Stay-At-Home Mom Questions If She Should Stop Doing Her 'Job' After Her Husband Refuses To Give Her Access To Their Savings Account
"I put myself in a financially vulnerable position for this family and he used me."
Violator22 | Shutterstock Many experts warn stay-at-home moms not to be entirely dependent on their husbands. No matter how much you love your parent, there is always a risk involved when you do not have money of your own.
One mom on Reddit is grappling with this reality. She cooks, cleans, and cares for their four kids, but has no access to their household finances. "It feels so demeaning to basically have to ask for access to 'our' money if and when I need it," she admitted, wondering if she should take a stand and quit her "job."
She questioned if she should stop doing her 'job' after her husband refused to give her access to their savings account.
"I am and always have been a stay-at-home mom to our four kids," the woman explained. "[My husband] works full time and makes a good salary so we are still comfortable. I have not worked [because] childcare where we are is so expensive it would cost more than I would make to send them to daycare."
Natalia Lebedinskaia | Shutterstock
"Despite not receiving a paycheck, I believe I provide necessary services for our family [that] my husband would otherwise be paying even more to someone else," she continued. "I also cook, clean, and do everything in the house."
Yet she has no access to their checking account where his salary is deposited or their savings account, a fact she admitted makes her feel very uncomfortable. Still, she tried to trust him and never asked for this situation to change.
Many Americans are financially dependent on their partners.
Although experts warn against it, the Redditor is far from alone in her experience. Data from YouGov found that over one-third of partnered women say that they are entirely or somewhat financially dependent on their partner. For partnered men, that number drops to 24%.
The consequences of being financially dependent in a relationship are quite prominent, especially for women. They're most likely to stay in an abusive relationship if the person they're with is financially covering their expenses and the roof over their heads, for example.
It is far more difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship when you have no access to finances, no income of your own, and no work experience outside of the home.
The Redditor later found out that her husband was using the money in their savings account without her knowledge.
"I found out he had used almost all of our savings on a lawsuit I was aware of but was not allowed input into. I asked him to stop using our family savings," she recalled. "He simply said he said no and because I had no access to the accounts there was literally nothing I could do to stop him. I felt incredibly betrayed and was very angry."
Kmpzzz | Shutterstock
During a later conversation, he admitted to her that he was considering refinancing their family home because the rates were good. She immediately disagreed, admitting that she was uncomfortable with the "lack of financial equity and transparency." Still, she shared two conditions if he wanted to do so.
"His paycheck needed to be deposited in our joint bank account and the savings needed to be in both our names," she wrote. While he initially agreed, it later became clear that her husband had no real intention of complying.
His money has only ever been "his," and while he offered to give his wife an allowance, she pointed out that it still feels demeaning. Then he dropped another bomb.
He told me "he probably intends to divorce me soon," she recounted. "I am beyond devastated. I put myself in a financially vulnerable position for this family, and he used me and will now discard me while he keeps his regular job and seniority that I gave up for the good of our family."
She then asked fellow Redditors if she would be in the wrong if she stopped doing her "job" as a stay-at-home parent.
Financial abuse is both real and damaging.
"This is financial abuse," one commenter pointed out. "He is making sure you depend on him and that you can never leave. Going on a strike is a very mild reaction."
Counselor and YourTango contributor Nicola Beer shared a few signs of financial abuse in a marriage, the first being "Controlling your access to funds and making you account for every penny." That certainly relates to this Redditor's situation, as does "Making large, important financial decisions without discussing or agreeing on them."
Beer recommended that those who find themselves in a financially abusive relationship communicate and come to decisions collaboratively. "Finances should be a partnership; no one person should have the final say-so without their spouse's input," she wrote.
But if one partner is unwilling to do so, it might be time to end the relationship — a conclusion the Redditor came to. She shared in an update that she has since left her husband and contacted a lawyer.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.