8 Quiet Ways People Get Revenge Without Getting Caught
Look out for these secretly vengeful people in your life.
MiniMoon Photo | Shutterstock An investigation on the social psychology of revenge from the research journal Social and Psychology Personality Compass defines revenge as a way to exchange messages and meanings — it's a complex, chaotic, and oftentimes unhealthy means of communication. While some experts suggest there's some potential upsides to utilizing revenge in toxic relationships or situations, the deterrents for vengeful behavior far outweigh any helpful utilization of it.
In some situations, vengeful people make their envy and sabotage well-known, but in others, there are quiet ways people get revenge without getting caught. By recognizing these tendencies and behaviors, you can ensure that you're cultivating a healthy inner circle, filled with relationships that enrich rather than devalue your life.
Here are 8 quiet ways people get revenge without getting caught
1. They start rumors or gossip
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While research has found that gossip can be healthy in very specific scenarios, the majority of rumors sparked by resentful and vengeful people are intended to be damaging. Whether it's eroding trust in a relationship, harming someone's reputation, or desperately trying to spark stress and anxiety in someone's life, gossip in the wrong hands can be one of the quiet ways people get revenge without getting caught.
Of course, gossiping behind people's backs and spreading hurtful rumors might keep a vengeful person from getting caught, but it hardly protects them from the karmic negative energy that's sure to return to them eventually.
2. They fake friendliness
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According to psychologist Mark Travers Ph.D., people who fake positive attitudes or pretend to give great advice are not just harming other people struggling, but affecting their own confidence and identity along the way.
So, while they might be quietly vengeful towards another person by trying to assert superiority over them with fake success and happiness, they're only going to end up confused, disconnected, and isolated in the end. Of course, be wary of the people in your life who are always doing better than you, especially if they're keen to point it out, as they're likely trying to make you feel worse.
3. They overstep boundaries
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Although experts like Yolanda Renteria, a licensed professional counselor, argue that constantly setting boundaries in a relationship can be a form of self-deception and avoidance in its own right, many vengeful people will sabotage relationships with their own selfish behaviors.
People who seek revenge quietly know that their tendency to overstep specific boundaries in relationships causes other people stress and emotional harm, yet they use this to their advantage. They manipulate other people into thinking they're suffering at the hands of their own incompetencies in protecting their space.
4. They strategically express ignorance
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Willful ignorance in relationships is both a form of self-sabotage and quiet revenge, as it's an active decision to avoid becoming informed on another person's emotions, situations, or struggles to avoid accountability when they're called out for failing to support or intervene.
While it might be obvious to some people that their partners or friends are expressing intentional ignorance, research from the journal Philosophical Studies argues that many of them are using ignorance as a means of self-deception. They're subconsciously avoiding responsibility for their actions and, in turn, sacrificing the well-being of healthy relationships with others.
5. They stop communicating entirely
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While utilizing "no contact" strategies with toxic relationships in your life can be incredibly healthy and effective in many cases, there are some quiet ways people get revenge without getting caught that revolve around misusing poor communication.
Whether it's answering text messages late, purposely forgetting to return phone calls, or "ghosting" people completely, vengeful people can utilize other people's desire to contact them as a means of manipulation.
If you recognize that communication — or, more importantly, the absence of communication — from someone in your life is disrupting your balance, consider it a sign to reconsider the value of their relationship in your life.
6. They make passive-aggressive comments
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According to a study in the Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies, passive-aggressive behavior isn't just common in personal relationships, it's also incredibly prevalent in workplace dynamics and leadership strategies.
Co-workers can deliberately get quiet revenge on their bosses by making passive-aggressive comments, but also by undermining their leadership authority with poor concern and lacking diligence in their work.
In more personal relationships, like those with a partner or a friend, passive-aggressive comments can work to create a silent sense of mistrust in a connection, creating a sense of unsteadiness or resentment that's not always easy to pinpoint in the moment.
7. They go on with their lives
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Not everyone who "gets revenge" does it intentionally, as this exchange of messages and communication is almost always a two-way street. One party can feel the shame, guilt, and insecurity often associated with vengeful behavior, as a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues, even if the only person is only passively aware of it.
Consider a toxic relationship ending: one person dwells in it, while another metaphorically improves themself. The person "moving on" might find a new partner, start a new job, or even craft a new social media presence. They're moving quietly, and often personally, to achieve their goals, while another watches resentfully.
8. They revisit old conflict uncomfortably late
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Forgiveness and open discussion are typically well-natured ways to resolve conflict, whether you're in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or an acquaintance to someone at work. However, letting things fester over time, only to revisit them at a later date, with a strategic goal to bring up intense emotions in someone who might have moved on or forgotten them, is not only manipulative but confusing.
Easily overshadowed by claims of healing, these kinds of conversations can be hard to deflect, especially if you're the person blindsided by them. This kind of shady manipulation is more common than you think. Consider the next time a quietly vengeful co-worker points out a mistake from your project months prior and you'll be reminded of it.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.