11 Phrases Women Say After They Stop Caring About Being Nice & Start Being Honest
The only person women owe anything to is themselves.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Many women are pressured — at school, in their relationships, with family members, and in the workplace — to be the most agreeable version of themselves, largely for the convenience and comfort of men. A 2009 study explains that while these perfectionist pressures promise to be the "ultimate solution" for women struggling to find their place and solidify their identities, the majority of women still battle feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem when they fall into these gendered social traps.
So, what's the alternative? It's about ditching the "nice girl" attitude and expressing your emotions, standing up for yourself, and setting boundaries, even if it makes the people around you uncomfortable. There are many phrases women say after they stop caring about being nice and start being honest that you can adopt in these moments, because the only person you truly owe anything to is yourself.
Here are 11 phrases women say after they stop caring about being nice and start being honest
1. 'I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you'
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The belief that women are more emotionally mature or intelligent than men solely on the basis of their gender is what experts coin a "master stereotype" that can negatively affect everyone on both sides of the aisle. However, that doesn't negate the collective experience that many women have in their relationships with men, especially early in life, considering that girls do tend to develop physically and emotionally earlier in their lives compared to boys.
In their adult relationships and connections, phrases like this for women can be representative of a breaking point. They've not only chosen to refuse being agreeable or passive for the sake of a man's comfort, they've started being honest.
Of course, having a healthy conversation to express needs and ensure everyone feels heard and understood would be the perfect way to resolve conflict in a relationship, but not everyone has the facilities to healthily engage.
2. 'I don't agree with you'
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According to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, women tend to have more agreeable and comforting personality traits than men, largely due to societal stigmas, stereotypes, and norms that've pressured them into conforming.
From agreeing to a person's opinion in a work meeting, to avoiding expressions of their own needs to "people-please" in a relationship, and even having arguments with friends and family, women tend to passively agree with people to keep the peace, rather than expressing themselves and finding a compromise.
However, many of these phrases women say after they stop caring about being nice and start being honest are representative of a shift in these values, where women are no longer conforming to agreeable expectations and fiercely advocating for themselves.
3. 'No'
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"No" is a full sentence. It's the perfect way to set a boundary, express your needs, or speak your mind without having to invest time and energy into explaining yourself.
Considering many women tend to adopt people-pleasing pressures in their lives from a young age, according to licensed professional clinical counselor Dr. Teyhou Smyth, PhD, LMFT, it's not surprising that saying "no" and sticking up for themselves, no matter how uncomfortable
While many people, regardless of gender, are susceptible to adopting people-pleasing behaviors as a result of childhood trauma or toxic relationships, society often places a pressure on women to people-please from a very young age.
According to Smyth, this pressure can manifest in a number of ways, but many are rooted in gender norms that encourage women to be quiet, pleasant, and agreeable, both to appease men and even protect themselves.
4. 'The world doesn't revolve around you'
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When someone feels consistently disrespected in many different facets of their life, it's not surprising that they'll feel less drawn to niceties and more blatantly honest. If someone is disrespectful, crosses boundaries, engages in selfish and narcissistic behavior, or takes advantage, they may need this reminder that empathy isn't a choice, but a necessary facet of a healthy relationship.
According to clinical psychologist David Susman, PhD, being able to empathize with and understand other people isn't just important for building trust in a relationship, it's necessary for social order and cooperation. If everyone in the world was only looking out for themselves without any kind of understanding or empathy for others, we'd all be in a much worse place.
5. 'That's not a me problem'
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According to psychologist Brittany Carswell, women often feel a pressure to "do it all." Whether they're mothers juggling household chores, childcare, and their work schedule, or a wife feeling overwhelmed by constantly mediating arguments and taking on the emotional labor of her marriage, the stereotypes that urge women to be agreeable can manifest in a number of taxing ways.
