10 Signs Of A Person Who Is Projecting Their Own Issues Onto You
Are you constantly taking the blame for someone else's problems?
Dodokat | Shutterstock Projection is the practice of subconsciously attributing your own uncomfortable feelings, beliefs, insecurities, and behaviors onto someone else. Typically used as a defense mechanism against uncomfortable internal emotions, projection helps an insecure and emotionally dysregulated person avoid accountability for their own discomfort.
Of course, like psychologists in a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argue, many of the thoughts and urges people seek to suppress often manifest themselves on their mental foreground — influencing their subconscious habits, their inner critic, and influencing behaviors like projection. By recognizing the signs of a person who is projecting their own issues onto you, it's possible to set better boundaries and protect yourself from taking on the misguided responsibility and mental burdens of another person's insecurity.
Here are 10 signs of a person who is projecting their own issues onto you
1. They often accuse other people of lying
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Projecting in a conversation can sometimes manifest through a dissonance between what a person is saying and their actual thoughts, beliefs, and values. Licensed psychologist Vara Saripalli, PsyD argues that pathological liars often accuse other people of lying, projecting their own guilty feelings onto others to cope with internal turmoil.
For example, a leader at work who is hypervigilant about their team's logged hours — accusing them of cutting corners or misrepresenting their work — is likely doing the same themselves. By pointing the fingers at others, their internal fears and anxiety can be projected outwards, rather than at themselves.
2. They apologize often and over-explain their choices
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While the tendency for a person to over-apologize and feel drawn to explaining every choice they make is often rooted in childhood trauma, unmet needs, and feelings of inadequacy, according to professor of human behavior Melody Wilding, LMSW, it's also one of the signs of a person who is projecting their own issues onto you.
In order to cope with their insecurity and uncomfortable internal feelings, they constantly apologize and take accountability for miniscule things and situations. Sometimes, this behavior is rooted in a fear of conflict and confrontation, two things that a person who may be projecting often is afraid of having to engage in.
3. Their compliments and praise are conditional
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The praise that a person prone to projection offers to others is often conditional on how they're feeling in the present moment. If they're feeling insecure and unhappy, chances are they're going to bring that energy into their relationships and conversations, being overly critical or judgmental of others to cope.
In that same vein, if they're feeling happy and empowered, they'll find ways to compliment others, sometimes in ways that can feel disingenuous and misguided depending on the situation.
At the end of the day, the signs of a person who is projecting their own issues onto you won't always be inherently negative, but a manifestation of whatever that person is feeling on the inside, including their mood swings and positive demeanors.
4. They respond emotionally to nonpersonal things
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Communication coach Raele Altano argues that projection can often manifest as a person responding emotionally to nonpersonal things like everyday conversation and small talk. For example, if you tell a friend about a restaurant you like and they propel everyone into a rant about how much they hate it, there's probably unaddressed and suppressed thoughts and emotions lingering behind their distaste.
In your everyday relationships, projection can also be a red flag for relational issues, in addition to personal emotional dysregulation, like the erosion of trust with an intimate partner. For example, a romantic partner that constantly accuses their co-worker of flirting with them — making it a point to emotionally express their disinterest — may actually be harboring feelings for them.
By recognizing these subtle and sometimes confusing signs of a person who is projecting their own issues onto you, it's possible to spot red flags and points of concern before they spiral into something bigger, protecting you from taking on the anxiety, distress, and discomfort of someone else.
5. They always compare you to someone else
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Many people subconsciously project their biases from other relationships onto their current partners and peers, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
In a healthy relationship, both partners may still be holding onto past experiences and traumas, but they cope with them in healthy ways — acknowledging them in therapy, journaling about them, or even expressing them in open conversations with their partner.
A dysregulated or insecure person, on the other hand, often resorts to projection to cope with their fears, comparing their partner to a toxic one from the past or accusing them of behaviors they've been forced to deal with in the past.
6. They always play the victim
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Even when they're clearly in the wrong or have hurt another person, a person prone to projecting their uncomfortable feelings towards others often plays the victim, according to clinical psychologist Karin Gepp, PsyD. Projecting their guilt and shame onto others, framing them as the perpetrator in a conflict, they avoid taking accountability and acknowledging their hurtful behaviors.
While there are many behaviors that can manifest in someone constantly playing the victim, some research, like a study from Personality and Individual Differences, suggests that misguided victimhood is actually a personality trait in some people — urging them to constantly seek the empathy, grace, and recognition associated with being a victim that they're unable to provide for themselves.
7. They put up emotional walls to avoid vulnerability
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Despite understanding that the foundation to any healthy relationship is trust and emotional vulnerability, one of the signs of a person who is projecting their own issues onto you is their tendency to build emotional walls to keep people from getting too close.
Typically a defense mechanism in response to past trauma and hurt, a person's emotional walls are often a symptom of their projection. They'd prefer to close out other people, rather than acknowledge and address the discomfort they feel internally.
8. They over-criticize others
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As one of the signs of low self-awareness, a person who projects their own insecurities onto others typically criticizes and judges other people without even realizing it. Considering they don't have the self-awareness to address their own emotions and insecurities, they cope by projecting them to others — informing their misguided expectations, beliefs, and choices.
In a relationship, this kind of negative attitude can manifest itself in many different ways, from picking fights with a partner, to making small jabs in a conversation, talking poorly behind their back, and even comparing them to past exes.
9. They're quick to place blame
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Similar to their ability to quickly morph themselves into the victim amid a conflict or confrontation, a person prone to projecting will also be quick to place blame on others. By pointing the finger of accusation at others, they protect themselves from having to defend against direct accusations themselves.
According to psychology expert Arash Emamzadeh, blaming others is a defense mechanism. "Specifically, it may be a defense mechanism aimed at protecting the blame-shifter's fragile ego from being overwhelmed with negative emotions such as guilt and shame. Simply put, the finger-pointing comes from a place of high vulnerability," he clarified.
Afraid that someone else will notice their mistakes or insecurities, they'd prefer to bring someone else down than suffer the emotional turmoil they've misguidedly associated with taking accountability.
10. They gaslight you
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In the face of a secure or emotionally intelligent person, someone prone to projecting is often forced to acknowledge their repressed emotions and insecurities even more, encouraging them to lean on unhealthy defense mechanisms like gaslighting to gain control or feel comfortable.
Gaslighting and projection go hand-in-hand, as both are intended to distort another person's reality and encourage them to take responsibility for uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and behaviors they likely haven't done.
Pulling on another person's self-doubt and insecurity, a person who is negatively affected by gaslighting behaviors is also likely to take on the burdens of projection, so it's important to not just recognize the signs of a person who is projecting their issues onto you, but also to set clear boundaries and expectations.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.