The Specific Way To Speak To A Man So He'll Actually Listen, According To Psychology
Sometimes, saying less works more effectively.
LightField Studios | Shutterstock How well do you communicate with your man? Do you end each conversation feeling fully understood and heard? Do you find he does it when you ask him to do something, and there are no miscommunications or misunderstandings? Does he listen eagerly to what you have to say? Or, do you sometimes feel like he's just watching your lips move and waiting for you to finish?
If you answered the above questions with anything other than a resounding "Yes!" you probably need to learn something critical about how effective communication works between men and women. Some simple adjustments can help you feel heard better than ever before.
Here's the specific way to speak to a man so he'll listen, according to psychology:
1. Know the way men usually communicate
Men aren't always eloquent or detailed in their communication. "Let's go over there." "It's getting dark. Let's go home." "I'll meet you on the other side."
Nothing in there about the plan, what they are feeling, or what they are observing. Just short, to the point, bursts of information.
Communicating in bursts of essential information is what it often takes to provide for their families and community. If they say much more, they might lose focus or have their thoughts run off. This highly influences the way men communicate and take in information.
Research from Pepperdine University on gender differences in emotional expressivity helps demonstrate men's typical communication style doesn't mean they can't share their feelings, have long conversations, or appreciate and observe nuance and beauty. It just means that sometimes, the best way to open a conversation and reach them in a way they can truly hear you is by simplifying what you say.
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2. Know the way women usually communicate
For most women, more information is usually better. When they are focused on the heart and the communities, they know protecting the family requires strong relationships in the community. So, they often use the flow of conversation to bond with others and learn the information that affects their family's survival, status, and happiness, as evidenced in a study from the American Psychological Association on gender differences in mediated communication.
Conversation can pass the time while connecting them to other people and provide insights into emotional nuances that can impact the community's well-being. Often, women have more natural skills at expressing and identifying emotions, building strong, fast bonds, and creating intimacy through conversation. It's a powerful skill.
Because most women have more insight into the emotional undercurrent beneath words, and an ability to connect through conversation, you want to learn how to translate those natural strengths to reach a man where he is.
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3. Adjust your communication style accordingly
If you are upset he didn't do the dishes as promised, resist the urge to list everything that impacted your feelings and disappointment when you share your feelings with him. Because when you share too much negativity, he hears nothing.
You may want to say something like this:
"Why didn't you do the dishes? You know I had a long work day and was exhausted when I got home. I still need to help our kids with homework and bath time and prepare my presentation for tomorrow. You said you would handle it, and you didn't. I ended up doing it because you know that if we leave the dishes in the sink, it will be much harder to clean later..."
But, you would have far more success if you said this: "I'm upset you didn't do the dishes. You said you would."
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Research from the University of Edinburgh on emotional reflexivity in men supports that by changing how you say what you want, he can hear all of the important information. He doesn't start tuning out and doesn't start getting defensive about secondary excuses like being tired, doing something else, or having a long day at work).
That doesn't mean you can't share your feelings of overwhelm and stress with the other areas of your life. You just need to pace it differently. If you think about every time you shared a lot with a man, and he heard very little — if anything at all — you know what we are saying rings true.
If you pay attention to how men talk to each other (for example, think of football!), versus how women talk among themselves, you know how old gender roles can still impact many of us today.
The problems often arise because the differences are significant when we can't share what's important to each other. We both feel the other never listens. We tune out. Or opt-out. Or run out.
The good news is, that once we understand the influences running our communication, we're empowered to make changes to reverse any damage, bring us closer together, and thrive as a couple.
Katie and Gay Hendricks are experts who have written over 30 books, trained thousands of coaches, appeared on Oprah, and hosted seminars around the globe.