4 Psychological Habits That Make You Unhappier Than 99% Of People

Everybody wants to be happier. But figuring out how to get there is surprisingly difficult.

Often, things we assume will make us happy — money, status, good looks, etc. — turn out not to work so well. And most of the self-help stuff we read seems similarly disappointing in the long run.

While I don’t have any magic bullet solution here, I do want to suggest one possible way to happiness that seems mostly overlooked:

You can become a lot happier by removing negative mental habits.

As a practicing psychologist, I talk to unhappy people every day — many of whom are quite wealthy, good-looking, and have read all the best self-help books. But it seems to me that what most often holds them back from happiness is the collection of negative mental programs running in the background in their minds.

I can’t promise nirvana — and no one solution works for everyone — but if you can learn to identify and control these negative mental habits, I think you’ll find yourself a little happier each day.

Here are 4 psychological habits that make you unhappier than most people:

1. Judging your emotions

Emotions are not good or bad:

Anxiety isn’t bad any more than rain or snow is bad.
Anger isn’t bad any more than having red hair is bad.
Grief isn’t bad any more than being short or tall is bad.

For something to be morally good or bad, you have to have control over it.

This is why no one ever gets sent to jail for feeling angry — you can’t control whether you feel angry or not, and therefore, it’s not something you can be held accountable for.

On the other hand, people get sent to jail all the time for acting aggressively. And the reason? You can control your actions, which means you can be held accountable for them and they can be judged as right or wrong, good or bad.

Judging yourself for something you can’t control — including your emotions — is a set-up for suffering.

Think about it:

When you judge yourself for feeling sad, now you feel guilty on top of feeling sad.
When you criticize yourself for feeling anxious, now you feel guilty or angry on top of feeling anxious.

Instead, try this: be compassionate with yourself when you’re in emotional pain.

When you feel bad emotionally, try talking to yourself like you would talk to a good friend who was suffering — with understanding, love, and support.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
― C.G. Jung

2. Having unrealistic unexpectations

Expectations are beliefs about how the world should work, including how the people in it should act. And while they can be helpful at times, they’re often quite dangerous psychologically.

Here’s an example:

After spending all afternoon cleaning the garage, you expect that your spouse should immediately thank you and express their appreciation.

When they don’t, you not only feel sad and disappointed but also angry and frustrated.

And when they still don’t mention anything, you start ruminating on all the previous times in your marriage when you’ve done something nice and not been appreciated for it.

Of course, this leads to even more anger and resentment, and eventually, is likely to lead to a fight or serious argument.

The issue with expectations like this is that right or wrong, your expectations will frequently get violated. And each time they get violated, you’re going to experience surprise and shock on top of whatever other emotion you feel.

Trouble is… surprise is an emotional amplifier: Feeling angry is hard enough. But when you feel angry after expecting to feel appreciated, your anger — and all the unhelpful behaviors that follow from it — is going to grow much bigger and more painful.

Difficult feelings are a lot easier to handle when they don’t catch you by surprise.

If you want to become happier, calmer, and more emotionally stable — especially in your relationships — start paying more attention to your expectations. And once you start noticing them, adjust them to be more realistic or throw them out entirely.

“To think too much is a disease.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

3. Worrying about the future

If you’re a chronic worrier, you know how much anxiety and stress it adds to your life. You also probably realize that worrying about bad things happening doesn’t seem to make good things happen. In other words, you probably realize that worrying is all side effects and no cure.

So why do it? Why do we worry even though we know it stresses us out and makes us anxious?

We worry because it gives us the illusion of control.

Here’s how it works:

Your imagination creates a worst-case scenario about something you can’t control.
You feel helpless.
So you worry. Because, even though worrying creates anxiety, it alleviates helplessness (temporarily, anyway). And for many people, they’d rather feel anxious and stressed than helpless.

But like any addiction, the short-term benefits of worry don’t outweigh the long-term costs.

Sure, worrying about how you could handle all sorts of terrible things briefly makes you feel in control, but the mountain of stress and anxiety catches up to you eventually. Because when you’re chronically stressed and anxious, you start seeing more and more things to worry about, which leads to more and more anxiety and stress.

And while you probably don’t need me to tell you this, it’s awfully hard to be happy when you’re constantly stressed and anxious.

The real tragedy of chronic worry is that it robs us of our lives.

If you want to end the cycles, reclaim your life, and feel less stressed all the time, the secret is to be more accepting of helplessness and uncertainty.

Bad things happen, much of which you can’t control. Much better to make peace with this than live in denial about it.

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4. Seeking reassurance

Reassurance-seeking feels good in the moment, but it’s self-defeating in the long run.

We all feel anxious sometimes. And obviously, feeling anxious is uncomfortable — painful even. So what could be more natural than the desire to alleviate that pain and discomfort?

Nothing.

This is why reassurance-seeking is so common:

Following an awkward social encounter, you text a friend — hoping to get some kind words that soothe your anxieties.
As soon as you notice that strange feeling in your stomach, you call up your partner, hoping their calming words will alleviate your fears.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with reassurance per se. It’s perfectly natural and healthy to want and receive support and comfort from other people when we’re afraid.

Reassurance becomes problematic when it becomes habitual. When your immediate and sole response to fear or insecurity is to go to another person for relief, it becomes a form of self-sabotage.

Stop outsourcing your anxiety to other people.

There are two big problems with this:

You lose the ability to manage your anxieties on your own, and
You end up creating unhealthy social dependencies — which usually lead to resentments and conflict — in your most important relationships.

Instead of using other people to alleviate your anxiety, learn to manage it well yourself:

Practice tolerating anxiety and uncertainty rather than distracting yourself from it.
Work on sitting with your feelings of helplessness rather than trying to eliminate them.
Learn to live with your fears and insecurities and get on with life despite them, rather than putting your life on hold until other people make you feel better.

“Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender”
― Eckhart Tolle

Nick Wignall is a psychologist and writer sharing practical advice for emotional health and well-being. He is the founder of The Friendly Minds newsletter.