10 Signs You Might Be An ‘Echoist’ — The Polar Opposite Of A Narcissist
If you're constantly running into similar situations or relationships, it might be time to address your echoism.
Bogdan Sonjachnyj | Shutterstock The opposite of narcissism, coined by psychoanalyst Dean Davis in 2005 as “echoism,” is an experience that causes many people to avoid attention, “people please” to detrimental lengths, and fear being perceived as selfish. Echoists actively put other people’s needs and emotions above their own to “prove” their selflessness, even at their own expense.
Often battling insecurity and unmet childhood needs, echoists don’t victimize themselves or shift blame in the face of confrontation but misguidedly blame themselves — taking on the accountability of being the perpetrator, even when they’re experiencing trauma. There are several signs you might be an echoist — the polar opposite of a narcissist — in your life, like the book “Echoism: The Silenced Response to Narcissism” suggests, that are inherently related to your relationships, unresolved traumas, and psychological traits you’ve adopted to cope.
Here are 10 signs you might be an ‘echoist’ – the polar opposite of a narcissist
1.Your friends have narcissistic tendencies.
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According to psychodynamic therapist Lynn Strathdee, many echoists have developed a tendency to attract and maintain relationships with narcissistic people — often as a result of growing up with a narcissistic parent and constantly attending to their needs. They’ve developed a habit of fulfilling other people’s needs and repressing their own emotions to help others — to the point where it defines their happiness, comfort, and identity to do so.
Considering narcissists resort to attention-seeking behavior and echoists generally avoid being the center of attention, at least according to the Newport Institute, they tend to gravitate towards each other and benefit toxically in their ways from maintaining a relationship.
2.You have unresolved childhood trauma.
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Echoism is a trait, not necessarily a disease, as expert Pat Streep argues in a Psychology Today exploration, so it often develops in response to a traumatic event or relationship. Usually stemming from childhood trauma or closeness with a narcissistic parent, echoists continue to seek out people who appreciate their toxic coping mechanisms and behaviors — whether they’re consciously aware of it or not.
Resorting to people-pleasing tendencies to overcompensate for unmet needs in their childhood, echoists struggle to acknowledge and heal from their trauma, as it informs their coping mechanisms and fulfillment in toxic relationships into adulthood.
3.You’ve had multiple toxic romantic partners.
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The cycle of unresolved childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent doesn’t just manifest in friendships and self-esteem issues for echoists in adulthood; it also tends to repeat itself in their romantic partners. They seek out partners that are self-centered and selfish, both so they don’t have to address their own emotions and to engage in an all-encompassing relationship that can feel misguidedly assuring and secure for echoists with anxious attachment styles.
This cycle continues until their trauma is addressed and they unlearn their harmful people-pleasing behaviors by cutting off toxic relationships — a more complex and life-changing feat than many are willing to attempt.
4.You have a poor work life balance.
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Narcissistic bosses at work might also latch onto you if you’re an echoist, recognizing that they can take advantage of your productivity without repercussions by adding more projects to your workload. You may also be more attracted to toxic “family-like” dynamics in the workplace, like abuse recovery coach Katia Beeden argues they are common with narcissistic leaders, drawn in by the distraction and all-encompassing nature of their culture.
By becoming an “overachiever” at work and sacrificing your time, energy, and well-being for your team’s success, echoists feed into their toxic tendency to repress emotions and self-sabotage their interests. They’re essentially overworking themselves as a misguided coping mechanism for appeasing others and ignoring their needs.
5.You use up your energy on other people.
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Echoists who do not invest in their self-interests and identities struggle to find the time and energy to put into their passion projects because they already use that energy to help others pursue their own. Whether it’s a personal relationship or work dynamic, you feel empowered to help others—spending your creative and innovative energy providing solutions for the people in your life rather than yourself.
It’s not necessarily a conscious decision, either. Many echoists have never been given the space to figure out what they want, need, or feel passionate about, so they are drawn (and guilted into) helping others with clearer plans.
6.You avoid alone time and have a full calendar.
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According to psychologist and researcher Craig Malkin, echoists feel more comfortable when others dominate the attention and space in a room. They’d prefer to invest all their energy and time into helping others achieve, feel comfortable, and attract attention rather than “burdening” them with their emotions and needs.
When confronted with situations or experiences completely alone, they struggle. They have repressed all their emotions for the sake of others without any healthy coping mechanisms for addressing them when they have the space to erupt. They’ve never been made to feel special or heard, so when they’re alone, they’re guilted by feelings of “not doing enough” for others.
7.You redirect attention away from yourself.
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Having spent the majority of their lives dismissing praise and blaming themselves when they’re treated poorly, echoists prefer to make other people the center of attention, fearful that they’ll be labeled as the “narcissists” they subconsciously loathe.
Echoists are labeled as “the opposite side of the narcissistic coin” by experts like psychologist Paul or @psychologyanswered on TikTok, as their partners, friends, and parents experience an addiction to feeling special while they actively avoid it. With this intrinsic need to unhealthily support others, they tend to attract narcissists who prefer to celebrate themselves, pouring into a toxic cycle of unhealthy relationships that reinforce their behaviors.
8.You feel inherent guilt, sometimes for no practical reason.
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Self-blame is an action that many echoists inherently adopt as both a means to craft themselves as the perpetrator of their abuse and to help their narcissistic partners, friends, and parents to victimize themselves. The guilt that they burden themselves with and allow their toxic relationships to support demands to be explained — and they do so by crafting this misguided narrative.
You might’ve learned to silence your voice as a child to avoid confrontation, or your parents might’ve directly blamed you, even though they're the ones who were supposed to support and protect you. All of these experiences feed into the signs you might be an echoist — the polar opposite of a narcissist.
9.You tend to end relationships quickly and self-sabotage casual connections.
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While echoists tend to be taken advantage of in their connections with selfish people, they’re not always capable of repressing their emotions. Suppose they’re healthily appreciated or celebrated by a new friend or partner. In that case, they may resort to self-sabotage and grow resentful, frustrated, or angry with that person for making them the center of attention.
The guilt and shame they’ve been taught to hold onto manifest as an avoidance of healthy connections—even if they’re casual. They seek all-consuming relationships that demand their full attention and the repression of their own needs, so they quickly sabotage or end relationships that don’t fulfill that experience.
10.You wear plain clothes and maintain a monotonous routine.
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As psychologist Craig Malkin explains, based on his own experiences with echoist patients, they often develop their unhealthy traits directly from their narcissistic parent's behaviors and attitudes.
“[Their parents] pass on the fear that any special attention — wanting unique clothes, dreaming big, asking for more — is the height of arrogance and selfishness,” he admits. “Whenever temperamentally sensitive children are punished for wanting special attention, they’re apt to become echoists.”
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.