10 So-Called Bad Manners People Judge That Might Actually Be Signs Of ADHD
A healthy reminder that not everything people get offended by is intentional or inherently malicious.
Pheelings media / Shutterstock While Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, better known as “ADHD,” is typically characterized by symptoms like hyperactivity, impulsivity, inattention and fidgeting in childhood, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, as a person with this condition ages, symptoms changed, and they might often be judged for what seems like so-called bad manners that actually might be signs of ADHD.
Considering so many of us are caught up in the chaos of our own lives, it’s easy to immediately characterize these genuine symptoms as direct attacks on our own well-being. Despite our tendency to assume people are behaving badly because they are rude or selfish, many of these things they do are difficult to keep under control, leaving people with ADHD struggling with guilty feelings on a daily basis.
Here are 10 so-called bad manners people judge that might actually be signs of ADHD
1. Being chronically late
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According to licensed social worker Joslyn Jelinek, people with ADHD tend to struggle with chronic lateness because their brains have trouble with memory, attention, and dopamine, all of which are associated with time keeping. People with ADHD also struggle with maintaining their circadian rhythm, making it difficult for them to naturally sense what time of day it is.
While there are many resources available to help support people with ADHD who struggle with time perception, people who aren’t diagnosed or don’t have accessibility to that knowledge often bear the brunt of the negative social implications of being chronically late.
2. Interrupting people during conversions
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People with ADHD tend to struggle with impulse control, especially during conversations, leading to outbursts and interruptions that can be perceived as “bad manners” or rudeness. The combination of impulsivity, inability to to choose what they pay attention to, and poor working memory make it challenging for them to juggle multiple thoughts at one time, as a thought rushes into their brains and they know they may forget what it was just as quickly.
So, while it might be good manners to wait your turn before sharing what you want to say, people with ADHD tend to blurt out their ideas and interrupt others to avoid losing their train of thought. Of course, this tendency tends to have a negative effect on people with ADHD’s relationships, as their habits diverge from the typical frameworks of healthy communication, active listening, and connection, irritating others on a frequent basis.
3. Avoiding eye contact
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According to a study published in the journal Biological Psychology, people with ADHD have considerable differences in their brain activity when processing other people’s direct eye gaze as compared to their neurotypical counterparts. This makes it difficult for them to decode certain social situations, understand body language, and hold direct eye contact.
Considering eye contact is a pillar of healthy active listening habits, this inability to maintain it in people with ADHD can ensure they are perceived as rude, as people who don't understand may interpret the lack of eye contact as a sign the person is being shifty or disinterested.
4. Missing plans or canceling last minute
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For reasons similar to the reasons why many people with ADHD struggle with lateness, misguided time perception also contributes to their tendency to forget about commitments, cancel last minute, or completely miss things like appointments or dates. Especially when the consequences of procrastination catch up to individuals with ADHD, balancing prior commitments and getting their work done can feel relatively impossible.
Additionally, ADHD is an anxiety disorder. They may be genuinely interested in and even excited about plans when they make them, but when the time comes, they often find themselves feeling too overwhelmed, nervous or stressed to follow through.
5. Talking loudly
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Many people with ADHD struggle with the volume of their voice, specifically in emotional conversations and conflicts that would benefit from more proactive emotional regulation. According to psychologist Dannell Roberts, hyperactivity not only affects the volume of people with ADHD’s voices, but also the pace, which quickens when they’re emotional or excited.
With such an emphasis on loudness being rude in our society and relationships — labeled as attention-seeking or disturbing to the peace of others — people with ADHD often struggle to balance getting their point across, controlling their hyperactivity, and genuinely connecting with others without this inherent judgement.
6. Getting distracted during conversations
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Many people with ADHD struggle with maintaining their attention, whether they're having casual, passing conversations or in the middle of intense conflicts. With lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine — brain chemicals that help maintain alertness, increase focus, and sustain thought, effort, and motivation — they tend to fall victim to a wandering mind and constant distractions, according to experts at Ohio State Health.
This can take a variety of forms, many of which are considered so-called bad manners people judge, from continually circling back to unrelated topics to getting distracted by external stimuli and struggling to maintain eye contact.
7. Grabbing other people’s things
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According to experts at Philadelphia Integrative Psychiatry, people, especially kids, with ADHD tend to seek sensory experiences, not just because they have a higher threshold for sensory input, but to seek out modes of control and focus. When trying to focus, they might need to fidget with something in their hands — even if the only thing they can grab is someone else’s pen.
While this might seem like bad manners to a neurotypical person, it’s genuinely an avenue for people with ADHD to focus more intently, even if it’s entirely subconscious.
8. Making inappropriate jokes
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While humor can often serve as a “secret weapon” for mediating conflict and regulating emotional conversations, overusing crude humor or inappropriate jokes is largely considered a pillar of people with bad manners. However, people with ADHD frequently struggle with impulsivity during conversations, and when driven by a desire to be funny or engaging, inappropriate jokes are a common go-to tactic.
While it might be perceived as immaturity, these awkward moments in conversations are truly them calling on the best coping mechanisms they could come up with for dealing with being distracted and not fully present in conversations, leaving them often feeling overlooked and dismissed.
9. Cursing too often
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Struggling with impulsivity and a desire to be engaging, people with ADHD are more likely to utilize cursing in their daily language than neurotypical people. Sudden outbursts of emotion also tend to draw on this tendency to curse, as people with ADHD largely struggle to cope with, acknowledge, and regulate their uncomfortable and complex internal emotions.
According to a study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders, many people with ADHD also do this online during their using interactions on social media, posting more self-criticizing language, crude words, and suggestive themes of emotional dysregulation than their neurotypical counterparts.
10. Disorganization and messiness
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Whether it’s planning something, organizing their homes, or prioritizing personal hygiene, the Child Mind Institute explains that many people with ADHD struggle with disorganization and a tendency towards messiness because of their difficulties with executive functioning skills. The cognitive abilities and focus that allow a neurotypical person to easily organize and plan their days — including cleaning, working, and social interactions — present people with ADHD with daily challenges.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.