If You Answer Yes To These 15 Questions, You May Be On The Narcissism Spectrum
The narcissistic spectrum is a vast space.
Andrea Piacquadio | Canva Most people are quick to spot a narcissist, but it's much more difficult to recognize your narcissism. However, based on my 20 years of experience as a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can say with confidence that everyone is a little bit narcissistic. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Of course, it's hard to admit you have narcissistic tendencies, to begin with, let alone identify how they're impacting your life and your loved ones. "Narcissist" is often perceived as an insult, and our culture is generally judgmental of people with narcissism. Narcissism exists on a continuum, and some amount of narcissism can be healthy for parents and their children. When I consult with people in my practice, I listen and think about where they are struggling on the narcissistic spectrum.
You may be on the narcissistic spectrum if you can answer yes to these questions:
1. In a mad scurry to get your own needs met, are your kids just simply fitting in, or in between?
Healthy narcissists have a reasonable sense of themselves and others and are concerned with their well-being as well as that of their loved ones.
2. Can you identify and appreciate the ways your kids are different from you?
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Healthy narcissists have a genuine interest in their children's thoughts and feelings and can recognize their children as distinct people, not mere extensions of themselves. They acknowledge their child's likes and dislikes, even when they differ from their parents' preferences, and they appreciate who their child is as an individual, complex person, marveling equally at the ways their child is exemplary and average.
Malignant narcissists are on the other end of the spectrum. As parents, their core challenge is perceiving their children as separate individuals. They tend to align or malign their children's characteristics so their picture of the children works with their self-image, as suggested by research led by Dr. Donna Mahoney.
3. Do you stay with a partner whom your kids hate to prevent your loneliness?
A study in the Psychoanalytic Psychology Journal helps show how malignant narcissism will place your needs far above the needs and safety of others. This includes your children, who might be seen as secondary to the comfort you seek.
4. Do you disparage your spouse or partner so your child can hear?
Several years ago, I knew a recently divorced couple, whom I'll call Susan and Bill. They had two children and shared partial custody. Although they weren't malignant narcissists in general, the pain and anger they experienced as a newly divorced couple evoked their narcissistic tendencies.
Each time Susan waited for Bill to pick up the kids, she couldn't help herself: She had to get a dig in under her breath about how Bill was always late. Although it was a little thing, voicing her frustration to their kids was a narcissistic move — it propped up her superior standing among the kids by lowering Bill's position, potentially creating distance between the kids and Bill when they most needed the love and support of both parents.
5. Are you working late to escape from your kids?
Avoiding your children to focus on your work can become habitual and, in malignant narcissism, can indicate you are placing personal success above the well-being of your kids.
6. Do you get more accolades from your career than from child-rearing?
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Raising a family and building a career are challenging to balance, and our narcissistic tendencies can cause us to put more effort into gaining personal accolades in our careers. This creates an imbalance, and parenting can seem like a chore or get ignored altogether.
7. Do you resent the demands and time raising children takes from your life?
It's normal for parents to occasionally miss their pre-kids freedom, but some parents experience this to more extreme degrees, taking every opportunity to escape from their children or neglecting, forgetting, or being overwhelmed by their needs.
These parents were raised by narcissistic parents and are trying to manage their own unfulfilled psychological needs.
For example, I once knew a woman, whom I'll call Sally, who complained of having too much to do and not enough time. To manage all her responsibilities, she was frequently about an hour late to pick her young children up from preschool. Her children would wait at preschool, unsure of when their mother would arrive, feeling anxious and forgotten.
Sally wasn't consciously trying to make her kids feel insecure, but in a mad rush to meet her own needs and deadlines, she treated her children like an afterthought.
8. Do you feel disrespected and criticized by your children?
Resentment can build up in any relationship, as explored in an article in the European Journal of Philosophy. If you feel criticism or disrespect from your kids, it could be your resentment talking because of the time the children take from you.
9. Do you miss milestone events because you think there will be more, and there's something you'd rather do?
Kids only grow up once, and we don't get another chance to go back and experience the first times or other significant moments. When you place your interests above the accomplishments of your kids, malignant narcissism is often the force that drives you to serve yourself.
10. Have you devoted your entire life to your child's life such that you no longer have your own identity?
Karen, a stay-at-home mother, sacrificed her career to raise her children. Karen's perfectionistic qualities, which she once saved for her career, were transferred onto child-rearing. She manages her kids like she used to manage her career and organizes and controls her children as a means of managing her anxiety.
Unfortunately, Karen is unable to see how her no-tolerance parenting has impacted one of her kids, who has developed a compulsive disorder. Without self-awareness, Karen transferred her insecurities onto her children, confusing herself with them and lacking empathy for their individuality, as suggested by research in the International Journal of Psychology & Psychological Therapy.
11. Are you a helicopter parent?
A study published in Psychiatric Annals explores the need to maintain extreme control is a narcissistic trait, which can be focused completely on your children, especially if there is no other outlet for your need to control others.
12. Do you tell yourself you deserve that new handbag, sleeve of cookies, or extra drink for having to endure so much?
This is another aspect of resentment having built up in your attitude, and you feel you must reward yourself for enduring the regular everyday routine of life with other people.
13. Do you insist your child take up an activity because you're trying to patch up your disappointment, all the while rationalizing your kid loves it?
Narcissistic parents will often use their children as a function or an ornament, sometimes treating their kids like caregivers, appendages, or confidants. Malignant narcissism can lead to abuse, yet it can also manifest in less egregious forms.
14. Do you ever find yourself comparing and competing with your kids?
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Do you secretly want to win? Most of us fall somewhere between healthy and malignant narcissism, sharing qualities of both depending on our state of mind, vulnerabilities, and life circumstances at a given time. Middle-of-the-spectrum parents will sway toward the unhealthy side when they're confronted with major life stressors, feel empty, out of control, or are working through their childhood issues.
15. Do you ever watch your child interact with their peers and think they are just like you when you were young?
Alternately, have you secretly enjoyed thinking you were more popular or talented at their age? In his 2011 novel When Nietzsche Wept: A Novel of Obsession, Stanford psychiatry professor Irvin D. Yalom wrote, "It is wrong to bear children out of need, wrong to use a child to alleviate loneliness, wrong to provide purpose in life by reproducing another copy of oneself. It is wrong also to seek immortality by spewing one's germ into the future as though sperm contains your consciousness!"
If you recognize yourself in any of the questions above, you don't need to feel discouraged. There are ways you can address your vulnerable areas.
Lisa Schlesinger practices both Psychoanalysis and Psychodynamic psychotherapy. She has been featured in Psychology Today, the Huffington Post, ADAA, and more.