11 Signs Someone Doesn't Respect You, But Is Trying To Hide It
The indicators aren't always obvious, but they still feel awful.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Respect is a two-way street: If you don't offer it to people, you probably won't get any in return. Demanding admiration doesn't actually work, especially in situations where you see signs someone doesn't respect you, but is trying to hide it.
As much as you expect common courtesy in your interactions with others, you can't control how anyone else behaves. All you can really control are your own emotional reactions and actions. Cultivating self-respect can shield you from negative influences. Knowing your own worth creates a buffer against other people's insults, which can make disrespect sting a little less.
Here are 11 signs someone doesn't respect you, but is trying to hide it
1. They invalidate your feelings
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When someone doesn't respect you but they're trying to hide it, they'll invalidate your emotions, which can make you doubt your own experience. According to licensed professional counselor Pamela Madsen, emotional invalidation shows up in different ways.
Refusing to acknowledge how someone feels or blaming them for their feelings are overt examples of invalidation. Minimizing or dismissing someone's emotions is a more subtle form of invalidation, like saying their feelings don't matter or that they're overreacting.
Emotional invalidation isn't always purposeful. Someone might downplay another person's feelings in a misguided attempt to make them feel better. Invalidating people makes them question their self-worth and wonder if they're deserving of validation at all.
It's hard to have a genuine connection with someone who refuses to accept your feelings as they are, because they're essentially ignoring a major part of your identity.
2. They interrupt you
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People often interrupt conversations due to poor social skills or nervous habits, but it can also be a sign someone doesn't respect you, even though they're trying to hide it.
When someone chronically cuts you off, it reveals that they don't actually care enough about you to let you share what you think. They're so focused on their own opinions, they don't register how much space they're taking up.
If you call them out, they might offer a half-hearted apology, but they won't change their behavior. They continue to talk over you, because they're too self-centered to work on actually improving how they relate to other people.
3. They cross your boundaries
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Someone who doesn't respect you but is trying to hide it will make a habit of crossing any boundaries you set. They'll push your limits over and over, hoping that you'll break under the pressure. A disrespectful person won't accept your very valid "no," and they'll make you feel like you're at fault for not giving them exactly what they want.
As lawyer Susan J. Elliott pointed out, "having strong boundaries will weed out unhealthy people." She explained, "Healthy boundaries give us healthy relationships, healthy self-esteem, and healthy well-being. Boundaries simply recognize that you end in one place and I end somewhere else."
"Listen to your inner voice as to when it is time to set a boundary," Elliott advised. "When you feel angry and put upon, it's time to set a boundary. When you feel sad and think that everyone is taking advantage of you, it's time to set a boundary."
Sticking to your boundaries isn't easy, but it's part of respecting your own needs, even when no one else does.
4. They tell jokes at your expense
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When someone uses mean-spirited humor to make you feel inferior, it's a sign they don't respect you, but they're trying to hide it. They'll cut you down with quiet jabs or critical comments, then defend themselves with the excuse that they're just joking. If you stand up for yourself or push back, they say things like, "You're so sensitive," or "Relax, I'm only kidding."
When humor is used in a positive way, it can bring people together and highlight our common human experience. But humor can also be weaponized in an aggressive way, according to psychologist Ronald E. Riggio PhD, which is a tactic bullies use to make people feel small.
"[Aggressive humor] involves put-downs or insults targeted toward individuals... When it is intended to threaten or psychologically harm others, it is the type of humor used by bullies. While some of the audience to this type of humor will find it funny, others might laugh to cover up a feeling of discomfort," Riggio explained.
5. They don't apologize sincerely
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Someone who doesn't respect you but is trying to hide it won't ever offer a genuine apology, no matter how much harm they've caused. They hold themselves above you, which means they think that they don't owe you anything. A sincere apology requires people to channel their humility and check their ego, but those actions are based on a sense of mutual respect.
According to a set of studies conducted by psychological scientists, truly effective apologies are composed of six elements: an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, an acknowledgement of responsibility, a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair, and a request for forgiveness.
