12 Rare Traits That Make Strangers Instantly Like You, According To Psychology
Building long-term relationships and connections starts with a first impression.
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock We're all desperate for connection, especially today with rates of loneliness and isolation at an all-time high amongst many generations. While fulfilling long-term relationships and platonic friendships might be the root of that yearning, all of that connection starts with first impressions and making strangers like you from the beginning.
Sometimes, the seemingly rare traits that make strangers instantly like you, according to psychology experts from the book "The Effect of Perceived Liking" can be as simply as showing another person that you like them. Sometimes, when people feel seen and accepted, they're more likely to reciprocate that positive energy; however, other times, it can be harder than ever to capture someone's attention and truly connect with them.
Here are 12 rare traits that make strangers instantly like you, according to psychology
1. Being an active listener
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Everyone is yearning for a sense of belonging, even with strangers they're meeting for the first time, but sometimes our communication styles make it difficult to truly connect. Like leadership coach Lynette Baker argues, we can meet this innate human need for connection with healthy dialogue that starts with mastering the art of active listening.
By asking thoughtful and genuine questions, listening instead of thinking about what to say, and opening up your body language, you can help to make other people feel heard and understood during your interactions. By letting your ego and attention-seeking behaviors go, you make space for genuine and honest connection without judgment.
2. Mastering the art of 'mirroring'
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According to research from Administrative Science Quarterly, pre-existing relationships often find a comfortable and productive balance for communication by utilizing a practice called "linguistic mirroring" where people mimic body language, phrases, and content in conversation.
Not only does this help to strengthen trust and convincingness in workplace relationships — especially between a boss and their team — it can help people to feel accepted and heard in personal conversations as well.
People that are instantly likable in conversations with strangers often master this "mirroring" technique, repeating similar questions, mimicking body language, and adopting conversational styles of their partners, even if they're personally unfamiliar with them. This helps to promote likability, as master mirror conversationalists not only understand how to best communicate with others, but how other people process and respond to information.
3. Smiling and having a warm demeanor
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A study by the University of Kansas found that smiling reduces bodily responses to stress and anxiety, as the act of grinning sparks a chemical reaction in the brain releasing positive mood-enhancing hormones like dopamine and serotonin. Not only does smiling help to boost your personal mood and general well-being, it also helps other people to relay similarly positive emotions.
Psychiatrist Dr. Eva Ritzo argues that our internal "mirror neurons" urge us to reflect and copy the behaviors of people around us. If someone is smiling and upbeat, we're drawn to reciprocate similar emotions and behaviors. It's the foundation for empathy. We want to intentionally mirror and feel understood by others, sometimes without even realizing it.
4. Not seeking validation or attention
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The art of being likable to strangers starts with giving them the space to speak and feel understood. If we're controlling a conversation, talking over them, or trying to impress others, the chance that they actually feel valued is low. People who prioritize their own attention-seeking behaviors to get validation for others often unknowingly dominate conversations, spotlighting themselves rather than their conversational partner.
According to licensed psychologist Kendra Kubala, seeking validation from others, even in a passing conversation, can be a sign of low self-esteem and insecurity. Ironically, achieving the level of likability these people crave starts with letting go of control over other people's opinions, sparking a sense of confidence and self-assuredness that gives other people the chance to talk, express their own emotions, and connect with you.
5. Having positive body language
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You can easily revolutionize your passing conversations with strangers by mastering the art of positive and welcoming body language, whether it's smiling, casual and appropriate physical touch, or using hand gestures. Nonverbal communication is just as important and impactful on your ability to be instantly likable as your phrases, language, and verbal communication style.
Life coach Robyn Wahlgast says there's one specific body language tactic that can genuinely improve your conversations and help you to achieve the level of connection you're yearning for: fixing your posture. By maintaining a comfortable and casual posture, the kind that experts suggest is most sustainable, you not only look more confident and self-assured, but welcoming and approachable to others.
