5 Psychological Tricks You Can Use To 'Out' A Narcissist, According To A Psychologist
They might not be who you think they are.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A. / Shutterstock Sometimes, people we love act in hurtful ways, yet it's how they respond when we express our feelings that matters most.
A narcissistic person will often react to harm they've caused by being emotionally unavailable or even actively malicious.
Danish Bashir, a coach who helps people recover from emotional abuse, shared specific ways to lead narcissists to reveal their true selves.
Here are 5 psychological tricks to help reveal a narcissist:
1. Say ‘no’ and stick to it
When you’re confronted with a narcissist, a tactic you can use to make them show their true colors is to say 'no' without backing down from your decision.
As Bashir explained, whatever line you draw in the sand doesn't have to involve a conflict; rather, it just has to be a firm boundary you’ve set.
He recommended gauging their reaction to your refusal to budge and analyzing how they move forward, saying, “Narcissists typically don’t accept ‘no’ easily and may seek revenge when criticized.”
Of course, your safety is more valuable than outing someone as a narcissist, especially if that person can cause you harm. If saying ‘no’ outright doesn’t feel safe, try grey-rocking them, which is a subtler way to go up against a narcissist.
2. Describe the pain you’re in
Telling a narcissist that they’ve hurt you probably won’t turn out the way you expect. Instead of validating your emotions and acknowledging that their behavior was wrong, a narcissist will likely hijack your unhappiness.
“They’ll try to one-up your story or divert the focus of your pain to theirs,” Bashir said. “They’ll even gaslight your feelings and experiences, making their pain seem like a bigger deal, and you will end up comforting them.”
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Creating a true emotional connection with a narcissist can feel impossible, especially because their own feelings and well-being are what matters most to them over anyone else’s.
3. Cry in front of them
Bashir also suggested letting a narcissist see how you really feel by shedding tears in their presence, which, again, probably won’t garner the reaction you’d like.
“For narcissists, showing emotions is a major inconvenience,” he said. “They act indifferently or even appear bewildered by your tears, as if crying is an abnormal behavior. Some derive satisfaction from your distress.”
Crying is a healthy and necessary way to release pent-up emotion. It’s also beneficial in a physical way, as it decreases tension and helps us heal.
Just because the narcissist in your life can’t handle you expressing hard feelings doesn’t mean you’re wrong for doing so.
4. See how they act when you’re sick
Narcissists tend to center their own experience, which means that they struggle to extend themselves to other people in times of need.
They’ll see your sickness as an inconvenience to them and whatever plans they have. Instead of extending empathy for your discomfort, they’ll make the situation all about themselves.
As Bashir shared, “Their lack of empathy grows apparent when they show frustration that you can’t perform tasks for them, like cooking or cleaning.”
He also noted that narcissists “Often show interest only in the enjoyable parts of relationships, disregarding your well-being.”
Everyone deserves care and affection during all parts of their partnerships, especially when they’re in a difficult place.
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5. Share how you feel
Bashir’s last tip for outing a narcissist is based on vulnerability and openness, traits they don’t have.
“Test how they act when you share your feelings, as narcissists cannot put themselves in your shoes,” he said.
He explained that “Whenever you try to share how you are feeling, particularly if it’s about something they did that hurt your feelings, they will accuse you of being angry and express their reluctance to deal with your anger.”
“At other times, they might simply look at you and not respond at all, just staring as if they are not listening to you,” he concluded.
If you have determined that someone close to you is narcissistic, consider the best ways to protect yourself from their emotional manipulation.
Reach out to your support networks, and don’t be scared to ask for help. Healing will take time, but it’s worth the effort.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.