People Who Have A Hard Time Keeping Friends As They Get Older Usually Have These 11 Reasons
At some point, a friendship may not be sustainable any longer.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock People who have close friends are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression, according to research from the American Journal of Psychiatry. But many friendships come and go, seemingly ending despite two people growing so close. While there are a variety of reasons people who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older usually have, it's not always as simple as growing apart.
When friendships end, it can feel like the world is ending or that you're losing your true bestie. However, the causes for friendship breakups is endless, especially as adults. From not tolerating boundary-crossing to focusing on more important things in life, keeping a friendship alive isn't as easy as it once was.
Here are 11 reasons people who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older usually have
1. Their focus has pivoted
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People who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older usually struggle as a result of their focus changing. As people grow up, the things that once mattered to them no longer take priority. From staying out late to enjoying a relaxing weekend away, these things aren't as important when people get married or start a family.
Just because someone has moved on to the next chapter of their life, it doesn't mean they should cut everyone off. After all, having a strong support system is the greatest way to keep their mental health in check. According to research published in Frontiers in Psychology, having a strong support system improves mental well-being.
Still, sometimes life gets too busy and friends take a back seat. During these times, friendships grow strained as one person may refuse to communicate these changes, causing friction in their once-healthy relationships. If someone truly wants to keep their adult relationships intact, it's best to openly and honestly communicate those needs; otherwise, their friends might take it the wrong way and distance themselves.
2. They don't have as much free time
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When life gets busy between work, moving, planning a wedding, or taking care of a family, it might be nearly impossible to meet up with friends. As a result, people who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older struggle because they don't know how to manage their time properly and make their friends feel ignored.
Understandably, people have different priorities in their lives, and the ability to spend one-on-one time together feels difficult. On one hand, they want to hang out and spend time together, but on the other, their schedules are too chaotic, causing them to unintentionally distance themselves.
However, there are ways to make time for friends. From FaceTiming for 30 minutes to meeting up during lunch, friends are more than willing to meet halfway if people are more upfront and honest about what they need. As psychotherapist Nancy Colier said, "When we are honest about what we need, the response forces us to look at the truth of the friendship, its limitlessness as well as its limits."
3. They're struggling with a work-life balance
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According to research from the International Journal of Business Law and Education, poor work-life balance often leads to burnout. While a boost in a company's earnings is great, many companies forget that their employees have their own lives outside of work. Unfortunately, this can decrease their employee's productivity, motivation, and performance as they find it increasingly more difficult to maintain their friendships and relationships.
People who are burnt out have trouble sleeping, suffer from anxiety, and find it difficult to be present for the people they love most, which includes their friends. It feels like the world is crashing down when they can't manage their careers and personal lives, and they will fall behind on communication.
4. They no longer have anything in common
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When people discover who they are, they begin to explore different hobbies and have new interests. They form connections with other people who have similar interests and a friendship blossoms from there.
But as time goes on and people drift apart, it becomes increasingly harder to keep a friendship intact. Even worse, coming back together and bonding might be difficult too as both people realize they have nothing in common anymore.
While keeping stable, healthy friendships is great for a person's well-being, according to the American Psychological Association, it's equally important to not force a friendship that's clearly no longer working. Not only will this bring forth unnecessary stress, but in the end, it will likely make both people miserable.
5. They don't live in proximity to their friends
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When people transition from adolescence into adulthood, it's normal for them to move away from college or work. No longer feeling confined to the place they grew up in or went to school, they change locations, which means they leave their friends at a considerable physical distance.
While it's entirely possible to remain friends with someone who lives far away, proximity is actually essential for many relationships. According to licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, "The more we are exposed to someone, the more we tend to develop positive feelings about them. But if the key to the friendship is proximity, moving to a new desk or a new home may signal the end of the friendship."
Despite this, there are still ways to keep a friendship going even if they're thousands of miles apart. By texting, talking on video chat, and doing their best to make plans to meet up, no distance can keep two friends apart if they try.