6. Being good at first impressions
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According to leadership expert Carol Kinsey Goman, it only takes people 7 seconds to decide whether or not they like you in conversation, so mastering the art of making a great first impression is one of the most important rare traits that make strangers instantly like you, according to psychology.
Rooted in positive nonverbal and verbal cues, genuinely positive body language, and a balanced energy, it's definitely not easy to win over a stranger, but it can be greatly impactful to building a foundation for healthy and positive future interactions.
7. Balancing intentionality and playfulness
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While there are plenty of hard-hitting communication styles and tips that are ingrained in our physical and mental well-being, like family therapist Amy Smith explains, not all of the rare traits that make strangers instantly like you, according to psychology, are unsuspecting or confusing. If you can prioritize being playful and fun in passing conversations, drawing on positivity and humor, other people will feel encouraged to mirror that energy.
The most likable people find a healthy balance in their conversations, even with strangers, between intentional vulnerability and genuine playfulness. They can support and listen to other people's intense emotions, make appropriate jokes, and go right back to talking about what they had for breakfast — giving everyone a chance to feel comfortable.
Even something as simple as thanking someone for their time or expressing passing gratitude to a stranger can be impactful for connection and emotional health, at least according to a study from American Psychologist.
8. Being consistent and reliable
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While being chronically late can arguably have positive health outcomes, according to Harvard Medical School studies, as these people don't tend to be overly stressed about being on time, being reliable (and of course, on time) is incredibly important for cultivating trust and general satisfaction in relationships — no matter how casual they are.
For example, if you're meeting a professional peer at work for the first time and you cancel last-minute or show up late, you're already setting a bad first impression. On the contrary, showing up early and greeting this peer with a positive and empowered attitude can have the opposite effect, giving you a chance to continue building a connection with them on a more positive note.
Even consistency in a conversation can be a rare trait in likable people, as they give other people the space to share, express their own emotions, and ask questions, rather than consistently dominating the narrative of an interaction.
9. Humility
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According to social psychologist Dr. Darl Van Tongeren, humility has three main parts: knowing yourself, checking yourself, and going beyond yourself. By recognizing your own strengths and weaknesses, regulating your ego and validation-seeking behaviors, and prioritizing an empathetic approach to conversations with others, you can master the art of humility that cultivates self-awareness and likability.
Confidence, illuminated through selflessness and body language in conversations, is important, but humility is even more influential in healthily interacting with others, whether it's a stranger in a grocery store or our partner.
10. Being vulnerable in conversations
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Just because you're interacting with someone for the first time doesn't mean you can't connect with them, have an intimate conversation, or harbor a sense of trust. According to licensed clinical psychologist Bethany Juby, channeling vulnerability in conversations can not only help other people to feel comfortable and heard expressing their own emotions, but can cultivate a sense of self-compassion and internal trust that's massively influential for your mental and physical well-being.
It's difficult to learn expressions of vulnerability, especially if you've struggled with harmful coping mechanisms, emotional repression, or have unresolved childhood trauma, but prioritizing making space to practice it (even in professional settings like therapy) can help you to make better, more fulfilling connections.
11. Having a good sense of humor
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Balancing intentionality and playfulness with humor is one of the rare traits that make strangers instantly like you, according to psychology experts at the Stanford Business School. Humor is a "secret weapon," like these experts suggest, that can both foster trust in conversations and energetically bond people to you.
Even in anxiety-inducing situations like a professional meeting or a first date, utilizing humor not as a toxic coping mechanism for diversion, but as an intentional means to connect, can set a positive tone for a conversation and future connection.
12. Not being afraid to take accountability for mistakes
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If you had a bad first impression or were distracted when you met someone, there's profound power in taking accountability for those moments. When you set aside your ego and validation-seeking behaviors and instead take the blame for your own mistakes or shortcomings, you establish a sense of trust in a connection that's incredibly important (and necessary) for growth.
While less likable people may resort to blame-shifting or distraction, people who want to intentionally connect with others aren't afraid to take responsibility and set a precedent for future interactions.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.