By using this phrase — "that's not a me problem" — you simplify your boundaries for other people to quickly understand. This witty phrase is a boundary, even if it might seem "selfish" by misguided conventional standards, that helps women to protect their time and energy.
You don't have to do it all. It's not just unsustainable and unhealthy, it's impossible to be everyone's "go-to person" all of the time, while also juggling a million other responsibilities.
6. 'I don't owe you anything'
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Women don't owe anything to anyone — nobody does. They don't owe their peers at work misguided grace. They don't owe strangers on the street a level of quietness or beauty. They don't owe their partners an explanation for every single decision they make.
By freeing yourself from this obligation to explain yourself, you can also remove the burden of perfectionism, anxiety, and insecurity from your life. You don't need to seek out external validation or approval to live a happy and fulfilled life.
7. 'I don't care'
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Simply "not caring" is the opposite of what women are expected to do in many different scenarios. Whether it's feigning a misguided interest in their co-worker's distracting stories, nicely listening to a random stranger's story on the subway, or being guilted into doing something they don't want to do, using a phrase like this can help them to bluntly stand their ground.
They shouldn't feel pressured to care about things that they don't want to do or that don't interest them. They're allowed to "not care," and many of the phrases women say after they stop caring about being nice and start being honest help them to express that.
8. 'We're not doing this again'
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Toxic behavior and unhealthy relationship dynamics often manifest themselves in a number of ways, but they often share one similar trait: patterns of behavior. Whether it's narcissism in a partner, guilt-tripping in a relationship, or disrespect at work, toxic behavior is a patterned behavior that many people struggle to recognize at the beginning, according to intuitive coach Janine Meyer.
However, a phrase like this directly acknowledges toxic behavior patterns, reminding the people in her life that she's self-aware enough to notice when she's being disrespected or manipulated and secure enough to call it out.
When you stop obsessing about meeting an unrealistic standard of kindness that many women are held to, and just start being honest, it's phrases like this that help you to set boundaries and express yourself in truly healthy and empowering ways.
9. 'Your messes aren't mine to clean up'
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While women do tend to do more household and emotional labor than their male partners in relationships, they have the power to use a phrase like this to shift the balance and set their boundaries.
In a partnership or balanced family dynamic, everyone pitches in to help, both physically and emotionally. When there's an argument, it's not the same person who swoops in to save the day and mediate every single time, at least in a healthy dynamic.
So, it's unrealistic to assume that a woman in your life is going to burden herself with your "messes" 100% of the time, whether it's insecurities, arguments, dishes in the sink, or a problem you've self-inflicted at work or school.
10. 'This isn't right for me'
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According to a Caltech study published in Psychology Science, there's a relationship between testosterone levels and men answering test questions — the higher their hormone levels, the more confident they were about knowing the answers, even if they didn't.
This is representative of many societal experiences that women specifically deal with in their relationships and the workplace — men believing they not only know what's right, all of the time, but know what's right for the women around them.
"For some mysterious reason, there is always somewhere a man with an urge to tell a woman what are the right opinions (his opinions, of course)," consultant Mercedes Cardona said. "If you are a woman, there is only one thing more infuriating than his grandstanding; it's when he tries to school you."
When they stop with niceties and just be honest, women have the power to combat that behavior with phrases like this one. Don't simply agree for the sake of keeping the peace or trying to mediate another man's anger. Set your boundaries and uphold them to the best of your ability.
11. 'I don't need your permission'
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It's as simple as this: women don't need your opinions. They don't need your acceptance or approval. And, they certainly don't need your permission.
Especially in heteronormative relationships, where it's easy to fall into a misguided set of traditional gender roles and power dynamics, the phrases women say after they stop caring about being nice and start being honest are representative of this autonomy.
Women have their own capacity for making decisions that are best for them, crafting their own lives, and choosing what they want to value and prioritize. Even if they're in a relationship, adhering to traditional roles or looking out for their partner doesn't mean following their every demand and asking for permission.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.