10 Signs You Grew Up Solving Most Of Your Problems All Alone As A Kid & It's Affecting You Now
The past is still holding you back.
Nastyaofly / Shutterstock If you've been feeling alone or completely drained most of your life, you likely picked up the bad habit of always depending on yourself. Because of that, you may have a hard time letting other people in. However, this isn't your fault.
As business adviser Jayson Lasala writes, "People who isolate themselves when being overwhelmed are usually the ones who had to solve a lot of problems on their own when they were still a child."
So, what type of problems did you have to solve by yourself growing up? Most importantly, how did this affect you in the long run?
Here are 10 signs you grew up solving your problems alone as a child — and it's affecting you now
1. You had adult responsibilities
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If you raised your siblings or cleaned up after others growing up, you were likely the unofficial parent of your household. You were tasked with keeping things in order and blamed when things turned left.
Because of this, you never thought to share your problems with others, since all the responsibility was placed on you anyway. Instead, you keep any issues you have hidden away.
2. Adults came to you when they had problems
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Seen as a "natural therapist," you had adults flocking to you left and right with their problems when you were growing up. To them, you gave the best advice and were such a "good listener."
Unfortunately, according to psychologist Nelisha Wickremasinghe, people who trauma dump don't know how to process their emotions and unintentionally negatively impact those around them.
Wickremasinghe says people on the receiving end, "Feel resentful and drained by the emotional 'bombing' and their inability to escape it." Because of this, now that you have grown, people are less likely to come to you during their times of need.
3. You were always afraid to ask for help
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Growing up, you probably struggled to ask others for help. Even if you needed help, you were too ashamed to ask for it, which led you to figure out problems all on your own. You didn't have any adult guidance in this way.
As an adult, you're likely hyper-independent. You don't depend on anyone and your motto is likely, "I can do it all on my own." But this mindset is often a trauma response, a defensive mechanism meant to protect you from feeling vulnerable and out of control.
4. You spent a lot of time alone as a child
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Human beings are social creatures, yearning to belong and be in the company of others. But what happens when we lose that community or if that community was never given to us in the first place?
While kids who spend time alone certainly reap benefits like personal growth and self-acceptance, the American Psychological Association cites research showing that social isolation leads to depression, poor sleep quality, and cognitive decline. And as an adult, you may still find that you suffer from these conditions.
5. You have a bad habit of pushing people away
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You don't know how to let people in. No matter how hard you try, there's a voice in the back of your mind telling you to not let others get too close. But there's a reason for it. As a child, you were shamed for letting people get too close, and you were shamed when confiding with others, all because you were told that there are people worse off than you.
Now that you're older, you still have that voice telling you that people are going to judge you the same way adults did when you came to them with a problem. You shut down and refuse to get close to other people as a result.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ryan C. Warner, childhood trauma and neglect can deeply affect a person's attachment. "Childhood relational trauma... is born from being abused or neglected during childhood and can permanently affect people's ability to create healthy relationships," he says. "People who have experienced relational trauma may fear intimacy, have problems trusting others, and feel insecure."
6. You feel silly expressing yourself
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It's human nature to want to connect and have someone to lean on when times get tough. But some people were taught that emotions are problematic or needed to be silenced; they were told they were "too much" or were "too loud."
However, silencing those emotions only leads us to be scared of them. This then leads to never sharing our problems because of the fear of judgment. Psychotherapist Katherine Cullen adds that, according to research, suppression of emotions leads to greater stress, making your toxic suppression a whole lot worse.
7. You constantly self-soothe
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When you're in conflict, what do you do? Do you go to your loved ones for help, or do you self-soothe? While self-soothing in itself isn't such a bad thing, doing so frequently and refusing to seek help from others is unhealthy.
It shows a lack of trust in others and in their ability to help you. More than that, it shows just how little support you had growing up.
8. You think your problems are insignificant
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When we belittle our problems, it's likely because other people did it first. You might be thinking it's not that bad; after all, sometimes our problems are truly insignificant. But that would be incorrect. The Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association writes, "Constantly belittling, threatening or ignoring children can be as damaging to their mental health as... abuse."
As a child, the neglect you faced made it harder for you to express yourself or verbalize your problems, damaging your ability to open up to others. As you got older, you likely found yourself having a difficult time letting people in out of fear of them disrespecting you.
9. You've been told you're wise for your age
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As a child, if you talked to an adult and were told, "You're so wise for your age," on the surface, it may have seemed like a stellar compliment. It might have convinced you that you were mature and competent.
While this may have been true, being wise for your age shows just how much you were forced to grow up quickly. It highlights just how much you relied on yourself and how greatly the adults around failed you.
According to licensed professional counselor Jessica MacNair, "Children dealing with trauma have to learn to escape a threat and make themselves as useful as possible, and this can be confused with signs of maturity." But, adds MacNair, being resourceful in this way is "often mistaken for maturity when it's not related to maturity at all."
10. You don't know how to keep your emotions in check
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As an adult, having outbursts isn't a normal response to difficult situations, nor is it effective in keeping your emotions in check. But it's not your fault.
Research found that children who had experienced severe emotional abuse as infants or physical abuse as toddlers were likely to be aggressive, which could explain why you can't seem to keep calm in tense situations.
If your parents neglected you and dismissed your problems, you were probably forced to figure things out on your own. And because of being forced to solve your own problems as a child, your brain development was a bit stunted.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.