10 Signs You're Married To Someone With A Personality Disorder, According To Mental Health Expert
Signs of mental illness are not always apparent at first.
Drazen Zigic | Shutterstock It is hard to remember a time when the marriage was tranquil. Rather, each year brings more drama, intensity, frustration, distance, and hostility. It might just be that one spouse has a personality disorder. Efforts to improve the situation are temporary and shallow at best. Even though the personality disorder existed during dating, it did not become apparent until marriage.
Here are 10 signs you're married to someone with a personality disorder:
1. Your spouse can't effectively communicate with you
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Often, they can’t make sense of or effectively communicate what is happening in the marriage. The personality disorder (PD) has convinced the spouse that they are the problem with a laundry list of faults, failures, and fears. The spouse develops anxiety, appears distressed, is discouraged, and is even depressed.
Research has found that people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tend to have more tumultuous, chaotic romantic relationships. Such relationships are often marked by stress, conflict, and dysfunction.
Some of the ways that BPD can manifest in a relationship include switching between excessive demands for attention and a sudden withdrawal, severe fear of abandonment, and lying and deception, often caused by the distorted perceptions people with BPD may hold.
2. Your spouse has have multiple versions of themselves
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While the disorder is pervasive (in every environment), it usually takes on a distinctive flare for different people. If the PD wants to impress someone, they are amazingly “on.” But once they become comfortable, the mask is removed and they are contrary.
3. You feel like you're walking on eggshells
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As a result, the spouse becomes good at reading the PD to see what kind of night it is going to be. After a while, the spouse begins to enjoy when the PD is not at home because the atmosphere is lighter and less stressful.
4. Your spouse is resistant change
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PDs will talk about change, but what they mean is that the spouse needs to change to accommodate them. However, the PD doesn’t want the spouse to get psychologically healthy; that might cause them to leave.
Rather, the PD tries to mold the spouse into a more subordinate and subservient position so they have more influence to control. There is something else happening other than poor communication skills.
5. Couples therapy isn't working
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Traditional couples therapy or seminars have little lasting effect on the PD. Most PDs are very good at veering their attention toward their wants and desires while persecuting their spouse. Individual therapy for both, which addresses personality issues and incorporates new boundaries, can be quite effective when both parties want to preserve the marriage.
6. Your spouse continually lies or omits information
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While it may not be very evident, there is a pattern of futile exaggerations, avoidance of sensitive subjects, and omission of key information. Interestingly, the PD often projects these behaviors onto the spouse in an effort to divert the negative attention away from them.
7. Your spouse has a distorted view of reality
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To get some compliance out of a spouse, the PD often resorts to some type of abusive and manipulative behavior. Typical ones include isolating from friends and family, gaslighting, intimidation, coercion, dichotomous thinking, and withholding of money.
According to research, people with PDs may act in a way that is likely to annoy their spouse, or people with PD features are likely to interpret actions by their spouse in a threatening or negative manner.
Individuals with pathological personality features have a greater likelihood of being generally unhappy in their marriage, but more importantly, they may fail to recognize that the source of their unhappiness lies in their way of processing and interacting with the world.
8. Your spouse refuses to accept responsibility
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If spoken at all, the words “I’m sorry” are usually followed by a qualifier like “but you...” There is no real acceptance of responsibility or accountability. It is always the spouse’s fault at some level. Even when a third party points out an issue, that person becomes the latest target for the PD.
9. Your spouse brings unnecessary amounts of stress into the house
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Yet, the PD seems to thrive in such environments. When there is little chaos, they tend to create something out of nothing just to complain about it. There is no lasting satisfaction. Temporary peace is achieved only when the PD gets its way.
10. Your spouse has an 'all about them' attitude
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It is about how they feel, what they think, and why they do what they do. The only time the conversation turns towards the spouse is to accuse or cast blame. Their emotions, thoughts, actions, and perceptions are always right. This results in a superior attitude which makes true intimacy impossible.
This is not a marriage, it is an inequitable partnership.
The PD may say they want a healthy marriage, but their actions frequently create an unsafe environment for the spouse to be transparent. This can be resolved in a more balanced manner but it requires significant effort and commitment from both.
There are several types of personality disorders (PD): paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive. Each has its own flare of ego-centered behavior, inflexibility, distortion, and impulse control In multiple environments beginning in adolescence.
Christine Hammond, LMHC, NCC is a leading mental health influencer, author, and guest speaker. She is the award-winning author of The Exhausted Woman's Handbook.