Psychologists Share 2 Ways Parents Subconsciously Teach Their Kids To Become People-Pleasers As Adults
Parents don’t realize how their toxic patterns steer their kids in the wrong directions.
bowie15 | Canva Pro A people-pleaser is an individual who frequently feels compelled to please others regardless of their own wants and needs. They prioritize others’ comfort above their own, creating toxic relationship dynamics. But this is a learned behavior that many parents may not realize they’re teaching their kids.
Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera took to TikTok to reenact a common but detrimental pattern seen in many family dynamics that inhibits kids from learning how to communicate their needs and emotions. These behaviors inevitably result in kids who grow up to be people-pleasers as adults.
The psychologist shared two ways parents subconsciously teach their kids to become people-pleasers in adulthood:
Dr. LePera and Jenna Weakland, the CEO and owner of The Holistic Psychologist and SelfHealers Circle, collaborate often in content creation and writing.
They recently took to TikTok to demonstrate two ways parents pass down toxic patterns to their children without realizing the damage they’re doing.
1. Forcing kids to apologize when their parents are wrong
“Go apologize to your father,” Dr. LePera began the video, roleplaying as a mother. “You really upset him, and now he’s probably not going to speak to any of us.”
“But I told Dad to stop yelling at me,” Weakland replied, portraying the role of the child. “So you’re teaching me that when someone yells at me or talks disrespectfully to me, or even scares me like Dad just did, I should not say anything, not stand up for myself, and then apologize.”
Dr. LePera and Weakland replicated a common cycle too many families continue to pass down to their kids. Rather than teaching their kids the significance of knowing their worth and speaking up against disrespect, this approach teaches kids to appease the behavior to prevent further outbursts from ensuing. Sadly, those outbursts will always return so long as individuals continue enabling them.
This generational trauma causes children to grow up repeating the same cycles and attracting similarly toxic partners who will disrespect and undervalue them. Despite what may be a harmful relationship, these individuals subconsciously believe that catering to their unhealed partners is the answer because they were taught this dynamic was normal from a young age.
2. Invalidating kids’ emotions to avoid uncomfortable situations
“Please just make this easy on me and say you’re sorry,” Dr. LePera continued as the mother. “If you don’t, our night will be terrible.”
“So in the short term, you just want the situation to go away, but maybe you don’t understand how this will impact me in the long term,” Weakland responded. “Here’s what I’m learning: When I’m treated badly and stand up for myself, I’m in the wrong.”
When a parent exhibits emotionally reactive behavior toward their child, and that child talks back out of fear, it’s dangerous to blame the child and then force them to apologize to avoid addressing the real issue. All this does is teach the child to invalidate their own hurt feelings and cater to the abuser.
Rather than parents holding themselves accountable for their toxic actions and communicating the importance of kids defending themselves, the issue is swept under the rug and will only grow into a much more concerning problem.
“Dad regularly has issues regulating his emotions, so instead of being responsible for the way he interacts with people when he’s upset, we all walk on eggshells pacifying him,” Weakland added. “In 20 years, I’ll find a partner exactly like him — someone who’s explosive and reactive and never apologizes for how they treat me.”
The psychologists' simulation of how these toxic patterns manifest in childhood addresses a major issue in countless relationships.
Their reenactment of how parents teach their kids to become people-pleasers might resonate more with daughters in particular, as female figures are traditionally taught to appease their reactive partners. However, observing an explosive parent can also teach kids to mirror these behaviors, especially when it comes to sons.
According to a 2012 study, researchers found that parents who tend to overreact often are more likely to have kids who act out and become easily upset. So this toxic parent-child dynamic continues a harmful cycle of masculine figures disrespecting and abusing their feminine counterparts where neither individual knows how to communicate vulnerably and fairly.
Using the example Dr. LePera and Weakland provided, talking back to a parent is typically not OK, but in the context of that parent demonstrating emotionally reactive and aggressive behavior, they can’t blame their child for speaking up against it or mirroring it.
This mentality will only cause kids to grow up feeling confused.
Men won’t understand how to effectively regulate their emotions, and women will believe they’re unworthy of compassion. Unless they learn to grow out of these patterns and break the cycle for themselves, they may find themselves stuck in toxic situations in their relationships for many years because they don’t know better.
However, anyone has the potential to unlearn the toxic patterns from childhood. Reflect on how your behaviors may be affecting you and others, find support in therapy or people you can trust, practice self-awareness, and remember to be compassionate with yourself as you grow and change.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.