Stanford Expert Reveals The Number One Phrase People Who Are Good At Small Talk Always Use
By taking this one phrase into account, small talk won't have to seem so daunting and wasteful.
Josep Suria | Shutterstock If there's one thing that can divide people's opinions, it's small talk. Many individuals can't stand engaging in small talk and find it unnecessary, while others insist that it's vital to get to know new people, especially in new environments.
Wherever you fall on the pendulum when it comes to small talk, the reality is that it's nearly impossible to avoid. But if you know the right way to go about it, it might seem far less daunting and scary.
A Stanford expert revealed the number one phrase people who are good at small talk always use.
In an article published by CNBC Make It, Matt Abrahams, a lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, explained that while small talk may seem trivial, it can often encourage the best results. By allowing others to discover unexpected shared interests and values, we can work towards forming better connections with people who we might not have thought could be a part of our lives.
According to a survey conducted by Introvert in Business, 74% of introverts don't like small talk, but 23% of extroverts also don't enjoy it. Similarly, a 2022 Preply survey found that 71% of Americans prefer silence to small talk and that sports and current events are the topics they dread most.
'Tell me more' is the one thing that people who are good at small talk always say.
Abrahams recalled being inspired by his mother-in-law's communication skills, particularly one of her favorite phrases.
"'Tell me more' is a support response; it supports what the other person is saying. The opposite is a 'shift' response,' which is a statement that shifts the conversation back to you," Abrahams wrote. "If your friend complains about their annoying upstairs neighbor, you might say, 'Yeah, you wouldn’t believe what my neighbor’s been putting me through. His party last night didn’t break up until after 3 a.m.'"
"You’ve just shifted the conversation back to you and your concerns rather than inviting your small talk partner to contribute even more," he continued. A conversation doesn't work if you don't allow the other person to speak while also listening instead of just waiting for your turn to interject and speak. The more comfortable someone feels opening up with another person, the more easily they can do it.
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By giving a person space to speak and inviting them to share more, you are one step closer to building a connection and bond with that individual.
A 'shift response' isn't always a bad thing to use, but a 'support response' encourages a more open conversation.
"In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses — other people want to learn about us, and we don’t want to come across as withdrawn or secretive," he continued. "So many people make the mistake of treating other people’s stories as openings for them to talk about themselves. But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more."
Instead of thinking about the conversation as it relates to us, the best responses we can have are ones that encourage someone else to open up. Things like "What happened next?" or "What excited you about that?" open up conversations from just being a small talk exchange to something deeper. It might seem difficult at first, but the more you work on small talk and conversational skills, the easier it will get.
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According to TIME, in a study by a Toronto graduate named Gillian Sandstrom, it was found that when people did a week-long scavenger hunt in which they had to find, approach, and talk to strangers, they grew more optimistic and confident about their conversational skills every day.
"We all have this negative voice in our heads that tells us we’re not very good at this social stuff," Sandstrom told TIME. "But the data suggest that people actually like you more than you think they do."
It's almost like being able to ride a bicycle — once you learn and master it, those skills will never leave you no matter how much time passes. Work on it; soon enough, conversations and small talk won't seem so scary and unnecessary.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.