6. They've lost trust in their friends
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One of the saddest reasons people who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older usually have is a loss of trust in their friendship. Early on in the friendship, they likely never noticed the red flags. Whether it's clingy behavior or unfounded jealousy, these behaviors eventually impacted their ability to trust their friends.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, PhD, "Trust is one of the most crucial building blocks of becoming emotionally intimate with someone; it's absolutely fundamental for a healthy, close relationship." That goes for romantic relationships and platonic ones, too.
But trust can be incredibly easy to lose, and it becomes harder for people wanting to distance themselves to keep up the charade. They can't be vulnerable with their friends or trust them with secrets, but rather than deal with the drama and uncertainty, some choose to slowly create distance.
7. Their friends over-step their boundaries
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If someone is a true friend, they only want what's best for their closest circle. They have strict expectations about the people their friends date or associate with, and give their friends advice on how they can best live their lives. But when boundaries are crossed, it can cause a rift in the friendship.
If someone thinks their friend deserves better, they may air their opinions or try to force their friend to think the same way. And if that's a boundary their friend has already set, they're putting distance between the two. Nobody likes to feel controlled in a friendship, as it can easily lead to being more stressed and anxious. And according to the American Psychological Association, stress leads to physical health issues.
People on the receiving end of a friendship should ensure that their future relationships have healthy boundaries set in place. While expressing concern and wanting what's best is admirable, nobody should feel controlled by a friend.
8. They feel like they're the only ones putting in effort
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There's no worse feeling than being in a one-sided relationship. People want to feel important, understood, and welcomed, which is why feeling rejected hurts so badly. And when only one friend is reaching out, making plans and trying to connect, but the other person isn't, it indicates that there's an improper balance.
According to psychologist C. Nathan DeWall, PhD, being socially rejected often leads to anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness. When people who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older, they may feel as if they're the only ones trying to maintain the relationship. Friends who don't text back, make an effort to call, or even catch up are constantly showing how little they care.
9. There's unresolved conflict
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The quickest way to damage a friendship is to refuse to communicate. Like it or not, communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, as misunderstandings and miscommunication can quickly turn a once healthy friendship into a complete disaster.
Unresolved conflict, either as a result of a lack of communication or a fight that was never cleared up, is one of the big reasons people who have a hard time keeping friends as they get older usually have.
Many don't realize just how much trauma can be involved in a friendship. If people have been friends for years, it's safe to say that emotional dependency might be high at some point, and with that comes inevitable toxic behavior. As a study from BioMed Research International found, emotional dependency can lead to aggressive behavior.
10. They're emotionally exhausted by the friendship
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When people discuss emotional exhaustion, they often point to family, jobs, or toxic exes. Yet rarely do people discuss how emotionally draining their toxic friends are. From crying about their own personal relationship problems non-stop to expecting their friends to be there for them all day, toxic people are emotionally draining.
Early on in a friendship, people may not notice the red flags that present themselves. They might expect their friends to act a certain way when they're getting to know each other, but as people grow older, those red flags become way more noticeable.
No longer naive, people can pinpoint the friend who actively engages in toxic behaviors or disrespect their boundaries. While cutting people off is difficult, at the end of the day, people can't blame their friends for doing what's best for themselves.
11. They're constantly switching friend groups
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Some people don't know what they want and are chameleons by nature. Switching interests quickly or making impulsive decisions, this often leads to them finding new friends when their old friends no longer serve their best interests. Whether that's because they grow bored or want to be more social, these individuals struggle to develop and maintain a lasting friendship.
According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it takes 50 hours to move from acquaintances to casual friends and more than 200 hours to be considered someone's close friend. If someone finds themselves with no friends, sticking to one or two people and investing time in them might be the answer. Otherwise, they might unintentionally make themselves lonely by constantly hopping from friend group to friend group.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
