Renter Wonders If He’s Wrong For Declining To Help Neighbors Care For An Elderly Couple In His New Apartment Complex
"I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s caregiver."
Ground Picture | Shutterstock After moving into a new apartment complex, a renter was perplexed to discover an unusual expectation of all of the tenants. He learned that everyone in his building helps an elderly couple on the first floor, but he wasn't willing to take on the job of caregiver.
The renter declined to help his neighbors care for an elderly couple living in his new apartment complex.
"After recently splitting with my wife, I moved into an apartment in a six-unit apartment building," the man wrote to Slate's advice column "Dear Prudence." "The day I moved in, a neighbor, 'Amanda,' introduced herself, explaining that everyone in the building helps out the elderly couple on the first floor because they have mobility issues."
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The man agreed, admitting that he expected to merely take out their trash every once in a while, or perhaps clean the snow off their car during the winter months. He was shocked to learn that he was expected to take on far more than the usual neighborly duties.
"Turns out, this isn’t about neighborly helpfulness. It’s an obligation. Amanda presented me with a chore calendar!" he wrote. "I asked what would happen if I was out of town when, say, I was expected to do their shopping. No problem, Amanda said. Just ask to swap 'duties' with someone else."
He admitted that the list of chores is just too demanding.
"I want to be a helpful person, but I have work, my kids, and life, and I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s caregiver," the man continued, adding that he emailed his landlord asking if this was an expectation for all tenants. If so, he asked for it to be written into his lease and reflected within his rent. After all, caregiving is a job.
His landlord, however, responded that it was not an obligation and that "she didn’t want to get involved."
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Now, he's concerned that he will be viewed by his neighbors as a jerk if he refuses to help the elderly couple. Still, he's unwilling to take on unpaid labor simply because he happened to move into their building.
The renter is not obligated to help the couple.
Traditionally, rental agreements do not come with chore charts, and it's undeniably jarring that this one did. It's certainly a kind gesture that the other tenants have banded together to provide support for this elderly couple, but it shouldn't be expected for every new tenant that moves into the apartment complex to do the same.
Considering he has his own life to tend to, it's understandable that he doesn't want to take on more responsibilities for people he doesn't know. Being a caregiver is hard work, even if it is divided between neighbors.
The renter was advised by Slate's advice columnist to politely decline helping the couple by listing the reasons why he cannot, whether it's because his job is too demanding or he has to spend time with his kids. "Or make up your own excuse, with my permission to base it on a lie," she added. "However you explain yourself, you should absolutely pass on this. You don’t want to get involved, which is reason enough on its own."
The columnists pointed out that volunteering is different than being "voluntold," which is what happened in his case. Not to mention, "the demanding, clueless way in which your neighbor approached you is a major red flag and precursor for annoying, invasive, boundary-crossing, making-you-feel-terrorized-in-your-own-building behavior."
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
