How To Stop Obsessing Over Past Betrayals & Traumas — Without Repressing Them
How to leave the past in the past in the healthiest way possible.
Kindel Media | Pexels We’ve all had our hearts broken at some point in life — usually followed by a whole host of "coulda, shoulda, woulda" tapes playing on repeat in our minds. While reflecting on past heartbreaks and betrayals is natural, it’s when these memories become overly consuming that they hinder us from moving forward. This rumination often gets worse as we try to stop thinking these thoughts.
Learning how to process painful memories healthily allows us to learn, heal, and cultivate resilience. Keep reading to explore effective strategies for letting go of past hurts without repressing or denying the emotions they conjure up.
Here's how to stop obsessing over past betrayals & traumas — without repressing them
1. Acknowledge and validate your feelings
The first step in moving beyond heartbreak is acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment are natural responses to betrayal, as evidenced by a study in the Behaviour Research and Therapy Journal.
Acknowledging these negative emotions is all part of healthy emotional processing.
Tip: Write down what you’re feeling and why. This helps externalize the pain rather than letting it fester internally.
2. Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques
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Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for focusing on the present instead of ruminating on the past. By anchoring yourself in the present, you can reduce the intensity of memories that feel overwhelming and reduce the ongoing distress after a betrayal.
Exercise: Engage in grounding techniques like deep breathing or sensory exercises (e.g., naming five things you can see and four you can touch) whenever painful memories arise.
3. Reframe the narrative
Research in the Journal of Theory Construction & Testing supports how cognitive reframing allows you to view past heartbreak from a new perspective, turning painful experiences into lessons or growth opportunities. This doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior but rather extracting personal growth and taking your power back from the pain while diminishing the impact of negative memories.
Practice: Identify any positive outcomes or strengths gained from the experience, such as increased resilience, self-awareness, or the ability to set healthier boundaries.
4. Engage in self-compassion practices
Being kind to yourself as you navigate these emotions helps counter feelings of self-blame and shame. Self-compassion supports emotional resilience and a healthier recovery from emotional trauma, as well as improved emotional regulation, as suggested by a study in the Current Psychiatry Journal.
Exercise: Imagine speaking to yourself as you would a dear friend going through a similar painful experience. What would you say to comfort and support them?
5. Limit triggers and set boundaries
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Protecting yourself from unnecessary reminders can prevent you from re-opening emotional wounds. Setting boundaries with people, places, or even social media can provide the space needed to heal.
Tip: Unfollow or mute accounts that may remind you of past situations or relationships to trigger painful memories.
6. Channel emotions through creative outlets
According to a study in the Arts in Psychotherapy Journal, expressing your emotions creatively can be a therapeutic way to release lingering pain. Journaling, painting, music, or other creative pursuits can be powerful methods to process and understand your emotions, as well as enhance your emotional processing and alleviate stress.
Tip: Try writing a letter to the person who hurt you (without sending it) or create art to represent your journey toward healing.
7. Consider professional support
If memories of betrayal and heartbreak feel too overwhelming to process alone, working with a mental health professional can provide structured support. Techniques like hypnotherapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy can address underlying emotional blocks.
Suggestion: Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness but a step toward resilience and empowerment.
While moving past betrayal and heartbreak takes time, practicing these steps consistently can foster healing and create mental clarity.
Michele Molitor, CPCC, CHt, is a certified coach, hypnotherapist, and co-author of the book I Am Perfectly Flawsome - How Embracing Imperfection Makes Us Better. She coaches high-achieving professionals in reducing their overwhelm and reclaiming their self-confidence, calm, and clarity to create a thriving life and career.