Psychologist Reveals The 7 Reasons People Think They Don't Deserve To Be Happy
Everyone deserves fulfillment.
Nzewi Confidence | Canva I work with many clients who struggle with low self-esteem and making healthy life choices. At a core level, their issue is that they do not believe they deserve to be happy. How do people end up thinking that they don’t deserve to live a fulfilling life?
Here are 7 reasons people think they don't deserve to be happy:
1. They never saw happiness in their home growing up
Growing up in a negative home can paralyze you in adulthood. When you see a marriage where one or both people are depressed or anxious, and there is limited joy, you do not learn to associate adulthood with happiness. Instead, it is associated with burden, stress, sorrow, or anger.
2. Their brain is lying to them about their capabilities
The depressed brain (or the brain of someone raised in a dysfunctional home) tells you all sorts of lies, including that you have no capacity to be happy and/or that you don’t deserve to be.
You focus on only your negative qualities and evidence that you are a bad or inferior person and assume this relegates you to having a sad or unfulfilling life.
3. They are overwhelmed by guilt
Something earlier in your life made you conclude that you are a terrible person and deserve to be punished.
This can include survivor’s guilt (including being the “better” sibling and watching your sibling struggle with your parents’ poor treatment of them, with mental health issues, or with addiction), a history of treating others badly when you were suffering (e.g., with addiction, untreated depression or borderline symptoms, etc), or having a parent who grew up in poverty or in an abusive home who always made you feel that you didn’t appreciate your “opportunities.”
4. They think they're a worse parent than everyone else
Such a person would certainly not deserve to be happy themselves. Many people stay in terrible marriages because they believe that leaving would screw up their kids, ignoring all evidence that the kids are being screwed up by their staying.
They feel that they are a terrible (e.g., impatient, emotionally absent, distracted, angry) parent already and that divorcing would only make this a thousand times worse. Here are some reasons that people mistakenly assume that they are the worst parents ever.
5. Their partner tells them so
In abusive relationships, a partner makes it clear to you that you are a subpar person and do not deserve anything good.
If we want to look at the larger picture here, getting into a relationship with a person like this generally means that you experienced similar treatment by a parent when growing up. Then you pick someone who you think you deserve, who then exacerbates any existing issues you have with self-esteem.
6. They have a terrible body image
Although it sounds strange to those who have not experienced it, a majority of women and increasing numbers of men do not, on a core level, truly believe they deserve to be happy when they are overweight or “unattractive.”
The world is filled with young girls who assume their boyfriend problems are because they aren’t thin enough. If you are waiting until you are thin or attractive or fit enough to start enjoying your life, therapy can help you learn self-compassion and how to live the life you deserve.
7. They are a workhorse and/or people pleaser
Such people are raised to think their entire value is to make others happy, by working harder than everyone else (either on the job or to make sure nobody is ever unhappy, or both).
In this case, the person may, if asked, respond that they deserve to be happy, sure, but they have honestly never really thought about it. They are far too busy living up to others’ expectations and fulfilling obligations to everyone else.
A lot of these issues can directly stem from being raised in a dysfunctional home, including but not limited to being raised by a narcissistic or borderline parent, and depression that you may not recognize as such.
Everyone can learn to have some kind of happiness in their lives (and to model being a happy adult for their kids). Therapy can be transformative for people who have felt that they are not fully living, and are trapped in the quicksand of unresolved childhood issues, low self-esteem, guilt, and shame.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.