12 Signs Someone In Your Life Is Extremely Mentally Strong, According To Psychology
What 25 years of mental struggle taught me about using our minds well.
Kateryna Hliznitsova | Unsplash I’ve struggled with anxiety and crippling overthinking most of my life. I’ve lost friends, opportunities, girlfriends, and many happy moments because of it. These experiences prompted me to learn everything about mental health over fifteen years. Today, my life experience is very different, and I have coached hundreds on how to develop mental strength.
Here are 12 signs someone in your life is mentally strong, according to psychology:
1. They no longer try to ‘fix’ themselves
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Those who believe they need ‘fixing’ — and many do — will be caught in a continual loop of insecurity. When we act as though we need to improve, we reinforce the idea that something is wrong with us and, therefore, maintain a negative self-image.
It’s not that any of us need fixing — it’s that most of us need to let go of the idea that something is wrong with us. We are already whole. It just requires us to truly see this.
There isn't a definitive study titled "No longer trying to fix yourself," research in psychology and related fields has extensively explored the negative impacts of excessive self-criticism and the pursuit of constant self-improvement, according to 2021 research from Harvard Business Review. Results have highlighted the benefits of self-acceptance and embracing imperfections, supporting the idea of "not trying to fix yourself."
2. They don't tolerate stressful thoughts
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The mind will continually throw up all kinds of thoughts without trying. This is a given. Strong people know this inevitability and do not allow stressful thoughts to be engaged for long. They may arise, but they are not tolerated. They are not engaged. We turn our attention to other things. This makes all the difference.
If people embrace the concept of stress, it can make them stronger, brighter, and happier, a Stanford expert says. “Stress isn’t always harmful,” said Kelly McGonigal, a business school lecturer at Stanford and program developer for the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. “Once you appreciate that going through stress makes you better at it, it can be easier to face each new challenge.”
The Stanford News Service interviewed McGonigal, who recently published a new book, The Upside of Stress, on the subject. The initial research showed that viewing stress as a helpful part of life, rather than as harmful, is associated with better health, emotional well-being, and productivity at work – even during periods of high stress.
3. They know how to slow their thoughts
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There is a close link between breath and the rate at which we cycle through new thoughts. Anxiety reflects an overly active mind. As such, slowing down our breathing can be used to slow down our thoughts and reduce what feels like anxiety.
4. They see the past as an illusion
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Mentally strong people know that the past is merely a concept. It is not real. People who suffer allow thoughts of the past to determine their present behavior.
If they were bullied at school, they will justify thoughts about those events to determine a current personality that fears criticism, for example. This need not be. When we can let go of the past’s hold on us, we are free to enjoy the present.
Research published in 2022 indicates that the ability to "let go" of the past is strongly linked to improved mental health. Results highlighted the positive effects of mindfulness and acceptance on reducing rumination and promoting psychological well-being when dealing with negative past experiences. Essentially, the more readily someone can release past attachments, the better their overall mental state tends to be.
5. They exercise regularly
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Those who want to maintain a strong mind understand the mind and body connection. When we treat ourselves well physically, our brains and minds benefit. The mind — you could argue — is the body in a sense.
We are far more vulnerable to unhealthy thinking patterns when we haven’t been in motion. Life is motion. We are trying to cheat life and joy when we go static for too long.
6. They see the opportunity or lesson in hardship
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Little improved my life more than taking on the stoic approach that a lesson is found in every hardship. Those who suffer have tuned out their capacity to see this. It is a matter of perspective — it is not situational. Every problem is an opportunity to grow.
According to research from The Center for Creative Leadership, hardships can be a powerful catalyst for leadership development. Research suggests that hardships account for almost a quarter of leadership development.
7. They understand ‘the gap’ between thoughts and behavior
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The gap is the space between a thought and a behavior response. Mentally weak people have cultivated very little by way of this gap. The strong have. They know not to react angrily when a button is pushed. Instead, they allow time to pass (gap) for the emotion to subside before carrying on.
Emotion regulation relates to physical and mental health. Effective regulation is a factor restraining depression, correlating with work efficiency, relationship satisfaction, and commonly perceived well-being.
Although the emotions experienced in response to a problematic situation varied, the intensity of the emotional experience was an important factor in determining the choice of a regulation strategy. This indicates that this emotional dimension is an essential and determining aspect of people’s regulatory capabilities. Results from a 2023 study by Frontiers in Psychology also suggest that perhaps men in a situation perceived as stressful and worthy of emotional involvement use more regulatory strategies than women.
8. They can tolerate uncertainity
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Life takes on a brutal nature if we feel the (very human) need to know precisely what will happen next. This is not possible. Peace is awarded to those who can let go of the need to know.
The most confident, happy people are at ease with uncertainty. They lean into it and perform better in all areas of life.
Research studies have found that people vary in their ability to tolerate uncertainty and that intolerance of uncertainty can be linked to mental health challenges. Research from the University of Regina found that people who are intolerant of uncertainty are more likely to experience mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.
9. When in doubt, they choose ease
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Many of us believe that our stress is determined by what happens in our lives — in our circumstances. This is false. Tension arises out of our thinking and our perception alone. Because of this, we can determine our experience because we are the creators of that experience. We can choose to be at ease. We can choose to be happy. It is internally generated.
10. They process things slowly
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Life slows when we slow down physically. Try it. Notice how those who are fidgety or move and talk quickly are often the most anxious. Anxiety is created, in large part, by trying to rush through life.
We can’t process reality as fast, so everything becomes more complicated when we rush. Slow down. You can. Everything becomes easier.
In Dr. Steve Taylor’s new book The Adventure, he interviewed a woman named Gill Hicks, who was seriously injured in a terrorist attack and lost her legs below the knee. She almost died because of her injuries, and in recovery, she felt like she was a different person, living a new life.
She saw her disability as a gift because she thought she gained so much through being forced to live more slowly. She stated, “Being slow—physically moving at a slower pace—has been an extraordinary experience. I have seen so much more just by being able to stop, look and absorb.”
Whereas rushing equates to stress and separation, slowness naturally generates mindfulness and connection. When we rush, we are always rushing away from the present toward the future, but we are content to remain in the present when we live slowly, Dr. Taylor says.
11. They understand the difference between imagination and rumination
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Mentally strong people know the tremendous power thoughts hold. They can be used to envision futures, design bridges, empathize with others, and make powerful calculations. They also know their destructive power, especially when they take the form of worry or rumination. Know the difference, and cut rumination short.
How will you know to do this? You’ll learn to stop and return to presence when you feel bad.
Several short-term pathways have been implicated in dissociative experiences. Among them are daily stress, sleepiness, and rumination.
In addition, it has been claimed that mechanisms contributing to dissociative experiences may differ according to specific psychopathological symptoms. Findings from a 2018 study published by Frontiers in Psychology are supported by previous literature on the efficacy of mindfulness and the maladaptive correlates of mind-wandering, as they suggest that dissociative detachment from one’s present occupation is associated with decreased well-being.
12. They're aware of their place in the world
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Awareness is taking in the world around us without judgment. When we judge, we feel the negative meaning of these judgments, creating stress for ourselves. For example, if we think that person is annoying, we will feel this thought. Awareness is our gateway beyond this.
Take a moment to listen, feel, and truly sense your environment right now without judgment, and you will know the calming power of mindfulness.
The first component of self-connection, self-awareness, is knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources, and intuitions. As part of their self-concepts, many people believe that they have an essential, internal, and private self-capable of being truly or fully known only to them, according to a 2022 study published by Europe’s Journal of Psychology.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient.