Secret Service Agent Shares How To Deal With People Who Disrespect You
“I’m the one who sets the tone.”
Pexels | Canva Pro When someone disrespects you, whether it’s directly or indirectly, it's often difficult to know how to properly respond.
Some individuals aren’t afraid of confrontation and will address the issue head-on, but this approach can escalate into a larger problem if not delivered carefully. Others are less likely to confront those who cross them, which will only continue a pattern of disrespect.
A former Secret Service agent shared how people should deal with people who disrespect them.
Evy Poumpouras is an American journalist and author who served as a U.S. Secret Service Special Agent for 12 years. She was recently a guest on The Diary Of A CEO podcast with Steven Bartlett.
A fan page of the podcast posted a snippet of their conversation on TikTok. In the video, Bartlett asked Poumpouras, “When you’ve been disrespected, how do you deal with that?”
Her response elicited an emotionally mature approach, advising individuals to look inward before anything else.
“The first thing I’m going to do is I’m going to flip it back,” she answered. “What have you done to let people think that they can do that to you? What standards have you created or what things have you set up to let people think, ‘I don’t have to deliver on time, I can be disrespectful, I can show up late for work.’”
Poumpouras argued that when others feel comfortable showing you disrespect, it likely has more to do with the environment you’ve created and the actions you’ve taken than anything else. This is because when someone asserts standards and boundaries from a place of authority, others will know to respect them or face consequences.
The tone you set in your environment reflects the respect you will receive.
Poumpouras shared a piece of advice she learned from interviewing former CIA chief of station, John Franchi.
She said Franchi told her that it’s easier to lead with authority and strict boundaries and “pull back” over time than to lead with a relaxed approach and later try to enforce boundaries.
“The latter doesn’t work,” she reiterated. “He’s like, ‘You do the first, you let people know what you expect of them, and then you can pull back a little bit. But you always have to tow that line.”
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This advice can certainly apply to countless individuals in authoritative roles, but there is always that “outlier,” someone who has the habit of exhibiting disrespect regardless of the assertiveness of their environment.
In these instances of disrespect, Poumpouras advised individuals to address the issue “as soon as it happens.”
“What people do is they don’t address things, they let it go, it’s small,” she said. “And then it happens again … and then we become resentful. Why does this person keep doing it? Why don’t they self-correct?”
“Again, it goes back to me. Why haven't I addressed it?” she added. “People are afraid of conflict.”
Fear of conflict is a root cause of experiencing continual disrespect.
While, of course, no one asks to be disrespected, and everyone is going to encounter disrespect from time to time, it can be redirected when addressed immediately.
However, when people fear addressing the issue, this creates an avalanche of disrespectful actions, which is then more challenging to tackle.
While the idea of confrontation is intimidating for many, you have the power to address conflict from a place of maturity and poise that will in turn encourage others to respect you.
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"You have to think of conflict as 'I’m competing, I can speak to you and not raise my voice, not make it ugly, and debate something with you,'" Poumpouras said.
In essence, there are ways to take your power back during disrespectful instances, but you must remain emotionally mature and grounded in your values. By exemplifying civil attributes combined with an authoritative and self-assured nature, others will feel your energy and give you the respect you deserve.
As Poumpouras suggested, look inward during moments of disrespect and evaluate how you might be contributing to these uncomfortable experiences. Take action sooner rather than later, and learn from your mistakes, as they offer the most valuable learning experiences.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.