To Influence People, Use These 4 Slick Tactics, Says Communication Expert
How to solve any issue with clever communication skills.
David Perry | Unsplash Learning effective communication skills and slick influencing tactics can make any relationship infinitely better. One of the many, many things about marriage is that it makes you uncomfortably aware of your partner’s bad or annoying habits. There are small, minor irritations that become big deals.
“Each situation is different,” Susan Petang, a Certified Stress Management Coach, and author of The Quiet Zone — Mindful Stress Management for Everyday People.
“The blanket statement would be, ‘I feel ‘X’ when you do ‘Y.’ I’d like’ Z’ How can we make that happen?’ That’s pretty much the best one-size-fits-all solution”
Petang says that the key to bringing up any sensitive subject is to pinpoint what, exactly, it is about the behavior that bothers you and then try to figure out why they’re doing it without being petty or mean.
“Sometimes it’s helpful to try to examine what your partner’s motivation is,” says Petang. For instance: If they have bad breath, it may be because they have some apprehensions about going to the dentist.
“You can say ‘Look, I’ll come with you to the dentist. Would you like me to make the appointment for you?’ So rather than finding the pill for the symptom, we need to look at what’s causing the illness and sometimes we have to examine our motivations.”
Still, it’s difficult to approach a partner without coming off as harsh or mean. Here, per Petang, is a step-by-step process to influence people and potentially change their behavior and get them to see things your way.
To influence people, use these slick tactics:
1. Don’t be accusatory
Sure, your partner’s scraggly toenails or lack of tact when speaking with your parents might be irritating, but you mustn’t let that show when first bringing up the subject.
In other words, it’s best to avoid statements like, ‘Your toenails are disgusting!’ or ‘You have no common sense!’, which will only breed resentment. “Speak about your own feelings,” recommends Petang.
“For example, ‘I’m concerned about your health when you have so much gas,’ ‘It hurts when your nails scratch me,’ or ‘I get upset when I feel you’re not taking care of yourself.’
Being accusatory in a relationship significantly damages trust and connection by making others feel attacked, unheard, and defensive. A study published in the Journal of Family Issues explained that this leads to increased conflict, emotional distance, and a strained relationship with the person you are accusing. It can erode the foundation of a healthy partnership by creating a cycle of blame and resentment.
2. Stay laser-focused on a potential solution
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If you keep the discussion centered on whatever your partner is doing, they will feel backed into a corner. Instead, focus on solving the problem.
“Asking your partner to come up with the solution is more likely to get them to follow up,” says Petang. ‘I’m worried about your health. Your breath is so bad that I wonder if there’s a problem with your teeth or your stomach. What do you think would be a good idea to start dealing with it?’”
Petang also adds that you should also offer to be collaborative. Consider: “What’s something we can do together to fix this? How can I help?”
3. Repeat back what the person said to you
During the conversation, when your partner answers your initial statements, it’s in your best interest to summarize and repeat back what they said to let them know that you heard and processed everything.
“When it comes to conflict resolution, that’s what people want,” Petang says. “They just want to be heard.” It’s about acknowledging their point of view and empathizing.
So, if losing their cool is a problem and they admit that stress is a cause, you might respond with, “Your mornings are stressful. Maybe we can get up earlier together and have coffee before the kid gets up so we have some more time to decompress.”
It’s also good to get their say. Consider: ‘What’s a good way that you can think of for us to adjust our morning routine so that you’re less stressed right away?”
Active listening helps you influence others by making them feel heard and understood. This builds trust and openness to your ideas, allowing you to present your perspective more effectively and increasing the likelihood of them considering your influence. According to research from The University of British Columbia, when someone feels genuinely listened to, they are more receptive to what you say.
4. Bring it back around
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Even if you say everything perfectly and with the utmost kindness, there’s a big chance that your partner will react poorly. No matter what, their ego is going to be wounded. It’s frustrating, yeah. But you need to be sensitive to that.
Otherwise, things can implode quickly. If this happens, it’s important to indicate that you come from a place of care, not criticism. “Make sure your partner knows that you love them, no matter what,” Petang says.
Jeremy Brown is a writer and editor. His writing has appeared in many magazines, websites, and newspapers around the world and he has authored special issues for TV Guide and the Discovery Channel, among more.