Take This 8-Question Quiz To Find Out If You’re Secretly Hard To Be Around
You might think you're easy-going, but others may disagree.
Kues | Shutterstock In all successful relationships — whether with family, friends, or coworkers — it's vital that each person honestly examine their behavior and be willing to discuss it and change. In this spirit, I find it useful to regularly assess how we're relating to others, specifically, if our behavior may be draining.
There are different types of draining people you may encounter. But inevitably, we've all got a bit of emotionally draining behavior in us, especially when we're stressed. So, give yourself a break. It's admirable to admit, "I think I'm draining people. What can I do?" You can't begin to make changes in your life without this type of honesty. The solution is to own up to where you may be draining and then change the behavior.
Take this eight-question quiz to find out if you’re secretly hard to be around:
Listed below are some common indications that you're becoming an emotional vampire who's hard to be around. Mark "Yes" or "No" for each of the questions and give yourself one point for every "Yes" response.
- Do people avoid you or glaze over during a conversation? Yes / No
- Are you self-obsessed? Yes / No
- Are you often negative? Yes / No
- Do you gossip or badmouth people? Yes / No
- Are you critical and/or controlling? Yes / No
- Are you a drama queen or king? Yes / No
- Do you corner people and tell them your whole life story? Yes / No
- Are you in an emotional black hole, but won't get help? Yes / No
Results of the quiz: Give each "yes" response one point and count up your score.
Your score: 0 points
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Congratulations! There are no signs that you are secretly hard to be around.
Your score: 1 point
This behavior could be draining others. Start being mindful of when you do this and begin to shift the behavior. Then see if people are relieved.
Your score: 2 points
These are warning signs that you may be becoming emotionally draining to others. Ask yourself what is motivating you to engage in these draining behaviors and move forward to make positive changes.
Your score: 3 points
You are showing some secretly hard-to-be-around tendencies.
It is time to compassionately examine your behaviors and begin to make a change. Do not beat yourself up. Be proud that you can be emotionally honest and want to be more positive.
Your score: 4 points
You are showing moderate tendencies that are secretly hard to be around.
Take a breath. Begin to tackle each behavior individually over time and take baby steps to change. For instance, if you tend to be self-obsessed, you can begin to ask others about themselves. Celebrate every change you make to be supportive.
Your score: 5 points
You are showing moderate-to-strong behaviors that are hard to be around.
You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior such as nagging or being critical. Then you can begin to be mindful of when you fall into it and start to change.
Your score: 6 points
You are showing strong behaviors that. are hard-to-be-around .
You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior, such as being negative, but being unwilling to get help. Seriously consider their suggestions about how to improve your communication. Be compassionate with yourself all along the way.
Your score: 7 points
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You are showing strong to extremely hard-to-be-around behaviors.
Be kind to yourself and set out to make small changes to improve one behavior at a time.
Your score: 8 points
You have extremely hard-to-be-around behaviors that can be draining for others in your life.
Commend yourself for your honesty, but begin to understand what motivates you. Is it fear? Feeling less-than? Anger?
Don't hesitate to ask for help from friends who can offer honest feedback or a therapist. People around you will appreciate the positive changes you make.
The remedy for these draining behaviors is to start shifting your attitude. Journaling about this can help. Ask yourself:
- Is there a particular trigger that creates the situation?
- If so, then how can you avoid the trigger?
- How can you become aware of when you fall into this attitude?
- Are there people you respect who could help you?"
Now, write out an action plan to shift these attitudes. Remember to be kind to yourself and begin with small changes. Draining behaviors are often associated with anxiety and getting stuck ruminating on the past or future, as suggested by a 2018 study. Taking action can help solve the problem quickly, as opposed to many people who are secretly hard to be around and stay stuck in patterns for years.
One of my patients in computer graphics kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations and diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments.
Similarly, whenever I slip into hard-to-be-around mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior, or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist, so I can change. Don't hesitate to seek assistance when you're stumped. I promise: your relatives, friends, and coworkers will appreciate your efforts, and your relationships will dramatically improve.
Judith Orloff, MD, is a psychiatrist and intuitive healer on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty. She is also the NY Times bestselling author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, Thriving as an Empath, and Emotional Freedom.