"The most important component is an acknowledgement of responsibility," researcher Roy Lewicki explained. "Say it is your fault, that you made a mistake." If someone truly respects you, they'll take ownership of their actions, even when it's painful for them to do so.
6. They don't listen
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Listening is a foundational part of respectful communication. When someone doesn't respect you, they won't devote attention toward you when you speak. They might pretend to listen, but they're actually tuning you out, because they don't value what you have to say.
Life management and career coach Ruth Schimel, PhD pointed out the power of truly listening to other people. "In all situations, listening helps boost trust and understanding," she explained. "It promotes learning and opportunities. A foundation for intimacy and closeness, listening can also strengthen most relationships."
"Your listening is a great, intangible gift to give to others and to yourself," Schimel concluded. "Once you improve and apply your listening skills, you'll open windows and doors to new possibilities and richer relationships in most areas of your life."
7. They take credit for your achievements
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When someone refuses to recognize your input and takes credit for work you've done, it's a sign they don't respect you, but are trying to hide it. This scenario usually occurs in professional settings, when someone in a position of authority takes advantage of the people beneath them.
They make their disrespect clear by claiming that they're responsible for your achievements, without sharing credit or acknowledging the role you played in getting results. Whether they're power-hungry or just lacking in grace, someone who steals your work definitely doesn't respect you.
8. They only reach out when they need something
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Reciprocity is essential for a balanced, functional relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic. If you're involved with someone who only shows up when they need something from you, they don't respect you, but they're trying to hide it. While relationships can't ever be perfectly even, it's important to feel like you're both giving and receiving.
As mental health and wellness consultant Jamie Cannon explains, "Healthy relationships are built on reciprocity. They are a two-way street, where both partners give and receive support, care, and compromise. Relationships without reciprocity often end up with one partner feeling taken advantage of, used, and burned out."
A relationship without mutual respect is a hollow connection, based on false pretenses. When one person truly cares for someone else, they commit time and energy to them. Being a present and generous person is a way to show affection, while reaching out in a conditional way is a sign someone doesn't respect you enough to be there for you.
9. They undermine you
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It can be easy to miss the more subtle indicators of disrespectful behavior, especially when someone is trying to hide it. If you're constantly being undermined by another person, they don't really respect you.
They'll display their lack of respect quietly, sewing seeds of doubt around everything you say. They might not outright say that you're wrong, but they'll certainly imply it.
If you confront someone who's undermining you, they'll deny doing it, which can make you doubt yourself even more. Their strategy relies on making you feel uneasy, so that you question your own interpretation of reality. Underminers will make a concerted effort to destabilize you as subtly as possible, because they're trying to hide the signs that they don't respect you.
10. They're emotionally manipulative
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Someone who relies on emotional manipulation to force you to act how they want you to doesn't respect you, but is likely trying to hide it. They might twist your words or make you feel guilty for not meeting your needs. Whatever their specific tactics are, an emotional manipulator's end goal is to isolate you from your support networks and level your sense of self-esteem.
As dating coach Stefanie Safran explained, "There is often no way to win when someone is using manipulative behaviors. This type of person is usually stuck in a controlling mindset, causing chaos and drama wherever they go."
"Emotional manipulators will distract, deflect, and confuse you to keep you off balance," she shared. "If you find yourself sharply veering away from your normal behavior, this is your first clue you're in a toxic dynamic... You will never change them. The only person you can control is you."
11. They need to have the last word
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When someone doesn't respect you, they have to have the last word in every interaction, because that's their way of establishing how much better they are than you. They'll tell you how wrong you are, even when you're discussing your own emotions. They'll explain everything you say, to make you feel like you're incapable of sharing a coherent thought.
Every move they make is calculated to signal their superiority over you. They might hide the more overt signs of their domineering attitude, but they can never let you have the last word. Their inability to let you be the expert shows that they don't respect you, but even moreso, they don't truly respect themselves.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.