4 Signs Your Partner Is A Clinical Narcissist, From Having No Accountability To Being Obsessively Rigid
The hard realization is that the person you love is not who you think they are.
Mohammad Khaksarmadani | Unsplash We’ve all had those moments where we thought our partner was selfish. It’s tempting to label your S.O. a narcissist when you’re annoyed, there’s a major difference between cockiness, arrogance, overconfidence, and true narcissism.
While on the surface, they do share some qualities, the difference between a selfish jerk and a clinical narcissist is that the latter has no real empathy for others, making their relationship with you all about them and their self-image. They don’t care about you on a deeper level, beyond what you mirror back to them.
Though we’ll emphatically caution that making an actual diagnosis can only be done by a doctor, if you’re paired up with a narcissist, there are some signs of a clinical narcissist you can look for to help you hightail it away from this person before you get in too deep. To help you identify whether you’re dating a clinical narcissist, below are red flags to look for.
Here are the signs your partner is a clinical narcissist:
1. They don't appreciate you
Narcissists have extreme difficulty appreciating others. “They cannot simply enjoy you for who you are, feel proud of you, or acknowledge your efforts in any capacity — for example, when you’re trying to help or make them happy,” says Dr. Rhonda Freeman, a neuropsychologist who focuses a lot of her studies on narcissism.
“This lack of appreciation might be hard to detect initially because they might boast about you to people they know or be attracted to you because of certain special traits or accomplishments you have.”
But remember, there’s a big difference between appreciation and your partner using your specialness to make themselves look good, or wanting to have you as a partner because of your qualities or resume.
2. They never take responsibility
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Narcissists tend not to tolerate being held accountable for rudeness, callousness, or other social offenses, says Freeman. “At times they’re overtly hostile, but other times they reframe their behavior in other ways, including but not limited to a joke, a mistake, someone else’s fault, your hypersensitivity, your (unwarranted) concern about what other people think, or twisting reality so that rather than he/she is viewed as the victim,” she says.
If they constantly say things like, “It was just a joke! You know I wasn’t serious,” or “You’re so sensitive — you know I didn’t mean anything by it,” and, “You always worry about what other people think! Are you insecure or something?” you could be dating a narcissist.
Narcissistic partners often avoid taking responsibility for their actions by utilizing blame-shifting mechanisms, frequently pointing the finger at their partner, minimizing their role in conflicts, and employing other manipulation tactics to maintain a self-serving narrative.
Research from a 2019 study showed that partners of narcissists often report feeling emotionally drained, confused, and undermined due to the constant need to defend themselves against blame-shifting behavior.
3. They insist they're trustworthy — but never back it up
Narcissists often want full access to the new person they’re dating, says Freeman. “Trust is fragile, and deep trust is typically earned by and reserved for our inner circle because they’ve consistently demonstrated that they care for us, are loyal to us, and would never betray us,” she says.
However, narcissists tend to want access to the ‘inner circle’ level of trust without putting in the time or work to demonstrate that they’re worthy of it. “To them, to go from 0 to 100 is normal and many become annoyed when their new partner is not instantly on board and ready to share everything,” explains Freeman.
Trust should never feel forced. If you feel your partner is pushing you to say, do, and share certain things, narcissism could be at play.
4. They always make you feel like you're in trouble
Many narcissists have certain physical standards of the people they are dating. “They feel it is their right to comment, correct, and criticize when you do not meet those standards.
For most people, to be ‘corrected’ regarding our looks or physical presentation is hurtful and at the least considered rude. However, this will be viewed by the narcissist as your fault for disappointing them,” explains Freeman.
For example, you showed up to a movie date wearing a casual outfit, a ponytail, and minimal makeup. Your date starts laughing or immediately points out your casualness and may say something rude like, “I guess today is a day you just don’t care how you look, huh?”
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner often leads to a persistent feeling of not being enough. This is primarily due to the narcissist's manipulative tactics like devaluation, criticism, and gaslighting, which erode the partner's self-esteem and sense of worth.
Research published by the British Psychological Society explained that narcissists frequently belittle their partners' achievements, dismiss their feelings, and make them feel like their opinions don't matter, leading to a deeply ingrained belief of inadequacy.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Ashley Papa is a contributor to SheKnows and an editor at Fox News. She has appeared in MSN Canada, Yahoo News, AOL, Insider, and more.