.
- How would you feel without that thought? Use only 3 feeling words, such as relieved, hopeful, and peaceful.
TURNAROUND: Transforming your story into a more peaceful, true, and powerful one is the key to reclaiming your life.
You can add a “not”, “isn’t”, “doesn’t” or other “negative” word to your original story.
Example: “My parents were wrong to control me with rewards” to “My parents learned to control me with rewards from their parents”.
Switch the subject of the sentence with the object of the sentence.
Example: “My parents didn’t love me unless I behaved, I didn’t love my parents when I was forced to behave.
4. They have to teach themselves who they are
Firman Gallery via Shutterstock
In order find ways to move on and reclaim their true natures, they need to learn how to know themselves.
Once they unhook themselves from the naturally resentful and painful stories about their childhood they need to do their inner work to discover their true self. Meditation is a marvelous habit to quiet the mind where programmed behaviors live.
Just as college students begin with a varied curriculum, adults who want to de-program themselves can find groups that seem interesting to them so they can discover what is real and truly of value to them.
5. They repeat the judgment of their parents
Many partnered people who have been raised by judgmental parents automatically try to do the same to their partners. However, when they force their parents to obey by making similar demands to what they recall from their parents,
- Their partner may smile for a while and behave.
- But eventually, anger begins, and the pushback can be very dangerous. Because trying to control an adult partner is very different from what parents did when they were small children.
- Husbands who were controlled by their fathers or mothers often end up with domestic violence arrests and they often feel shocked because they are only repeating what their parents did to them.
6. They don't know where to start healing because hurt feels like failure
A client who was the favorite child and expected to be perfect had been tormented by both parents and an uncle who had ruined her sleep since she was a child. After guidance to do these exercises during a session, she slept for the first time without torturous thoughts and emotions. She also had color in her cheeks which she never had before. While this tragic experience is a rarity, it proves when people commit themselves to healing and living authentic lives, they can find the guidance and tools they need to heal.
Shifting the entire conversation from what parents might have done differently frees us from confusion and suffering. Turning the page on the past, once we have understood it, allows us to evolve and become the "humane beings" we longed to have as a parent.
Until we let go of the past we cannot create our future. Once we have healed so the triggers of competing for our parent's love and our teacher's respect are gone, we become free. The remarkable work created by Marlo Thomas Free to Be You and Me in 1972 was deemed "culturally, historically significant" and remains so because unconditional love is a human requirement to thrive and we must begin by giving it to ourselves, then to our children and then to one another.
Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Heartspace® trainings offer proven tools to experience joy and happiness and let go of suffering. She has been named Calipost’s 10 Most Influential Life Coaches in California Transforming Lives and Vogue Daily’s Most Successful Coaches Pioneering Growth and Empowerment.