10 Signs You're Surrounded By A Bunch Of Snakes Instead Of True Friends
You may want to watch your back.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Friendships are built on respect, trust and mutual support. These core values form the foundation of genuine connections, where both people lift each other up and navigate life's challenges together. However, if you find that your friendships may be lacking these qualities, you might notice the signs you're surrounded by a bunch of snakes instead of true friends.
While they may smile to your face and hold your hand through rough patches, they may also be rooting for your downfall behind closed doors. These so-called friends manipulate, gossip, or sabotage you when you're not looking, all while pretending to have your best interests at heart.
Here are 10 signs you're surrounded by a bunch of snakes instead of true friends
1. They only reach out when they need something
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When you've worked hard for the last few years of your career and are finally able to afford that home you've always dreamed of, your phone is suddenly blowing up with messages from people you haven't heard from in years.
Word gets around that you've closed on the property, and these individuals may try to justify their long absence or even just ask you how you've been. But these aren't true friends; rather, they are snakes hiding in plain sight, only reaching out to you because they want something. In reality, they are likely just trying to gain access to a weekend at your sprawling home rather than reconnecting with you.
Your genuine friends have likely stayed in touch with you throughout your entire journey to being able to afford the house, cheering you on from the sidelines. When you start taking reservations, keep them on the top of the list while scratching those who only decided to reach out when they clearly wanted something from you.
2. They don't celebrate your successes
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When you get a new job or become engaged to the love of your life, your true friends will be right there cheering and pumping their fists, even if they haven't reached the same milestones. Fake friends will likely be moping in the corner or trying to downplay your excitement.
True friends are able to recognize that their friends' successes do not take away from their own. In fact, research from BMJ shows that people who surround themselves with happy and successful friends are more likely to be happy and successful themselves.
Good, true friends also know that their time will come, and instead of being bitter about their friends' successes, they choose to celebrate them.
3. They talk behind your back
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While friends may vent about each other from time to time, those who are constantly engaging in gossip behind their friends' backs to others are not authentic. And if you find that the people you keep close to you are saying mean things behind your back, it's one of the signs you're surrounded by a bunch of snakes instead of true friends.
"When we gossip, we are fertilizing our minds with toxicity and judgment. We are much more likely to scrutinize ourselves when we are busy scrutinizing others," therapist Hannah Rose LCPC revealed. "We are significantly more susceptible to self-centered fear and the obsession that others are going to gossip about us."
When you do something that truly bothers a genuine friend, they will take it up with you in a polite and respectful manner, instead of running to everyone except the person they have the problem with.
4. They're always competing with you
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Let's say you have a new romantic partner you're excited to fill your friend in on. You tell them about it, but instead of reacting with excitement, they just have to tell you that they also have been seeing someone, even if they haven't.
This is a telltale sign of a fake friend who is a snake, someone who sees you as competition rather than a teammate. Everything you have, they must have it and it must be better. These are the types of friends who are constantly trying to one-up you and make everything about themselves, rather than giving you the support you deserve from a friend.
According to psychologist Mark Travers, PhD, one-upmanship is usually caused by feelings of inferiority, insecurity about physical appearance or desirability, and the pursuit of career success.
"At its core, one-upmanship is propelled by deep-seated insecurities prompting individuals to seek affirmation and validation through comparison. Despite initially seeming like harmless banter or playful rivalry, its underlying motivations can sow seeds of discord and resentment within relationships," he adds.
"The persistent need to demonstrate one's worth or dominance can create an atmosphere of tension and mistrust, gradually corroding the foundation of mutual respect and understanding."
5. They don't respect boundaries
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If you've had to repeatedly tell your friend what makes you uncomfortable and they continue to bring it up or pressure you to engage with whatever it may be, they do not respect your boundaries. For example, if you made your financial struggles clear, they may always try to get you to go out to a fancy restaurant or book an expensive vacation, no matter how many times you've told them you cannot afford it.
A true friend would honor your wishes and make you feel more comfortable by suggesting a free movie night at their place or doing something low-key like spending the weekend doing a budget-friendly activity. But a fake friend is likely dismissive of your feelings, saying things like, "Come on! Let's just have some fun" or accusing you of being uptight even though you've already made your boundaries crystal clear.
By violating those boundaries, they are making it evident that they don't care about your feelings, and it's an incredibly toxic friendship to find yourself in.
6. They don't make time for you
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One of the most glaring signs you're surrounded by a bunch of snakes instead of true friends is their inability to make time for you and your friendship. While life can get extremely hectic and busy, true friends will make the effort to find time to catch up. Even if it's just 30 minutes at a coffee shop before work, they make time to show an interest in your life.
This kind of dedication stays with a person, and is beneficial to their overall well-being. As clinical psychologist Sheehan D. Fisher, PhD says, "Knowing someone loves and supports you when you're going throughout your day, even if the person is not physically present, is a mental health booster."
If you find yourself being the only one to make plans and take time to see friends who ultimately end up canceling on you frequently or claiming they are always too busy, they may not actually be a true friend.
7. They only focus on the negative
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It can be difficult to be around people who are constantly focusing on everything that's wrong in their lives without making any attempt to improve their situation. A friend's constant negativity can significantly impact your own mood and well-being, draining you of your energy and leading to increased stress and anxiety.
According to psychotherapist Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD, "Toxic people drain your energy by constantly demanding attention, sympathy, or validation. They play the victim role expertly. Their negativity and constant complaining can weigh heavily on you, leaving little room for positive interactions with them." And you end up with anxiety and stress through the roof.
It's important to note that there's a difference between negative friends and true friends who are simply going through a rough patch and are having trouble finding joy. Negative friends are people who put you down, are arrogant, and have declared that everything is awful and always will be. And they may not truly be friends at all.
8. They make everything about themselves
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When you're having problems with your boss at work and need to vent to a friend, perhaps you find that the conversation turns back to them. You're unable to make it through a sentence without your supposed friend jumping and relating it back to their own work struggles.
If the conversation somehow always turns back to them, it's a sign you're surrounded by a bunch of snakes instead of true friends.
You deserve to surround yourself with authentic people who will give you a listening ear when you need it, as you would for them. As therapist and educator Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW notes, "True friends don't just take. They also offer empathy for your concerns, in circumstances good, bad, or anywhere in between."
9. They're quick to judge
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Fake friends are often critical of your choices, and are quick to judge you without any empathy or understanding. Where a true friend will listen with an open heart and mind, fake friends automatically think the worst of you, and aren't ashamed to come out against you.
If you find yourself constantly having to explain your decisions to your friends in an attempt to get the judgmental expression off their faces, they are likely not your true friends at all. In fact, they may even find some joy in feeling superior to you.
Authentic friends will never make you feel like you need to explain yourself. They will accept you for who you are, and will not try to influence your decisions.
10. You feel exhausted after spending time with them
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If you find yourself emotionally drained, unsupported and exhausted after hanging out with certain people, it's one of the major signs you're surrounded by a bunch of snakes instead of true friends.
Experiencing physical reactions, like exhaustion, around certain friends may indicate the emotional toll their friendship is taking on you. There's nothing wrong with knowing your limits when it comes to these types of friends and putting your well-being first.
According to licensed clinical psychologist David Susman, PhD, you can still be a good friend without sacrificing your emotional and physical health. You just may need to take a few steps back from them, and if your feelings don't improve around them, you may have to sever ties entirely.
True friendships should make you feel energized, supported and valued, and after you've parted ways, you should look forward to seeing them again instead of needing a long nap.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.