15 Signs A Friend Adds Value To Your Life, According To Psychology
Being a good friend means showing up, no matter what.
digitalskillet | Canva The other day on social media, one of my friends linked to an article from the New York Times that suggested half of our friends might not be our friends at all.
That is, we might think someone is our friend, but when asked, they might not claim us as a friend. Worse, they might not even like us.
In her post, my friend offered to private message anyone who wanted the reassurance of friendship. Of course, she was kidding — but underneath that, aren’t we all just a little bit anxious now about whether our friends like us or not?
So just in case you ever find yourself wondering, here are some ways to know for sure that your friends are your true friends and that they add value to your life.
Here are the signs a friend adds value to your life:
1. They genuinely want to hang out with you
We all have that one person in our lives who we’re constantly planning to have a drink with and never do. If someone is always too busy to get together or constantly flakes out on you, you’re probably not friends. Try acquaintances, or possibly frenemies.
2. They make you feel good about yourself
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Do you know that friend who always makes you feel kind of bad when you’re hanging out, or right after? They might be queens of the backhanded compliment, or maybe just Debbie Downers, but whatever the case, you feel a little sad and sick after seeing these folks. Friends? Not so much.
The ones who leave you feeling like you’re a pretty awesome person to be around? Those are stayers.
Having close friends significantly contributes to feeling good about oneself. Friends provide social support, validation, and a sense of belonging, boosting self-esteem and overall well-being. 2021 research found that positive interactions with friends can act as a buffer against negative emotions and promote a positive self-image.
3. They’re honest with you — but not too honest
It’s nice to know your friends will tell you straight — but there’s no need for brutal truth-telling, even between the best of friends. A real friend cares about your feelings enough to cushion the hardest of truths.
4. They never say “No offense, but…”
Honestly, if anyone ever says this to you, don’t waste your time with them ever again. Ever. That kind of mean girl business should be left back in middle school.
The feeling of offense is not only triggered by honor or public image but is mainly felt in personal affective relationships. No offense, but your statements usually aren’t about me. They are generally about your feelings. A 2018 study concluded that your intentions can’t be well-intended anymore if you know it harms you.
5. They don’t play devil’s advocate
I have one friend who does this, and whenever he does it, I call him out on it. (Of course, it’s a dude.) Playing devil’s advocate is just an excuse to be nasty at worst, and pessimistic at best. Neither has a place in your friendships.
6. They don’t flake on plans
Sure, everyone gets busy sometimes and needs to change plans — especially if they suffer from anxiety, are a single parent, or have some other extenuating circumstance. But if someone is constantly flaking, it’s time to reevaluate whether they’re your friend.
7. They speak well of you to others
Doesn’t it feel great when someone tells you they heard something nice about you? A good friend will brag about you to other people. If they like you, they won’t want to keep it to themselves — they’ll tell the world how awesome you are.
8. They don’t gossip about you
On the other hand, there’s no worse feeling than hearing that someone said something nasty about you. Gossip always gets back to the person who was talked about, in some form or another.
Always. If you’re a real friend, you just don’t do it. And if someone is your real friend, they won’t do it to you, either. Having friends who don't gossip about you is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, fostering trust, and promoting overall well-being, as gossip can damage your reputation, create social tension, and negatively impact your self-esteem.
A study published by Social Networks suggests that the threat of being gossiped about can act as a deterrent against negative behaviors within a group, encouraging cooperation and positive social norms.
9. They keep your secrets
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A true friend can be trusted with your biggest and scariest secrets. And not only will they keep those secrets, but they’ll also still like you, no matter what skeletons they know you have hiding out in your closet.
10. They’re happy to do different things together
The friend who only ever wants to have a drink after work. The friend who’s only available to talk on the phone when her husband is out of town. The friend who only texts you when you have an extra concert ticket.
These are unlikely to be real friends. True friends show up for cocktails and dinners, but they also help you move, babysit your kids, celebrate your new job, and come to your dad’s funeral.
Having friends who are happy to engage in various activities is crucial for overall well-being. 2023 research concluded that it fosters a strong social connection, allows for diverse experiences, and can contribute to personal growth by exposing individuals to new interests and perspectives. While having diverse shared activities is essential, having friends who share some common interests is also valuable for a deeper connection.
11. You’ve met their family and other friends
When someone is an important part of your life, you bring them into your whole life. You don’t exclude them from certain activities or events, or keep them from meeting the other people in your life. If you call someone a friend, but you’ve never met any of their other friends or family members, chances are, that ‘friendship’ is not reciprocal.
12. You know you can count on them
Good friends are there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse. And the very best of girlfriends still make you a priority even after they’re married, have babies, or take on career responsibilities.
Having friends you can rely on demonstrates that strong social connections, particularly with close friends, contribute significantly to happiness, well-being, and even longevity by providing emotional support, reducing stress, and enhancing self-esteem. A 2018 study found that knowing you can count on your friends buffers against life's challenges and promotes a sense of belonging.
13. You like being with them
When it comes right down to it, do you like being with this person? Do they make you laugh, and lift you when you’re down? Do you feel comfortable with them, like you can be yourself? Then you’re probably friends. Trust your gut. It knows who your friends are.
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